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anonymous
writes: My bf and I are having problems in our relationship. I have tried talking to him about it but he doesn't want to discuss it. A girlfriend called me and asked why I was so down so I told her. My bf found out that I had told her about us, and was very angry that I confided our problems, in my friend. He said I was wrong to do what I did-that our problems are personal and no one has to know about it. Was I wrong to do what I did? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (16 January 2007):
 Hi there,
Well I always think it's best to talk to my partner about things without involving anyone else - 1) because I don't want whoever it is to get a bad impression of my guy and 2) because I would feel strange knowing one of my guy's friends knows about our relationship problems.
I'm wondering if you told him how serious you were affected by whatever was going on. Maybe he thought whatever it was wasn't a big deal. Maybe the both of you need to work on communicating with one another. I mean there's a big difference between saying something like "Maybe we could talk about how this problem is effecting our relationship" and "we need to talk because I'm very upset because of [point one], [point two], and [point three]. I would feel a lot better about our relationship if we could work through this problem right now before it festers and becomes worse." Maybe you need to be more firm with your feelings instead of making it sound as if it's not a big deal. I'm not saying you didn't do this, but I don't know for sure as your post didn't give details about this.
If you did try to have a discussion with him and did let your feelings be known, then I see why you would tell your friend. You needed to vent. You needed someone to cry to. You needed your boyfriend, but he was unwilling to be there. What you did wasn't wrong unless you knew that he didn't want you to tell particular things to friends. Maybe you two need to have an understanding when it comes to situations like this. I think either he or the both of you need to work on your communication skills a bit more. Because now he feels mad (and probably awkward) and you are irritated and questioning what you did.
So no, I don't think what you did was wrong in this particular case, but I do think you both need to have a discussion with one another concerning future communication.
Take care.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): its a fact that women share all kinds of details about their partners from size and performance to how loud we snore, thats something us men have had to put up with for thousands of years.
but your partner has a right to feel as he does, some details are just personal, especially problems. you felt frustrated and that you had no one else to talk to. thats understandable but your partner most likely wants you to talk to him. us men arent usually very good with our emotions and find them hard to deal with. maybe he wants you to talk about the problems with him? the key is not to talk down, be sarcastic or lose your temper (where most women go wrong when talking emotions with men)appologise to him and just be open and honest. an honest relationship is always a better one
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male
reader, Blue Rat  +, writes (16 January 2007):
Sorry but I think your boyfriend is being a bit precious about it. Almost anyone having relationship problems will need to talk to a close friend or family member about it, and broadly speaking that's healthy - getting another view, another perspective. As long as you're not chatting about it with all and sundry, he shouldn't be getting angry with you. And if he won't discuss it with you himself, then he has even less reason to be angry. I don't see anything wrong with what you did.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): If your boyfriend didn't want to listen to you and you told a friend then what is his problem. He wasn't there when you needed him the most. Just be careful what you confide in a friend. I have a best friend who is more like a sister and i tell her all, but i never let on to my bloke that she knows so much, she would never say. He should be there for you, not moan after you have told her. Tough!
Take care
xx
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (16 January 2007):
 Let's put it this way: I can understand why you told your friend, but I can also understand your boyfriend being upset.
Your boyfriend thinks that your problems are private, and he's right, just think of how you would feel if he discussed something deeply private belonging to the two of you with his friends. It wouldn't feel to good, ah?
But also it was not very nice of him not to listen to you when you tried to tell him how you were feeling about something, so I can understand why you told your girlfriend.
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