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anonymous
writes: How do I get over my wife's sexual history? Please be specific. I don't need any comments stating to "just get over it," or the "past is the past." I'm well aware of these things, but I just can't. I made the mistake of asking about her past, and details, and these visions haunt me. I know how awful it makes her feel so I've committed to never talking to her about it again. But I need help dealing my own emotions. Has anyone else had this problem, and managed on their own to make them stop. Please help, this is serious problem, and I don't know how to stop the demons in my head.
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reader, A Doctor  +, writes (30 November 2010):
This story is all too familiar to me. Even as a medical professional I feel the same pain as the original poster. I have been married for 27 years (two grown children) and still see the almost digital quality images of my wife with her lovers from her university days, not to mention the details of her abortion at the age of 18. This phenomenon has increased as our own sex life has slowly ebbed (I am convinced that this is one of the reasons the visions are returning, for many years she was the sexiest thing in the world and a wonderful mother, and our love life must have helped bury the thoughts) and now I hate the fact that she got underneath 5-6 men, so easily as a young woman and now rejects the man who gave her his name and a life. She has legitimately changed, she is a woman of faith and respected in the community, but the specter of those men, scattered across the country, who (as all men do) reflect on their "good times" with her 30+ years ago makes me ill. I think men (and many women) look at sex as something so special (virginity is not paramount, but your partner being selective and at least in love with her priors, lessons the blow) and I resent those intimate stolen nights, the whispers, and the animalistic nature of sex that she shared with others. I know that the spirit of the times (70's) and the unsupervised nature of a college experience placed her at risk, not to mention predatory underclassmen, but she still had a Christian upbringing and there is NO excuse for her behavior (I was only with one woman in my school days, that I nearly married). As I reflect, sadly, I should not have married her. I betrayed my own values because she was/is so beautiful (the girl-next-door type that you would NEVER suspect of having a dark sexual side) and our sex-life was so rewarding. I knew deep inside that she had not learned her sexual style from a book...but denial is such a powerful emotion. My life is essentially over in this area, as a devout Christian I will not leave her, but would advise any young man (woman) with traditional values and a real character to cut the bonds early and not to lower your standards. It will likely come back to haunt you when the passion fades.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): This story is all too familiar to me. Even as a medical professional I feel the same pain as the original poster. I have been married for 27 years (two grown children) and still see the almost digital quality images of my wife with her lovers from her university days, not to mention the details of her abortion at the age of 18. This phenomenon has increased as our own sex life has slowly ebbed (I am convinced that this is one of the reasons the visions are returning, for many years she was the sexiest thing in the world and a wonderful mother, and our love life must have helped bury the thoughts) and now I hate the fact that she got underneath 5-6 men, so easily as a young woman and now rejects the man who gave her his name and a life. She has legitimately changed, she is a woman of faith and respected in the community, but the specter of those men, scattered across the country, who (as all men do) reflect on their "good times" with her 30+ years ago makes me ill. I think men (and many women) look at sex as something so special (virginity is not paramount, but your partner being selective and at least in love with her priors, lessons the blow) and I resent those intimate stolen nights, the whispers, and the animalistic nature of sex that she shared with others. I know that the spirit of the times (70's) and the unsupervised nature of a college experience placed her at risk, not to mention predatory underclassmen, but she still had a Christian upbringing and there is NO excuse for her behavior (I was only with one woman in my school days, that I nearly married).
As I reflect, sadly, I should not have married her. I betrayed my own values because she was/is so beautiful (the girl-next-door type that you would NEVER suspect of having a dark sexual side) and our sex-life was so rewarding. I knew deep inside that she had not learned her sexual style from a book...but denial is such a powerful emotion. My life is essentially over in this area, as a devout Christian I will not leave her, but would advise any young man (woman) with traditional values and a real character to cut the bonds early and not to lower your standards. It will likely come back to haunt you when the passion fades.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): I made the same mistake with my current girlfriend. The truth of the matter is that not just you, but every guy has this issue.
