A
female
age
30-35,
*targazer21
writes:Ok so here goes, i had met this gent of a guy on a dating site. And we exchanged a few emails and numbers. So for the first couple of days things were going really well, and we talked a lot about the future, what we were looking for in partners. And if i am being honest he seemed to be what i had hoped to look for in a partner for life, but suddenly after a few days he stopped talking/ texting me. So a couple of days went by and i had texted him, but heard nothing back and so i gave up.So two weeks later i just randomly texted him saying hey... and i'm sorry for whatever happened. He texted me back that day and said he was sorry but had a death in the family, and he felt i was pushing him, like being too affectionate (bunny boiler) when all i did was send him kisses on his cheek.. so i said ok well i'm sorry. he also apologised for "neglecting me" and that he should have said to me, but he just felt that his head was all over the place but it's sorted now and that he was glad i texted him as he kept wondering "what if?" and that he understood if i just told him to get lost.So i was like fair enough, it's not his fault, just give him the benefit of the doubt and i did. So we started talking again, well texting etc, exchanged some pics of us both (fully clothed and head pics) and it was great. Then i had told him it wasn't gonna happen, as we haven't met in person and that he hadn't been talking to me for a couple of days. (i had a bad previous relationship where the guy acted the same and i ended up chasing after him, he treated me badly and made me have an abortion but wasn't there to support me) i then told him about this and he was like i'm not a player i don't mess girls around.but then we stopped talking over the weekend and i texted him yesterday saying how're you? but no reply and so i deleted his texts, pics and number. then my cousin was on the website last night (she is the one who had recommended it to me) and he had been online.So now i realise i was played all along? Or am i being daft, frankly i'm wasting enough time and energy just trying to work things out so i've given up! I haven't told him i've left essentially just not bothering with him at all, as he didn't have the courtesy those weeks ago, why should i? Besides i know we aren't dating it's just texting but he hasn't once called me or asked me out in fact he made joke saying i should take him out..!But what do you guys think? Am i being daft!!? It's really aggrevating me, that i'm taking my anger out on my family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): Very often these guys lie about their age. It's almost like you have to be a private investigator just to find out what
they are hiding.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013): I have been going through the same thing and I'm older than you. Woman can get played by guys online because when your guard is down that's when they go in for the kill. I had a few that I test out for example, I spoke to a guy and he lived far away and was chatting nice at first then starts questioning me. Then he starts talking about us as if to say we could end up married. Um, excuse me we aren't even dating and I don't think that far ahead. I kept on telling him I only want to be pen pals. You see these guys will eventually expect more from you. They will do whatever they have to do to get it. Dating sites sometimes give tips on what to look out for. If anyone for instance asks for money, email(I have only given one guy my address because he sent a photo. But I check it frequently just to see if there is any suspicious activity. Another thing is if you feel uneasy about giving your cell number don't. Another thing is I have always met guys in public places on the first meeting like a shopping mall. Then when you get to know the person go to a street fair and then maybe dinner. I almost had a date with someone online but he stood me up no phone call nothing. I think he got cold feet because we were suppose to meet for the first time and he called and said hid Uncle died. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. The second time he didn't show up. So whatever you do in life always go with your gut instinct. I myself didn't want to believe that these guys exist but they do.
I have had a guy order me to do oral sex on him in a car. And all I could see was his gorgeous body and blue eyes.
That will take you down! I try now to let them go. You are more important and when I told him that I was not a slut he got mad at me.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (16 July 2013):
I don't understand why you'd start freaking out (no offense) because he didn't text you back the same day you texted him.
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A
male
reader, Uncle PJ  +, writes (16 July 2013):
 Okay, I've read the other answers in response to your question and I think they're slightly out of joint. For the record, not all guys on dating sites are out to get you naked and are plain weird, I hope a previous statement regarding these sites hasn't put you off.
