A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ive been seeing this guy for over a year and it has been a FWB situation due to our inability be together because of our jobs and his current relationship. (long story about that ) We deployed to 2 different locations in which he kept in contact frequently. Things were rough because i was trying to use the time away to separate myself from him but it became difficult when he would always talk about how much he missed me and would always come back even when I did and said any and everything to much him away. Now that deployment is over, things are different. He now says that he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore because he doesn't want to get too emotionally attached. This hurt me and made me feel some type of way because i am still very much attracted to him sexually and emotionally. I felt rejected. He suggested that we just be friends with no sex. I told him hat i couldn't do that because i still would want to have sex and i wouldn't be able to suppress the feelings that I have for him. within 30 minutes, we had sex in which afterwards he told me to keep the condoms just in case. When asked abut the sex the next day, he said that forced him to do it. This made me angry in which i firmly told him that i didn't want anything to do with him anymore since he gets back and forth with what he says and what he does. At first he accepted my decision but within a day he started purposely posting things on social media to spark a negative reaction from me (he admitted to this) or making his presence known when we are at work. Ignored him like he didn't exist to the point where he blocked me on social media and then texted me so that we could talk. He said he blocked me from social media in hopes that i would get mad and confront him about it so that he can suggest that we be friends. To make along story short, why is he doing all of this for a "friendship" (which he has pitched before and it never works) if i agree to his friendship, i suffer because its like I'm being kept on shelf until he feels like taking me down. why wont he give me the space to heal and move on from this? why doesnt he just focus on his relationship? why wouldn't he want an emotional attachment? am I wrong to feel rejected and discarded?
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at work, condom, move on, spark, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 April 2017):
 You need to block him from social media and your phone. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but he enjoys the attention and he doesn't want anyone else to have you so he keeps you at arms length. Don't let him. You and him are not friends. So stop all the contact. Its the only way that you will be able to move on.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 April 2017):
 The option, OP. It's all about ego, and the pleasure of knowing one has options. He is in control. He gets to pick and choose, he gets to pursue or discard. Plus, he may not want an ongoing sexual relationship, but - why throwing away a good lay , just in case ? ( Pardon the bluntness ).
It's like... I love shoes . I own many pairs of shoes. And some of them , I don't wear them since a long time and I am not likely to wear them again any time soon. But- It feels good knowing that , IF I want- I can decide to wear that pair , or this pair- and I surely would hate to be forced by another person to throw away my " just in case " shoes. That's for me to decide , when to dispose of something.
Some people does this with shoes , or books, CDs, etc.etc. - some other do it with women ( or men ).
Also, you don't know if he had in mind to reject you sexually forever - or, if more probably, it's just situational ; like keeping a low profile because his partner acted up, or being too preoccupied with other stuff like work or money , to be in affair mood, or simply - just going though a moment of satiety. After all, I guess by now the novelty of the affair wore off, maybe he needs new stimuli right now ... Which, of course, would not prevent him from going back to the " true and tried " some time in future.
OP , he told you ! : keep the condoms "just in case ". You are Ms.Justincase.
Again, why is he not focusing on his relationship only- because he does not have to ! , as long as you feed his ego this way . If he can have his narcissitic supply of cake and eat it too, why not. His relationship is just fine, from his point of view ( well, at least he did not give you the stale cliche' of " my wife does not understand me " or " my marriage is basically over " " ). Focusing on what ?, for him things work smoothly at home , - at most he will want to focus on getting his kicks, keeping himself entertained, exploring sexual options and stirring up some drama to make life more interesting. Which precisely what you allow him to ddo.
But then again, why all this mind reading efforts on your side ? At the end of the day only HE can know and say for sure what's really on his mind and why he does X rather than Y- the problem is that you should not care either way !
He is taken. There are work / hierarchy problems. You do not want him back. You are leaving soon. And he does not even want to have sex with you.
This story is dead - why do you keep wanting a post-mortem ?? Just block him, ignore him, avoid him, say to yourself " enough is enough "- and move on with your life. Whether he likes it or not.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 April 2017):
 Don't LET him control your actions, I know it's harder said than done.
It's a GOOD thing you are transferring soon, it will give you a new start AWAY from him and I SINCERELY suggest that you BLOCK him in EVERY way once you PCS.
