A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A couple of weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and noticed my bf was masturbating in bed beside me whilst looking at his phone. As soon as he noticed I was awake, he swiftly closed the phone and took his hand away and acted like nothing had happened. For context, over the last few months, we have been having a decreasing amount of sex. Even small things like him complimenting me when I was undressing for bed completely diminished whereas he used to be all over me. We’ve been together for 1.5 years now and we are both really stressed with trying to work from home during the pandemic and manage job uncertainty. So I had put it down to a mixture of both of those factors - stress and becoming more comfortable with each other. So I was a bit shocked when I caught him playing with himself and presumably looking at porn after not wanting sex earlier that night.I’ll point out here that I don’t have an issue with porn/masturbation in general but I felt it was a little disrespectful to look at it whilst in bed next to me. But on weighing it up I decided I was probably making a big deal out of nothing and didn’t say anything.Fast forward to this week and I’ve discovered he’s pretty much doing it every night. As soon as he thinks I’m asleep, the phone and lube comes out and he pleasures himself. Meanwhile, we’ve probably had sex twice in 3 weeks. Slowly this has started to upset me more and more and has poked at one of my deepest insecurities - that he’s getting bored of me. This has been a pattern in my previous relationships and I guess I must still be carrying some baggage from that.Anyway, it happened again this morning and I decided to broach the subject with him. Note: this is something I have been very bad at in the past. In previous relationships I used to keep things to myself so as to not rock the boat, only they would fester and become much bigger issues than they started. I have learned this is a bad approach but this is the first time I’ve been confronted with a situation in which to try a different approach.My bf denied masturbating or looking at porn but he was really upset and apologised for making me feel less desired and promised to fix that. I didn’t push him to admit it although I’m 99.999% sure that’s what he was doing, and instead tried to explain a bit about my headspace in that I’ve been feeling a disconnect, paired with the fact I’ve gained a few pounds in lockdown and some unexpected baggage has resurfaced that I obviously still need to work on. But my main thought was it was better to raise my concerns rather than let them fester. He agreed and we hugged it out.So I should be happy, but I’m actually wishing I’d said nothing at all. He’s been lovely about it but he’s obviously really upset that I felt this way and now keeps apologising for making me feel bad. It’s almost become me reassuring him that it probably mostly stems from my insecurities rather than anything he has done. I also feel really awkward, vulnerable and exposed, like I’ve unloaded loads of heavy emotional issues onto him that he didn’t ask for. I don’t think it’s anything he’s doing, I think it’s coming from me because I’m used to pushing this type of thing down so as not to inconvenience the other person and now I’ve put it all out there. I’m worried he’s now thinking I’ve changed from a cool, laid back girlfriend to this overly emotional woman that he didn’t sign up for.So with all that in mind I guess my question is this: was I wrong to have told him how I was feeling about this, or is it likely I just feel so awkward as I’m finally stepping out of my comfort zone of being a people pleaser?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2020): How do you think you would feel if you hadn't opened-up, and hadn't been totally honest with him about your feelings?
As your committed-boyfriend, he has a moral-responsibility for your feelings. He is not responsible for your previously-attained, or long-standing insecurities; that's something you work-on yourself, or you should seek professional-counseling for it. Telling someone who has hurt you that they have hurt you; and how they've hurt you, is very courageous. It is also necessary. How else would they know, unless they are trying to hurt you on purpose? If they are doing it deliberately; they are begging for a confrontation!!! In-fact, therapists make tons of money pretending they're trying to get people to do that. If their patient refuses to, or enjoys the drama, why cut-off the gravy-train?
Not addressing your concerns, and burying your feelings to avoid disagreement or confrontation is the mistake you've made in past-relationships. That created your insecurities. There is no perfect relationship; and being in-denial, or suppressing your true-feelings, won't keep the peace. Left unresolved, these issues or problems will fester, and nag at you. They'll make you resentful, angry, and depressed. You'll pick fights to vent that anger; but you'll dance around the real reason(s) you're hurt and upset. It becomes a pattern, and people will take advantage of it. They'll make you blame yourself for causing discord and disagreement. You did, if you're fighting about everything and anything; but what the real problem is. Deferring from the real problem, but creating tension and strife; because you hate being upset, and unable to be honest about what has really hurt and bothered you. If you're with someone you can't be honest with, or talk to, get rid of them!!! They are a hazard to your health and well-being!!! They're a pain in the A$$!
Never blame yourself for someone else hurting you. Never apologize for being truthful. Expect people to be defensive and embarrassed when they've been busted or exposed! Who's fault is it really? They're mad or sorry they got caught!
