A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have been with my girl friend for 17 months now. We are perfect for one another when we are alone, we both feel like we are weird in our own way and it is rare to find people who get me. I do love her but recently some of her actions are making me think twice about what we have. We are fine while alone but I cannot name one single time we went out with her friends or mine where I didnt resent something she did. She is much more affectionate than I am, especially in public. I used to be more affectionate but have gotten screwed over by a few girls and I think they killed that side of me. She can really be a b**** some times! when we go out to party with my friends its like she has to be by my side the whole time...it's suffocating me. I just dont think she feels like she gets along with my friends like most of my ex's did so she wants to be by me the whole time. Then it just escalates my anger inside when shes trying to grab my hand and hold it, or hug me. And when I dance I really like to let loose with my friends ya know but its like she only wants to dance with me and cant dance alone (comfortably)...she will try but isnt happy. I must sound like an ass hole but I cannot explain how I feel and why. I have kind of expressed how I feel but I just wish she could relax a bit more. any suggestions on how to go about this? havent talked to her too much yet, just trying to get some ideas before I blow up on her(which is what I dont want to do)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 March 2013):
 You resent things she does in public?
You punish her by not being affectionate in public because of your (NOT IMPORTANT) ex partners. WOW… so she gets punished because of stuff other people you choose NOT to be with did in the past. That’s so messed up.
IF you go out with YOUR friends and she clings to you perhaps it’s because YOUR friends are NOT her friends and she feels uncomfortable around them. And if she FEELS this, then you must acknowledge it… you may not understand it or agree with it but these are her FEELINGS and she has a right to them.
Then you bring up your EX partners again…because she’s does not get along with them LIKE YOUR EX partners. YOUR EX PARTNERS are NO LONGER IN YOUR LIFE… again why is her behavior being judged on the behaviors of folks no longer in your life?
YOU are getting mad at her for wanting to hold your hand because of your ex partners?
I have to tell you I love my husband but he’s an asshole and I try very hard not to inflict him on my friends. It’s embarrassing for me. I see my friends without him and we see the few friends he has now and again but not often… mostly we just hang out at home alone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): You have to thread carefully here OP. You can't expect her to change without you softening up your stance a bit too.
Who gives a fuck about your ex's? You're supposed to leave all that shit behind when you enter a new relationship.
OP you need to gently guide her to mingling more and you really need to soften your stance on this too.
If you even try and speak to her in the same way as you have written your question then you're just going to hurt her deeply and you know what, you may well get your wish and she may just not want to be anywhere near when you're out and even though you think that sounds nice now it'll not be a nice place for this to end up.
Look, this could just be as simple as you needing to have your guy time with your friends without a girlfriend there. She doesn't sound all that clingy to me OP, when I'm out I love having my fiancée by my side, sitting on a couch getting tipsy and affectionate, having her on my lap so I can play with her hair etc. I could spend an entire party only talking to her and ignoring everyone else and often do. She's my best friend, my love I just love having her close to me even after 7 years. The thing is though we do have separate lives too. She has her night out every week with her girlfriend's and I have my time with mine. She has outside hobbies and interests and it keeps things fresh and really I have more independence with her than I ever felt while single.
You sound very angry about this situation OP, that's not good and frankly you need to consider whether it's her behaviour that really angers you or whether it's something else, or life in general. OP if you're feeling suffocated then it's up to you to grab bits of space. She doesn't have to be by your side at everything you go to, she doesn't have be included in every part of your life, you do need a life outside of the relationship too, it's up to you to grab enough of that.
Now it could really just be as simple as you not wanting to be with her anymore but just putting the blame on her apparent clinginess.
Thread carefully and try and help her mingle more and feel more confident around your friends. If you sit her down and "talk this out" then you may give her more reason to be closed off while out or you may actually make her feel bad for wanting to be close to you.
Try and assert a bit more independence, make more time for you to be with your friends without her there. I have "guys nights out" every week or two and I need them to keep my relationship fresh. if we did everything together then we'd have no stories to tell each other.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (19 March 2013):
 Okay, I'm not sure that I get where you're coming from. Like, at all. Perhaps you can further explain why this irritates you so much...
But right now, I really feel bad for your girlfriend. She goes out with a group of your friends who she doesn't know very well and feels like an outsider in. And because she only knows you, she decides that she will just stay by your side. Besides, you are her boyfriend. She doesn't want to dance alone, because nobody wants to dance alone, especially in a group of people who aren't your friends, but know who you are. That's a seriously pressured situation.
You and your friends have a whole history together. You have inside jokes, you act a certain way around each other, and that's something that your girlfriend just isn't part of. It's understandable why she wouldn't be comfortable just hanging by herself.
Why is she a bitch? Is it because of how she acts when she's around your friends? Because that doesn't sound bitchy... that sounds like she's a little uncomfortable, but she's putting in an effort - I mean, she could just stay home and not hang out with you and your friends at all.
Or is she a bitch when she's with her friends? Because maybe she acts the way you do around your friends.
It's really a bummer that she wants to hold your hand or hug you and that just pisses you off. Maybe being affectionate with you will make her more relaxed. Maybe holding your hand eases the tension because she knows that you're there for her and that you enjoy being out with her. That you're proud to have a foxy woman by your side when out with your friends. No wonder she's tense and uncomfortable, when it's clear that you are uncomfortable with her being there as your 'girlfriend'.
If you want her to relax, do NOT blow up at her. When is the last time that somebody exploding made you relax?
I think you need to think long and hard about this. Do you love your girlfriend? Are you proud to have her out with you? Why don't you want to have anybody see you affectionate with her, even tiny gestures like holding hands or hugging?
Do some soul-searching. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): Wow, I was just telling myself few days ago how I don't like going out with my husband. I m kind of embarrassed to even think about it, but the truth is that I m incredibly bored when I m out with him. He embarrasses me also.He is not a big drinker, and when he drinks he becomes very talkative, and he talks to all the waitresses for a very long time, telling them stories. Then he never can deside what to order. I don't drink beer, so I don't know any brands, but I noticed that most of the times this beer that he order restaurants don't have. Then he wants waitress to comeback because he can't deside what beer he wants. It happens every single time we go out. Then when he gets tipsy, he becomes like a little girl taking offense in everything I say. I really don't enjoy spending time with him when we are out, not always, but most times. I would rather go with my girlfriends, which I do mostly lately. It works out very nicely, he goes out with his buddies for beer same days. May be you guys should do the same.
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