There a lot more genuine people on these sites nowadays and more our age seem to join these sites everyday, I am also on a dating website. I do agree that there are some real pervs on there and yes some are there just to be predators but as long as you are careful on these sites, nothing should matter too much.
Don't get involved in any sexual conversation or anything like that if you haven't met the guy. To show that he's real, use phone calls and then skype before deciding to meet someone.
I'm not really going to talk about this guy because it seems pretty clear that you or he has deciding it isn't going to work and you should both cut your losses.
But I can completely understand why you would have hang ups and be fearful when it comes to new partners. Having an abortion, maybe against your will, must have been a devastating situation to be in. It must have hurt so much and to have been left cold by the guy you thought loved you, is only going to hurt more. Whilst I understand that you are going to have these nervous and un-trusting emotions, you must realise that not everyone is like. The right guy would definitely be there to support you and make sure you were okay.
In relation to you taking your anger out on your parents and falling in love to quickly, I don't think the previous answers realise that it may not be as simple as just stop. The way you deal with anger seems to be deflect the feelings on to others, that way you get the emotion off your chest without really dealing with your problem. They were right when they said your parents don't deserve it, because it obviously wasn't them who caused your anger. So try to maybe deal with the problem itself or find a different way to express your anger, like maybe through writing or something.
Forgive me if I'm wrong here, but for you to fall in love 'too quickly' it sounds like you may have an addictive personality. There's nothing wrong with that, you just have to be careful not to give your heart away to people who won't look after it. I know how it feels to find someone online who you think is perfect for you so you put so much effort in to it in the hope that everything will work out, but ultimately come out with nothing. It hurts and is upsetting, but that's the problem with an addictive personality, you don't mean to but you can't help but addicted to that person because you feel they're everything you could possibly need. I really hope this answer has been able to help even just a little bit and hopefully given some peace of mind.
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A
male
reader, Uncle PJ +, writes (16 July 2013):
Okay, I've read the other answers in response to your question and I think they're slightly out of joint. For the record, not all guys on dating sites are out to get you naked and are plain weird, I hope a previous statement regarding these sites hasn't put you off.
There a lot more genuine people on these sites nowadays and more our age seem to join these sites everyday, I am also on a dating website. I do agree that there are some real pervs on there and yes some are there just to be predators but as long as you are careful on these sites, nothing should matter too much.
Don't get involved in any sexual conversation or anything like that if you haven't met the guy. To show that he's real, use phone calls and then skype before deciding to meet someone.
I'm not really going to talk about this guy because it seems pretty clear that you or he has deciding it isn't going to work and you should both cut your losses.
But I can completely understand why you would have hang ups and be fearful when it comes to new partners. Having an abortion, maybe against your will, must have been a devastating situation to be in. It must have hurt so much and to have been left cold by the guy you thought loved you, is only going to hurt more. Whilst I understand that you are going to have these nervous and un-trusting emotions, you must realise that not everyone is like. The right guy would definitely be there to support you and make sure you were okay.
In relation to you taking your anger out on your parents and falling in love to quickly, I don't think the previous answers realise that it may not be as simple as just stop. The way you deal with anger seems to be deflect the feelings on to others, that way you get the emotion off your chest without really dealing with your problem. They were right when they said your parents don't deserve it, because it obviously wasn't them who caused your anger. So try to maybe deal with the problem itself or find a different way to express your anger, like maybe through writing or something.
Forgive me if I'm wrong here, but for you to fall in love 'too quickly' it sounds like you may have an addictive personality. There's nothing wrong with that, you just have to be careful not to give your heart away to people who won't look after it. I know how it feels to find someone online who you think is perfect for you so you put so much effort in to it in the hope that everything will work out, but ultimately come out with nothing. It hurts and is upsetting, but that's the problem with an addictive personality, you don't mean to but you can't help but addicted to that person because you feel they're everything you could possibly need. I really hope this answer has been able to help even just a little bit and hopefully given some peace of mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013): You did the right thing by just giving up. Yes he was playing you.
