A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please can someone help me you see I don't know if I was in the wrong with my partner or not so heres the story...I've been with my partner coming up 7 years, we've got kids together and I would say we have a happy, caring and loving relationship until recently I found out that he had joined a dating site I of course went ballistic and told him not to go on it again he told me the reasons he was on it was to learn how to talk to women as he doesn't have that much confidence I could see his point but I read the mail he was sending to these women and it got to me because he doesn't speak to me like that and I also found out that he gave one of them his number...All I want to know is was I out of order to go ballistic and ban him from the site ?
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confidence, flirt, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): Your Nightmare has already started if he was into you right now he would not be on the computer.......
Why does he have the need to talk and flirt with other women, my husband was very (all of the obove you say about your partner)he was also very loving, until he met a woman (whore) sorry couldnt help myself, anyway, nobody believed he would, but he did, met her at her apartment, 2nd day went back, and did the nasty and from there he carried it on for 2mos until I found out, now I am trying to heal with counsellors, support of my family, and he the hubby is trying to be there 24/7 for me to forgive me.....where was he when I needed him,,,,he was online talking to whores telling them what we wanted to do to them sexually, this is a guy afraid of his own shadow...but he did it!
there is no reason your partner should be on there, he has time to talk , he should be talking to you flirting with you!!!!!!
Step it Up
Dont be Foolish
A
female
reader, LoveMyadvice  +, writes (13 February 2008):
Hello,
Don't do what you'll have to find an excuse for. ~Proverb,
Signing up for online dating is just as bad as if he walked in to a dating service or a bar to pick up chicks. He is looking for something. Your ballistic behavior was caused by this. You have a right to not be comfortable with this and he has the responsibility to put a stop to it. I wouldn't accuse him of anything, this may be a warning sign for you to be open your eyes. Let him know it bothers you, talk to him, let things cool down, when you tell him how it bothers you, make sure you don't accuse him of anything, just make it clear that this is unacceptable. If he loves you, he will understand and stop the excuses and stop the online games.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 There are always two sides to a coin, the male and female perspective.They don't see things in the same way.
From your side, you may think you are in the right and he may think from his side , likewise.
Sometimes , it is not who is right or wrong but you need to compromise and seek the middle ground.
Flirting can be innocuous or it can lead to bigger things.
You may tell him your feelings about it but if he wants to flirt , there is no way you can stop him whether it is online or in the real world. He may not flirt from home but could from any pc.
Most men out of respect for them ,do not want to mess with their wives and so they will stop when she complains.What they do when not in her presence is another issue.
If he does not want to listen , what can you do about it?
Will you break up with him because of this issue?
Do you think a 7 year relationship is worth giving up just because he flirted online and said those mushy words with other women?
If he does not want to give up this habit, then you too can flirt online and enjoy other men's attention.
It is just flirting only .As long as you know where to draw the line.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): If he is talking to women on a dating site, especially in a sexual way, then that is a problem. However, he may have no desire to actually meet any of these women. He may have told the truth, but that is still the wrong way to build confidence. These women may be looking for sex or just there to feel attractive and build their confidence like he says he is. It's hard to know if he is telling the truth or trying to set up an affair.
If he were flirting with a friend of his or a friend of both of you in a harmless way, then that would be different and my wife and I both find that acceptable. We both used to do that and never had any intention of going any farther than harmless flirting. That helps one to feel attractive and helps build confidence. It is always nice to know that others find you attractive, but only if all know that is all the farther it goes. You were not wrong. You are right in your wish to talk to him about this.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Hi again,
I understand a bit better now. I wonder if he is using your infidelity as an excuse to explore other options himself.
Despite what you said, what your husband is doing is wrong ( that is why you wrote here!) and is anything but "trustworthy".
You guys need to set out your limits, if I was doing what your husband was doing my wife would throw my arse out of the house before I had a chance to catch my breath.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forget to mention that my partner is the most caring and trustworthy person I have ever met and trust me he isn't a cheat I cheated on him at the beginning of the relationship I just wanted to clear that up...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the quick response and I think your right we do need to sit an dhave a talk... THANKS
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (13 February 2008):
Hi,
I'm sorry to see that you accepted his lame arse excuse for contacting these woman. If he wanted to learn to communicate with women he could've joined a patchwork quilt class, why does it have to be related to sex? Ask yourself that.
The fact that you accepted his excuse so easy is a problem in itself. The cheating spouse is in heaven when his partner turns a blind eye, he can go on his merry way spreading his seed knowing the good wife at home will merely shrug it off.
Until you put an end to this behaviour by setting some conditions I doubt he will change, why would he?
Personally, to me he sounds like another lying cheating rat filling the pages of this site.
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A
female
reader, speedcat +, writes (13 February 2008):
You wrong ? I think not ,,,harmless flirting is one thing but giving a phone number,,,,crossing the line,,,give em hell....
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A
female
reader, crmiller93 +, writes (13 February 2008):
you were not out wrong to tell him tht!!
if he cant understand why you would tell him that then you two need to have a calm sit down talk about it.. so that he can here your side and you can here his.. but first i would apoligize for freaking out and jumping to conclusions so that he wont be objective to sitting down with you... but what ever you do dont let something like this tear up your relation ship, youll both regret it in the long run
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