You owe apologies for making false-accusations born out of paranoia or suspicion; not for what you've witnessed with your own eyes, or have heard with your own ears!
You step back. Let him deal with his own guilt and remorse. Let him figure-out how to resolve this and repair the harm he has caused you. Don't comfort him, he should be comforting YOU! You have nothing to apologize for. He didn't catch you, you caught him. You aren't denying him sex; he's the one who suddenly changed your sex-life. If he was the one hurt, he'd be here!
Truth is, he's humiliated and ashamed that he got busted; then he lied to you. It's embarrassing to be caught doing something you feel you need to hide and do. Like he would, if his mom accidentally walked-in on him when he was a kid.
In this case, what he is doing has affected the relationship; and has lowered your self-esteem. In his defense, sex with the same person sometimes gets a little boring and predictable. It's not you, or your partner's fault. It could happen either-way. It's a known fact that all committed-relationships hit a plateau, snag, or a dive in the bedroom-department. If anybody tells you they've never had a problem, never got bored, or their mind never strayed...they're lying! Or, it just hasn't happened yet! Women claim it never happens to them. Yeah, right! Read DC! If you're human, it will sooner or later.
That's why we form a monogamous-commitment; it means we will resist any temptation to be with anyone else. It is meant to create a bond of trust. It doesn't mean you will never want sex with anybody else. The test, or challenge, is in remaining faithful; and keeping the promise. Masturbation is a common-alternative to outright cheating; and a pressure-release, when sex is not readily available. Sometimes it hits you, and you need a release! It is not a substitute for sex, if you have a healthy, willing, and capable committed-partner. Masturbation can become habit-forming; and porn can become addictive. Porn...the devil's favorite tool for ruining marriages and relationships! I won't debate with anybody. I'll just go-by anecdotal-evidence. I don't need it. I neither condone nor advocate for it. My relationship is free of it!
Guilt happens, but it doesn't solve anything. The point is to address a problem, talk it out, and reach a compromise and/or solution. When things settle-down, and everyone has regained some composure; work it out. He knows how it affects you, but if he has become slightly addicted; then he will have to chuck the porn, and go cold-turkey to ween himself off masturbation. Stop blaming your weight, that creates a whole other set of issues he will not be able to resolve for you. That's something you've decided to be the problem. If he never told you that, then don't go there. "Guessing" what you haven't discussed is jumping to conclusions. That's unfair. Even criminals get to plead a case in their defense. They can't be convicted without a trial and unquestionable-evidence. You've caught him more than once. Your case is legit. Your weight is circumstantial, not necessarily relevant!
Porn doesn't help the situation, no matter how much people try to defend it. If you're going to have a happy sex-life, porn can't be a "secret side-activity." It's like cheating; and it is cheating, if it directly affects your sex-life. If your partner objects, why would you still use it??? If it's right, why would you hide and do it? It steals something from your relationship; and relationships can't withstand too many breaches in trust. If you're in your thirties, you're mature enough to know these things.
You weren't wrong in telling him how you're feeling. What would be wrong is not resolving the problem before it destroys your relationship.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2020): The way that you should have handled the situation was to sit up in bed and turn on the lamp demanding to see exactly what he was looking at, on his phone, while jerking his dick! It is just wrong that he turned you down for your request for sex and then jerks while you are asleep! If he was suddenly horny, he could have started touching and kissing your body, so both of you could have been happy! He denies that he was looking at porn on his phone, so was he reading texts from another woman or pics sent by another woman, to him? You need to get tough and seperate truth from lies and bullshit! Look, it is normal for both people to talk about their heavy baggage, with their mate! The idea is that two people can make the burden lighter, for one another! If he thought your baggage was too heavy for him, he had the free will, to stay with you, or turn and walk! Ok, so he stayed, that is good! But when a man crawls between the sheets, with a naked, or near naked woman, nightly, he owes her total loyalty!
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A
male
reader, stanliwise  +, writes (3 July 2020):
 The part you are trying to find yourself in the blame is what I don’t understand. Things more worst than this small issue will arise in future and I am sure you won’t feel bad for pointing things out to him. Only God knows what you told him that is making you feel guilty. You only asked for respect you deserve and I see nothing wrong in that. Probably you are not use to it so that is why you feel guilty.
That Aside, he masturbate while on same bed with you is quite shocking and such pattern of behavior to me is off the hook, something is really happening to him, and it is only him that knows.
Your part here is to remain vigilant of what is going on. You need to understand if this is just a bad habit or it is a reaction to something going on in your relationship.