I have realized that if you feel as if your view on what her morality or meaning on sex was, has now changed, based on what you learn about her past, is NOT true. Basing sex with her on how many people she has slept with is like basing it on a number. Its as if saying that the meaning of sex is a number when it isn't. Sex is the present, it is how she feels about you right now and not how she was in her past with someone else. The past unfortunately cannot be changed and it is only natural to feel anxiety and torture.
This was the issue I was having with my girl. I felt like I was more pure than she was and that she didn't value sex as much as I did. This is not true because how she feels about me when we have sex is genuine and it really doesn't matter what she did in the past as she is a completely different person now, she is not who she used to be.
You also might have to keep in mind what YOU have done in the past. Maybe you weren't so good either. Even if you were a virgin when you met her then just keep in mind that if she had been a virgin, i highly doubt your sex life would be as great as it is now.
Coping with her past is difficult but can be done. Just keep in mind that it isn't the end of your relationship with her because if you two truly love eachother than the past doesn't really matter. Besides I am sure she is a completely different person with you and I am sure the thoughts she has about you are much more meaningful than the thoughts she has ever had with anyone else. You two should belong together.
Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): Although I totally understand your pain as a person, I am a WOMAN that has had the same horrible realization about my signifigant others at one time or another. Basically, I asked in depth and I got what I asked for from most of them. At times, I wished I HAD NOT gone there, but, to me, knowing was better than not having a clue. So I asked about prior relationships, got that info and then realized a person I would potentially love could not be "THAT GUY" who would do those things to other girls. After those relationships ended, not only due to the realization of the sordid past things, I realized that everyone has a past! At least SOME of the guys were honest about things that were not being told to me to earn 'points'. They were telling me the TRUTH. Truth means sooooo much more than LIES!
I even had to learn the sordid details of my 'new' husband when we were married for only 1 year! This man would NEVER do the things I found out he had done when he was married before . . . but I realized he was that guy! It took me a LONG TIME to process the fact that he was married before and had been having a long term affair WHILE he was married to his previous wife!! I WAS SOOOOO SHOCKED! HORRIFIED even - to believe my sweet new husband would have EVER done such a thing while he was still 'married'. It caused me a great deal of doubt in our new marriage/relations because - like I said - he was just NOT a person I ever thought capable of such a thing! Cheating on his wife to such an extent that he had to hide the fact he bought his 'girlfriend' a $400 bracelet???? WOW!! UNBELIEVABLE! We are still married, and are about to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary!
Do you know the simple reason? I decided to follow my heart and BELIEVE what I got from "US" when we were together. He treated me soooo very sweetly, he adored me he was honest! He showed me that he totally LOVED ME and not anyone else!! It hasn't been a gentle ride of marriage, but all marriages are a rollercoaster of highs and lows! You have to realize that people make mistakes when they didn't know you before - for whatever reason, you two have found each other and either make it last because there is something special and solid there that you haven't had with someone else, or LEAVE IT because your heart just 'isn't in it'.
DO NOT just pack up your stuff and leave because you have found out something about past things she experienced!! THIS IS NOT HER ANYMORE! She had different circumstances back then that lead her to make certain choices/mistakes. Certainly she would likely wish some of them back for a 'do over' but NO ONE can do that. If you leave her because you "can't deal with the TRUTH she told you" then, you probably are not in this relationship for the right reasons. EVERYONE has a past that they wish they could change in some way or the other.
GUYS who expect their girls, girlfriends, fiancees, wives to NOT have anything to mull over/regret are HIPPOCRATES!!! Why are you so insecure? She told you the TRUTH when you asked her and now you want to punish her for doing so? What a load of crap! Guys rule the world with their roles as men . . . they are supposed to be able to be with whomever, whenever, for whatever and doesn't matter how many, right? And then when women/girls have experienced a LITTLE bit of the same . . . you guys are HORRIFIED with the truths your woman tells you she has experienced! WHAT A BUNCH OF BS!!
Where are your balls? GUYS/MEN do this and have been doing this to us girls/women for DECADES . . . even having multiple wives in certain religions/societies. Why are you sooooo shocked to the point of wanting to END THINGS with someone you obviously have loved just because you asked the question and SHE TOLD YOU THE TRUTH!?
