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female
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anonymous
writes: So my bf and I broke up a week or two ago. We've been on and off for a year, and we really did love eachother. Then life fell apart for both of us and we both neglected the relationship without even realising it for a good month or so. We're still really close, as we're sex buddies and also good friends because we know eachother so well, everything comes so easily. I know sex buddies is a bad idea, but it's only temporary until I decide whether I want to be with him again or not. Well, I think I've decided that I do want to give it another go. I don't know if he's ready though. He's a very cynical person, and i think he's already written us off as a couple as it's too much effort. We both decided we wanted to be single, but I don't know anymore. If I tell him what's going on in my head we'll either get back together and be really happy (with a lot of work put in), or he'll say no and I'll lose him completely. Should I wait a while, and get closer to him, just to test him and see how far he'll allow our slightly overfriendly friendship to go?
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (18 October 2006):
 I find it very sad that people can be good friends and 'sex-buddies' but then "write us off as a couple as it's too much effort". I find it sad because so many people (including many of my friends) end up feeling like they don't have what it takes to have good relationships, and end up either terminally single or locked into repeat serial monogamy. Relationships take commitment, and practice to get better at. The more non-relationships you end up in, the harder it becomes to have a good and real relationship. We are creatures of habit.
But heres the thing. I doubt this as what anyone really wants. We all want to be loved, don't we? Time to stop believing all the misguided hype about hip modern metrosexual bi-curious sexually liberated post-feminist open relationships. Time to start asking your heart what you really want. Is it really so bad to commit to someone and work at it? A life like Sex in the City is a lot less fun in reality than on TV.
A few words of advice:
Firstly, it seems to me that you do want a relationship. It sounds like you agreed to his terms because you didn't want to lose him, but that his terms are not really what you want. You compromised, he did not. Think about whether this is true. Is it?
Secondly, understand that if you want a relationship, and a good one, then it takes work. Sometime a lot of work. Relationships take effort, he's right about that. The thing is, they are ultimately worth it, and the alternative (friends + sex buddies) ultimately isn't worth it, or healthy.
Thirdly, once you know what you want, you have to clearly communicate this. And demand it. Don't compromise on the type of relationship you want, or you won't get what you want. It's not easy, but it is very worthwhile.
You might find that his reasons for not wanting a relationship are complex. Are his parents divorced? Has he had previous bad experiences? Been dumped or cheated on? Does he have insecurities about his abilities to give you want you need and want? Or is it easier for him to just sweep all this under the carpet? Talk to each other openly, honestly, and most importantly compassionately, and you might find that the two of you really do want a relationship, but that your fears, and our culture and the world around us are conspiring to stop you.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (17 October 2006):
 Hey Sex-Buddy,One of the hardest things in being a sex-buddy is that emotions do come into play, within the physical stuff for some people.If you tell him directly, he might reject it. If he is an average guy, he is not going to feel good about, and might only get back with you becuase he feels it is what you want. He will do it out of guilt.I would suggest to continue with the sex, AND to start hanging out with him out of the bedroom. Act like a couple outside the bedroom, and see if that rekindles his feelings.Getting back together must feel for him that it is HIS idea, not yours. Question: Do you really want HIM, or do you just want to be able to say you got him back. There is a difference. Address his emotional need to feel UNIQUE to you.Good Luck.-Frank B Kermitwww.franktalks.comAuthor of Everything Out Of Her Mouth is a Test: A MAn's Guide to the Emotional Needs of Women.
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