JUSt IGNORE him for the next few months, be busy with friends (REAL friends), life, work, career path, hobbies etc.
Why does he want to keep you around if he doesn't want sex? Because he doesn't want YOU to move on from HIM. NONE of his actions or behaviors are for YOUR benefit - it's ALL about him.
If you have to, FAKE it. When you do run into him (work or around the base/post) TREAT him like you would ANY OTHER Joe. He really is no one special.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your honesty. I think you have it all wrong, i d not want to be in this anymore. i have told him this multiple times. if i tell him immune and take action to do so, he will work extra hard to bring me back. if i agree to be his "friend" i find that he leaves me alone until like you said, he gets the urge to bother me again. i feel rejected and discarded about the sex things. if he doesn't want the sex anymore then why is he still tying to keep me on the shelf? that would mean that there is no longer a FWB situation. this is what i am trying to understand, i am confused. when we were on deployment and i tried to leave this, i asked him why he keeps holding on and his response was that we have a bond that was created, i would assume that would mean an emotional attachment, now he is saying he doesn't want one. I will be transferring in a few months so maybe that has something to do with it as well. he says he is happy in his relationship which is why i dont understand why he wont just focus on just that especially if there isn't an emotional attachment with me.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 April 2017):
He won't give you the space to heal and move on from this, because if he did, then he would not be able to keep you on the shelf intil he feels like taking you down. He's looking after his own interest- not yours.
He does not focus just on his relationship, because it's much more fun , at least for some people, when you can have your cake and eat it too. More excitement, life becomes more interesting. And if the people in their life are willing to let them have this double ( or mmultiple ) option, obviously they are not going to give it up when giving it up does not suit them.
He does not want an emotional atachment with you because he has already formed one elsewhere and his emotional needs are alreday met , and / or, because , tbh , one cannot will himself / herself to develop an emotional attachement which is not there , only because it would be the right thing to do.
Finaly, are you wrong in feeling rejected and discarded ? It depends .. He is not rejecting you ( I guess ( as a person. He is not rejecting you based on your looks or intelligence or personality. He rejects you just in the role of his steady, official , legitimate partner. Which will still feel like rejection, but , since you knew from the start that he was not available for the kind of relationship you want, a ) because he is already in another relationship and b ) because your work comes between you (... aren't you the army lady who's higher in rank than this guy ? ) in a way it was a rejection which was vluntarily embraced, and anyway easily predictable.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 April 2017):
am I wrong to feel rejected and discarded?
You feel what YOU feel. And the REASON you feel rejected and discarded is because he DID reject you and he DID discard you. Here is the thing though - HE s already in a relationship with someone else (if I read your post right) so HE had nothing (commitment wise) to GIVE you anyways. YOU were FROM the get go a piece of meat on the side.
He has been USING you from the get go and you ALLOWED it. Yes, ALLOWED it. When you knowingly start an FWB with a guy who HAS a partner already you ALLOW that person to treat you as a "mistress" because that is what you are. Don't like it? BLOCK him, move on. Put in for a transfer or school (sounds like you are military) away from where HE is.
He doesn't want to "let you" move on because HE gets something out of it. He KNOWS you actually have feelings for him and he is taking full advantage.
You are in your 30's so GROW UP and stop letting some dick control and ruin your life. Right now YOU are the one not letting him go - by pondering WHY he is doing what he is doing.
You CAN move on if you CHOOSE to do so.
If he shows up at work around you IGNORE him, unless you have DIRECT business with him. Be civil if you DO have to deal with him for work, but don't LET HIM get a rise out of you, so show NO emotions. JUST BE professional.
DON'T accept being "friends" - he isn't a friend, he is a cheating user.
He doesn't WANT an emotional attachment because he ALREADY has a partner. Doesn't matter how SUCKY that relationship is. He doesn't WANT to try and "run" two relationships. All he wanted was someone to stroke his ego and have sex with him at HIS whims.
And next time, if a guy has a partner (no matter how "complicated" he claims things to be, avoid it.) Go for single guys and don't settle for being am F-buddy or FWB if you want MORE. Having SEX with a guy doesn't make him think:" UH I want to be WITH her".
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