A
female
age
30-35,
*RSMouse
writes:I have asked this question a few times on here, but as the situation keeps updating, I feel the need to re-issue it.To cut a long story short, I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. His mother hates me, but refuses to explain to him why. I was not allowed to their family home between July and Novemeber of last year, and last week, she reinstated my ban. Me and him are completely in love. We both work full time and I study too, but we spend some evenings and some of the weekend together. We have a pretty perfect relationship, he takes me to places and brings me little gifts, and I look after him too. But every few months, his mother relaunches her attack and our world is shaken.My boyfriend has had a pretty sheltered lifestyle. When he left school at 16, he began working for the family and still does. His car, his food, everything is paid for by his parents. He is the oldest, and has a close relationship with his mum, which became stronger a few years ago (before we were together) when his dad had an affair.After his mum turned on me again last week, his texts became cold. He was still asking me to text him later, telling me he loved me at night, but I could tell something more was wrong. I saw him Friday evening, and asked him, and he said he was having doubts about us, because of my relationship with his Mum. He fully understands that it is not my fault and I have done all I can to be nice to her, and have put up with a lot from her, but still he says it is important to him to be with someone that he can take home. It really upsets me, as I like to think of myself as someone who would 'go down well' with most parents, I am in the third year of my degree, and work full time in an architects practice as a designer. I speak well and dress nicely.He decided on Friday that he wanted to take a break. I made it clear that this upset me, but I knew I couldn't change his mind. He told me we would still text each day, and that we would meet on Wednesday (today). He said he wanted space to get his head straight, and to think about how it can work, with me and his mum. He told me he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone, but doesn't know what to do.He text me on the saturday, and he seemed ok. But then he just didn't reply. I knew he was out with his cousin / best friend, and was probably letting off steam, so I text when I went to bed to say I loved him and for him to text the following day, and that I hoped he was having fun. But since then, I have not heard a word from him.A friend text him yesterday to ask about meeting up in the evening, but he said he had to work. Our friend said he seemed off and sad. I saw him this morning, although I dont believe he saw me, travelling in his car to work while I went in the other direction. We passed slowly due to traffic and he did look sad. The friend text him again today about meeting tonight, and he made the same excuse. I know he rarely has to work nights, and wonder if his mum is making him work to ensure he doesn't see me. Either that, or he isn't working and is making excuses, and infact will just stay at home on his own.I know that there is no one else, and that he isn't cheating on me. I love him so much and do not want to lose him over this. I know he is confused as to what to do, but I feel the situation is getting worse as each day passes with no word. I don't want to text him before he speaks to one of our friends, as I know that he won't think about all the options, he will only consider what his family are saying because that is all he can hear. I hope that if a friend talks to him, or rather lets my boyfriend talk it out, maybe he will realise that leaving me because of his Mum is silly.I really miss him, and would appreciate any advice. Last Summer he left me completely admist a similar crisis, but he came back. I just don't know what to do, I know he needs to be stronger, but how do I make him understand that he can't let his Mum control his life like this?
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female
reader, KRSMouse +, writes (29 April 2010):
KRSMouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat is what I want him to do, to stand upto her. I know he will have to someday, as I know her hating me is nothing personal at me, it wouldnt matter who he was with, its a jealousy thing, she feels threatened by him having another woman in his life. I really want to sit down and talk to her, try to get to the root of this and get along with her. I want him to stand upto her now, rather than later. I just don't know how to make him understand this. I can't let him go, I love him far too much, I love him enough that it doesn't matter to me how awful she is, he makes it all worth it. I want to know how to support him so that we can move forward. I'm almost 22, and I know its probably silly to give yourself 'targets', but when I was 20 and things were uncertain, I gave myself a year to get everything in order. And I did, he is my Mr Perfect, we have that spark. He hasn't left me, but he isn't with me either. I know he is confused, he is shutting out our friends too, who all believe he is making a huge mistake. I just want to know how best to support him, and how much time to give him. He left for 2 weeks last Summer when the same situation occured, he returned 2 and a half weeks later, and between then and now, things have been perfect, his mother aside.
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 Both him and his mother are giving you the run around. I'm so sorry but this guy is never going to stop being a Mummy's boy and she has the apron strings pulled so tight he has no opportunity to see what's happening to him. He's become such a yes man to his mother that he's too blinkered to ever change.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man? His mother is ALWAYS going to be a huge influence on whatever he does in life. If you were married to him and had children with him she would continue to control him and wreak havoc on your family life.
Personally I would let him go and find someone who has a more normal relationship with his mother because while it's lovely when guys have a close relationship with their Mum's this relationship is not close it's strangulation quite weird and extremely toxic. The fact that she would ban you from her house is just bizzare and if he hasn't stood up to her now he's never going to.
Have courage and move on otherwise you will be stuck in this same cycle over and over again at her mercy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): I am in the same situation. I broke off an engagement to be with this girl. We immediately started seeing each other after the break up. I had already checked my options knowing I was giving up a great releationship to be with someone else who I had envisioned to be a better match for me. Needless to say my family flipped out on me. This girl and I were pretty much in a relationship and I ended up taking a break with her for 2 weeks because my family was so upset I could move on so fast. What happened was I was listening too much to my family (mom, sister, bro-in-law) and not enough to myself. I wasnt seeing that I chose this girl for a reason, she really liked me , I really liked her and inside my heart, this is what I wanted. A few days went by and I could not stand not talking to her again. I contacted her within a few days and after another week and a half of talking to her, missing her every minute of those 2 weeks, I decided that my family is just going to have to get over it. I went and suprised her on day and we have been together every since. My family still doesnt not approve yet. But I think it is slowly sinking in that I want this for girl in my life and its not just a fling.
So what I'm saying is that maybe his mom is getting in his head, like mine was. He needs to listen to himself. Its not always what everyone else wants for you. You cant be happy pleasing everyone else and not yourself. I decided at the end of the day that this is about me and her and not how my family feels. Maybe just try and contact him, ask him whats going on. Just ask him what he wants for himself, does he want you or does he want to please his mom and not himself. Obviously he is happy with you and seems to be miserable on your break like I was. Hope it all works out. These situations really suck. Not everything will be perfect but you gotta be happy together. And maybe one day his mom will accept what makes her son truely happy. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, ladyjaye +, writes (28 April 2010):
 have you tried to speak to his mother??? maybe if she knew how much affect her behaviour is having on the relationship then she would change... maybe he should consider moving out of home and get some independance... i dont know how old he is but im sure he's old enough to stand on his own two feet... maybe he should stand up to his mother. she needs to realise he isnt a little boy anymore... shes probably afraid of loosing him to you, perhaps thats why she is giving you such a hard time. he will probably find there will never be a girl "good enough" for himm in his mothers eyes... unfortunatly for you even if she does accept you to a certain extent she will be the mother in law from hell!! gud luk!
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