I have been married to the same man for 15 YEARS, even after I was upset at what he had done in his previous marriage. You know what made me trust him again? REALIZING HIS PAST WAS NOT HIS FUTURE WITH ME! Lots of differences in that past relationship that had NOTHING to do with ME and EVERYTHING to do with that bad relationship/marriage he was in BACK THEN - HIS PAST.
GET OVER YOURSELF- focus on what you truly feel about HER- move on because if you don't, you'll have the same troubles, insecurities, regrets as you are having NOW- but in future relationships!
If I had left my 'new' husband after I found about all his indescrecions . . . I would be divorced and wouldn't have my 3 beautiful children and very happy marriage that I have TODAY!
ADVICE . . . SOLID ADVICE . . . from a woman who had the SAME information and nasty images from his past in my mind. Don't let your OWN insecurities RUIN a great relationship that has honesty and openess. MANY relationships have nothing but deceit and self-serving ideals.
Best to you. Hope you read this and take it to heart.
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reader, naptown +, writes (20 May 2010):
Women like to say it is a double standard but it isn't. It is a different standard because men and women are different. Men are wired to want to have sex with anything they find attractive. Women want to have sex but they want it with somebody they really care about inside a meaningful relationship. If this weren't the case we would have all had over 100 sex partners before we got out of high school. So when a women has sex outside of a meaningful relationship it is victory for the guy and stain and tarnish on the women. That is why guys are happy if everyone knows about it(assuming she is attractive)and women not only don't want anyone to know about it but will even go out of her way to deny it.
So if women have a history of screwing around outside a meaningful relationship then guys don't respect them. And if that is the history of your girlfriend or spouse then it is very painful to know that there are a bunch of guys running around that don't respect the person you love, yourself included. This isn't about being insecure with yourself or thinking other guys might have had a bigger crank, that is nothing more than garbage spewed by women who has trashed their own value by whoring around and want to feel better about themselves. Same with the "just get over it" and "be happy you are the one who is with her now" junk. You will never her a virgin or somebody close to a virgin say that stuff. Only the gals that have cheapened themselves.
Guys want to be with a women that has self respect and if they are going to commit the rest of their life to a women they want it to be with someone special and they want to know when they are with them in an intimate fashion it is because there is something special about them and their relationship. Not just another guy who happened to be at the right place. Anything in life that is easily obtained has little value. That is a fact of life. It doesn't matter if we are talking raw materials or the choice of our mate. That is why gold cost a lot more than water. And that is why guys value virgins over whores. Once you get passed your teen years you won't find many virgins but you can find plenty of women that have and always had self respect. That is what all guys should look for and expect. Don't settle for some low self esteem type with no self respect. It is not your job to make your mate a restoration project. Let that be somebody elses problem.
This will tick off a lot of women reading this but rather than get pissed off go tell your daughters and nieces about this. The one thing that increases a women's value as much as anything is something they completely control. More than looks, brains and personality the one thing that will get a marriage proposal fastest from a quality guy is self respect at a minimum and virginity if at all possible.
As to the original poster, you will never get passed this. As others have mentioned the best you can hope for is just learning to deal with it. Mentally you will probably just have to retrain your brain from thinking sex is something special to just thinking of it as nothing more than a physical act. It sucks that it has to be that way but if you continue to think of it as something meaningful and special then you will always want to vomit at the thought of her throwing herself around to a bunch of guys in a meaningless fashion. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): To the poster of Jan of 2010. I know how you feel. For me everything was fine until I found some racy pictures of my wife and some past boyfriends. That really sucked because suddenly I was obsessed with images of what they did and my mind of course added to these the most vile and perverse scenarios that I couldn't eat, sleep or even concentrate on anything for a solid month. This was about a year ago. I am trying to get over it myself but I am to the point where I think I may need to seek professional help. Maybe medications. My wife's past was not that bad in comparison to many of the other posters on these threads, but what made it so hard was finding those pictures. So when I picked them up on the back was some writing from my wife that said how much she liked "so and so" and about their first romantic night together. This was like kicking me when I was down. Before these pictures, I only knew she was not a virgin and that she had a few before me. I was less experienced since I seem to prefer long term relationships but after I told her that I accidently found these, she got pissed off and said she didn't know they were there! I wish she had thrown them away before. I wondered if her last boyfriend saw them and maybe that is why he cheated on her. She had a few one night stands and was even raped. I then felt angry that someone would take advantage or even rape the woman that I love so much. She says it was her self esteem but now it's mine that is causing this retroactive jeolosy. I have good days and bad days. Some days are in between. I will think about this at least once a day. Most of the time if I am busy with work I can push these thoughts out of my head. Other times I lose control of my mind and it takes over. I can't sleep when that happens.