I advise you don’t want he quite masturbation, because a lot of guys has been indulging in this act long before they ever had a girl, But you deserve some respect and courtesy while he is around you. He can do it in bathroom and maybe somewhere else not when you are around. Or when you are on same bed. Except two of you do it together (if you are interested), aside this it is quite disrespectful.
The only problem here is you need to know what this mean, it is important you know so understand if it is just something to ignore or something to investigate. To masturbate that often is one thing also coupled with frequent watching of porn often is quite crazy. You may need to start having a watchful eyes about other activities he is into, I don’t mean you start stalking him but you may need to concentrate more on details.
Also why he denied it, is something to worry about, maybe he feels you’re trying to judge him rather than knowing the truth. I suggest you this time request the truth rather than judging. Things being fine between you now is nothing compared to knowing the truth and transparency. If he keeps denying it then something strange is obviously going on and such behavior is more than a habit.
Everyone has something in the closet but if someone understanding is trying to help especially our spouse I see nothing bad in confiding. If not then such thing is directly dangerous for everyone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2020): This is a habit he's probably had for years but it feels a bit insulting to you and I think many others would feel the same way.
He's in the room with you but acting as if he is in a single bed with a wall between you both.
The fact that he didn't admit he was jacking off says quite a bit about how he views the act.
He feels guilty and won't admit the truth. Other guys would admit to it immediately and say 'well you were asleep and I didn't want to wake you.'
But as this is a regular habit maybe you should tell the guy that you are not a room mate and he probably will go to the shower for some quick relief.
I personally think it's a bit of a nail in the coffin.
Soon you will start to think of some guy who is more into you than himself.
Or will your guy wise up and pay you more attention?
Are you the only one paying the rent?
If so he is taking a casual approach and should be encouraged to get himself a single room somewhere so he can at least have a corner of his own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2020): Yes.... you were absolutely right in talking to him about this.
I’m like you. I have no issue with masturbation or porn, but I also would feel hurt in your position.
The fact that he is upset about it shows he cares. He didn’t realise he made you feel that way. He is upset that HE has made you feel that way. He is upset with himself, not you.
Although you now feel bad that he is upset, the fact he is shows that he doesn’t want to hurt you. This is good. He cares about you.
Him not having sex with you probably has nothing to do with you. As you said, it could be stress or anything. My partner is the same. We both have high sex drives, however, when he is stressed or under pressure our sex life decreases for a while.
When you brought up the issue with him, did you ask him how he feels about it? If there is a reason for the decrease in sex? He has feelings and emotions too.
Communication should go both ways. I’m not taking his side AT ALL.
But asking these types of questions can help you get to the bottom of things, deal with things together and move forward.
But I understand that this type of communication is new for you. It may take you a while to get more comfortable with it. But the more you do it and get use to it, the better the relationship you will both have. Partners should be able to be vulnerable with each other, you have opened that gate.
Set up a lovely date night for the both of you at home. Cook a lovely romantic meal, candles, music and wine. Cuddle up to each other, laugh together, talk to each other.
Open up a little bit more. Not just about your insecurities. But also about what you love about each other, what is going well in your relationship. When you make each other feel good. Make it a positive experience, opening up is not just about the negative. Talking about the positive aswell will show your boyfriend that you are still the cool girl.
You will feel more connected the more you open up. You don’t need to do it all at once but you will slowly start to be more comfortable opening up to each other.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 July 2020):
 I think it WAS good that you told him.
Masturbating is fine, but in the bed RIGHT next to your sleeping partner? That's a little off-putting to me as well. And yes, I think MOST women would feel like you did. That he has lost interest. So again, I don't think this is about you being insecure.
You have now brought this up, giving him something to think about.
See if anything changes.
As for telling him other things that are weighing on your mind, well I think that is normal too. I think it means you are getting more comfortable sharing your authentic self. AS LONG AS you don't expect him to be your therapist. I do think you feel awkward about this, it's partly that you DID step outside of your comfort zone and partly because you really don't know what to really DO to fix this issue.
One thing I want you to keep in mind, HIM choosing to masturbate is not really ABOUT you as much as it's about him. It seems HE is also more comfortable around you. It's seems like he has gotten a BIT lazy in the seducing you and effort it requires to ACTUALLY have sex.
It is good to not let things fester and to NOT suck up things that feels off to you.
ALSO, you CAN be a cool GF who also is emotional. You know that right?
I don't know what kind of lock down rules you have in your are, but IF at all possible, GET out every day and go for a walk. Watch your "snacking" habit and start making a little indoor gym regiment. You can easily do a 15-30 min a day floor exercises. IT might not make you lose weight but it WILL make you feel better.
Chin up.
YOU are supposed to communicate with your partner. That is part of a healthy relationship.
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