A
female
age
30-35,
*irginitee
writes:I'm reading a few of the questions on here and I'm super intrigued (and angry) about males' obsession with a girl being a virgin? Like really? Why does it matter? I would honestly rather not be a virgin (when I get married). But that's just my personal opinion and preference. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): The fact that most men don't SEEM to care about female promiscuity in the past does not prove they all don't care.
Look through the retro jealousy threads. How many of those guys were telling casual friends or even close friends about how they were feeling? Practically none of them. For most guys it's embarrassing to admit your woman has a wild enough history to cause you problems and it's embarrassing to admit you are having problems.
The overwhelming number of them talk about being ashamed to admit how they feel to anyone because they know how socially unacceptable their feelings are. Many don't even tell their woman how they feel or at least how badly and often. They come here to talk anonymously about what they cannot tell people they know.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): Not in a modern society,, come on. Or may be on the far east. Especially now when other forms of sex are practiced widely. No one is virgin anymore. A woman doesnt have to be promiscuous to have sex with other men before marriage. I married in my thirties, and had eight boyfriends long term, like a year or more, and obviously had sex with all of them also I had few short lived boyfriends that lasted from 2 months to6 months, and we also had sex, as how is it even possible if all they do every date are insisting on sex, and I wanted it also. And then I met my husband, and that's it , for the last 8 years and 3 kids later I am just with him. So as you see, not my husband not many men that I know couldn't care less about I am virgin or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): I recommend the books "the Purity Myth" and "Sex at Dawn"...human sexuality is a fascinating thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): I find the taking of a female virginity nasty and narcissistic
when I was a virgin a guy even turned me down when he found out, he said he wasn't really into it and it felt wrong.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (30 July 2013):
 I've never cared. Quite frankly personality is more important.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 July 2013):
 I don't think the virginity obsession reflects at all what's really going on IRL and in society ( at least, in Western society ).
It's because this is an Agony Aunt column. Same as we never get letters from people who are happily in a healthy, trouble free, mutually loving relationship ( what would they write us about ? ) but only from people who have problems with betrayal, abuse, unrequited love etc.etc. Based on DC, there aren't happy, reasonably troublee free couples, but, we all know and we all have seen with our eyes that in fact there are .
Ditto for the virginity. In all my by now alas longish life I have never, ever met a man who 'd give a hoot about being the first or marrying a virgin or whatnot ( with the exception of SOME Muslims , for whom it is a deap seated religious thing ). Normally, the men just don't care either way- and I am writing from Italy ! Imagine, say, how much can they care in, say, Scandinavian countries...
Those few who care , and for whom virginity or lack of the same is a big issue- write to Dear Cupid. Precisely because they are the exception not the rule, and precisely because they have a big problem, that to them is worth of lengthy discussions, about something that 99% of males ( again, at least Western males ) just won't bother thinking about.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): Virginity matters because female promiscuity matters to men. The majority of men do not want a promiscuous woman for a wife or serious partner. (Casual uncommitted partners are a different story entirely.) Most men never have wanted to settle down with promiscuous women and never will. It's the way people are programmed from primitive days. Living in a small cave man tribe you did not want a woman who had been sleeping around. The other guys in her past will never be gone, they will always be a nearby temptation for your wife again if you get in an argument. You will always wonder whose kids you are really raising. Not to mention the social stigma, the potential for STIs, etc. A virgin is best of all when you are choosing a wife barely older than puberty because its close to a guarantee. She probably still has a hymen so you have proof she is not already sleeping around and/or pregnant with someone else's child. So therefore this bad feeling lots of men have about a promiscuous wife is involuntary - I repeat - INVOLUNTARY. Sure we can understand intellectually that these feelings may be useless today and causing a problem. But our emotions do not care what our intellect tells us to feel. Not when it comes to choosing a mate. (Most women can intellectually understand that getting serious with a bad boy is a problem too. They still do it.)You can compare it to this: Its not unusual for women to feel bothered if their man was previously married or previous in love with another woman. (Or many women.) Rational? No. Fair? No. Helpful to the current relationship? No. But mother nature does not give a shit about any of that. It programs us to feel however evolution sees fit. Lotsa women get moderately or SEVERELY bothered if their man looks at other women or porn these days. Logic is one thing, feelings are another. I have heard women argue that a judge in a divorce hearing should see a man's porn use as full blown cheating! That is no more logical than men's negative feelings about female promiscuity. Mother nature is a bitch sometimes. She tortures us with feelings that serve no logical purpose in the 21st century.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): Its not important to most men these days. Only to those when time comes to pay the bill at the restaurant they start equality talk with you:). Then they remember suddenly that oh, that's right we are equal, let's split the bill.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): I totally agree with you and think its ridiculous that there is often such a double standard where they can sleep around but women can't. However I don't think any amount of rational discussion will convince these men that a woman has a right to have a past before she met him. I think their issues with women and sex go deeper than just virginity and affects their entire opinion of equality (or lack thereof) and the role of women being to please a man (to me anyway - I mean they are allowed to enjoy sex but we're sluts if we do? I don't think so!) Luckily, while it does seem to be common on here, in my experience in real life its much less of an issue. I've slept with 5 men in my life, and none of them have had an issue with the fact I've slept with men before them. So it's hopefully just a minority.
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