Most of the people you meet online are just looking for someone to chat with. You are filling a empty space in their time, until they find someone else they consider more interesting. That's why they're online, so they can have a multitude of people to talk to.
Many guys you meet online are social rejects. In the world of reality, they often can't approach females, because they are awkward or weird. The vast majority are total creeps when you meet them in person.
Online, they can create a virtual personality, and say what you want to hear. All they have to do is read your profile, and pretend they are everything you're looking for. They don't have to use their real pics, they can photo-shop a profile pic; so beware of these creepy scum-bags.
Don't go online and believe everything people say. That's too naive and foolish. They get a lot of practice talking to females. They get to know intimate things about you. They find out how vulnerable you are and manipulate you.
Your age is somewhere between 18-21. That's a prime age for these jerks to exploit. They are usually much older than they claim in their profiles; and as you probably know from your own experience, many don't even look like their pics.
Their primary goal is to get naked pics, and get you to participate in sexting. If they can't coerce you into doing it, they dump you cold.
You are setting yourself up to be played by online predators. They get off on finding sensitive girls who pour out their hearts. They string them along, and let them get attached. Then they dump them. Some go even further, they weasel their way into getting personal information on where you live, and phone numbers. They seduce women for sex and then disappear.
Let these two experiences you've had teach you a lesson about dealing with these strangers online. You are very young and obviously spend a lot of time online, without any type of guidance from anyone of experience and maturity.
Don't be too quick to offer men online details about your personal life. Don't get swept away, because they tell you they want everything that you want. They read your profile and already know, so they can play you along by feeding you your own profile.
Keep these conversations more about them than you. Get to know who they are and what they're looking for. You'll weed out many creeps; because they don't like talking about themselves. Those that do, will offer too much information, and from that you'll know when it's time to go.
If he sounds too good to be true. Trust your gut, he is too good to be true.
Try meeting more guys in-person; so you'll be safe,and on equal-footing. You can hear their voices, see their smiles,
and read their body-language. Let natural chemistry take place.
You need to keep your charm and interpersonal skills up, so your personality is appreciated more. What you see is usually what you get, when meeting men face to face. You'll also become more skillful in picking out personality quirks, by meeting them in-person.
Don't become too dependent on online-dating. It's mostly fishing in a barrel. You don't need a personality to do it. You'll catch more carp than lobsters. Beware of the sharks and bottom-feeders. They'll devour you.
It's easy to meet more people online, but you also increase the probability of meeting more people who'll do you emotional harm. As you're now beginning to learn by first-hand experience.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 July 2013):
 Well, first of STOP taking your anger out on your family, THEY don't deserve it.
Secondly, from what you write I think he back off because you were to "aggressive" in your expectations.
He "should" have let you know that he might be MIA with a death in the family - but I don't blame him. People deal with death in many ways and even if YOU thought everything was peachy-keen and he was "perfect for you.. doesn't mean he felt the same. Also deciding that someone is the GUY for you after a few e-mail/texts/IM is just plain ridiculous. IT IS not at all reality. You over analyze his every word, trying to make it fit whatever YOU want.
YOU need to SLOW down when getting to know a guy. Slow WAY down.
This guy, you can write off, he has already decided that you are not for him - however he should have had the NADS to tell you.
You have all these expectations for a mate (which is good) but you need to find a way to not project them on to a guy with in the first few days.
And I would suggest that IF you connect with someone on a dating site that you met up fairly fast face to face (and I'm not talking sex here, I'm talking going out for coffee, tea and crumpet, lunch - whatnot) and get to know the person IN person.
Last but not least... You got hurt in the past, got it. We have (more or less) ALL been there. YOU need to find a way to not hold the NEXT guy responsible for your EX's behaviors and misdeeds. THE NEW guy is NOT your ex.
Good luck and honey, slow down. ENJOY getting to know a new person. All this expectation of instant "happily ever after" is unrealistic.
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