A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Aunts, I've had a break up 12 days ago. It was a relationship of 10 years. I've never seen this coming honestly. Things were not working out between us, we have changed as people (he was not giving me space, interfering on my job choices and commenting about my friends). The problem is that all said and done, it's extremely difficult to stay without him, ever since he moved out. Besides, we were to be married this fall and we had ordered our stuffs which keeps on arriving. Finding it extremely difficult to cope with everything. Any suggestions, dear Aunts? Am I right to break up with him? Should I seek professional help to get rid of the depression? Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2017): Yes seek help for the depression and cancel as many of the wedding items that you can!
It is very sad that you were expecting a happy future as a married couple and you are now going your separate ways!
There isnt a right or wrong about all this but there is a lot of talking to be done and professional counsellors are trained to listen.
You could talk about your relationship, how it changed and explore different objectives and likely outcomes!
It would probably be your best step forward.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 April 2017):
 Breaking up after ANY lengthy relationship is BOUND to hurt. That is natural. And most people DO second guess themselves after a break up because they haven't really gone through the motions of grieving the end of a relationship and then moving on.
It's ONLY been 12 days, OP. I would suspect it will take you close to a YEAR at least to fully letting go and moving on. And that is FINE. People are NOT disposable neither are emotions.
While you ended it with him (and for GOOD reasons) you also CARED for him for 10 YEARS. The relationship with him has no doubt given you many lessons that you can use as you move forward, one being that HAVING a standard of HOW others treat you is OK. That NOT accepting controlling behavior is OK. That sometimes you HAVE to walk away when boundaries are crossed to a point where your life becomes miserable, confining and unhappy.
It's also not strange that over the 10 years you BOTH grew and changed in little ways. We ALL do and honestly the BIGGEST growth I think people have, is in their late teens and 20's. Unfortunately, we don't always GROW at the same speed as our partner or in the same direction. THAT happens.
Whether the REASONS you have for breaking up with him are "right" is something ONLY you can decide, we can't DO that for you.
I suspect the relationship has been problematic for a while (since you needed space?) and it came to a breaking point where you HAD to realize it JUST wasn't OK anymore. Again, that is natural, we ALL have limits.
As for all the wedding stuff that keeps arriving, I'm sorry that must be hard. Maybe you can either send it back or try and sell it online to "get rid" of it and get some of the cost back.
Should you seek professional help? If YOU feel that is the right step, do so. Maybe a therapist can help guide you through the process of grief and moving on.
I don't think it's at all UNCOMMON to feel the way you do after a breakup of a 10-year relationship but sometimes we NEED help in moving on.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2017): don't stay with someone because you miss the "company". You have become used to his presence, but you broke up with him for a reason. People tend to change the most in their twenties..and many of the changes you are experiencing are normal and better to acknowledge them and split now, than pretending he will change. He will not.Yes, therapy can help you understand yourself more, why you made this decision and what kind of life you wanted without him. It will also help you understand your choices..a relationship works two ways..your own blindness is important to investigate("I never saw this coming"). The fact that you were about to get married plays an important role in all of this. His increasing control and criticisms may be a response to his fear of marriage.THIS WILL PASS. Work on it and MOVE ON. This will not happen when the right person enters your life. But you will not know who that person is unless you know yourself better.
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