Oh I forgot to mention that I met some of these guys which really sucks because I know they live across town. I live in a larger city but still, you worry about her bumping in to them and what an awkward situation that would be for me. I know some of you will say I am pathetic and that I don't love her. But that is not true. After my attempt to discuss these pics with her became and argument. I learned quickly to not mention it again and just deal with the pain inside of me at all costs. I love my wife and my kids. I also appreciate what she does for my family and she is a great wife. Why did this have to happen to me. Life is already stressful enough in this economy and I had enough to worry about. I think it's a self esteem problem.
Thanks and sorry for the long post.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): Hi DudeI can understand how you feel. Unfortunately most people will tell you nice things like "past is in the past" or "her past made her the person she is today" and others will simply acknowledge to you that you won't be able to solve this problem and will always feel in pain. The problem with all these advices is that they do not give you anything you can DO ABOUT IT and they dont tell you what you can do to get over it or feel better. Let me tell you I have a LOT of experience with this feeling and I found something that works. The girl I am with for the last 3.5 years is now 26, when we met she told me a bit about her past that she had 3 boyfriends for about a year each and other than this was involved with quite a few as one night stands. When I asked how many she initially said like 10 then with time the number grew to be like 20, and I was quite shocked, it hurted me to think about this as she is so beautiful and seems so innocent. But she was so good and experienced with sex that I started to wonder if that was the whole story. Let me tell you dude what I have discovered... Over time as our relationship grew and we became madly in love she slowly started to open up and reveal more and more about her past. Then one day I understood from her that she used to work as an escort for 2 years, as she needed money to live. I have been asking about how much money she needed per month and slowly figured out that in order to live she needed to have sex with 3-4 men per week or like 12-15 per month. Overall, in the course of 2 years this is like 300 men...Now imagine being in that situation my friend. You see - THIS is really hard... Over time I have heard more and more details about it. Because I have asked and not because she gave this information to me. She does not seem to have an issue with it and she does not seem to carry any open wounds in her soul, she just views it as something that happend to her in her life due to very bad choices and bad influence of friends and she is extremely sorry that it happend but it did. Now I want to tell you about being jealouse and how to deal with it. As you can understand I was in a bit more serious situation with this than you are Dude. Can you imagine the woman you love with 300 men, can you imagine what men ask a women to do for money and she has to do it, these are the rules of the game when they are alone and take the cloth off...Now I want to tell you what I found that works. But first you have to know that you love her and really want her. If you do - read on. I can tell you that the pain is real and that there is not a day that I am not thinking about it. She even told me some of the worst moments of her life in this business, what men asked to do and sometimes situations that have torn my heart when I imagined them, I will give you an example Dude so you will understand the level of pain that you CAN DEAL WITH if you follow my advice - she told me once that when she entered the room she always explained to men what she does and what are the limits. Her limits were no anal, and oral sex with protection. However this is a dangerous life and when a women is a lone with a man in the room engaged in sex things can happen. So one time she tells me that a mexican guy forced her to do oral without protection and came in her mouth and on her face while holding her hair and she chocked and vomitted. I am giving you this graphic example so that you will understand that even after hearing something like this, YOU CAN STILL WIN IF YOU WONT and you can still love your woman and you CAN AND WILL BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT but you have to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT and not just trap yourself into these thoughts. I wont to give you a specific technique to practice. But I wont to start by telling you that the key word to remember all the time is COMPASSION. This is the sentiment you need to develop my friend, turn yourself from a mode of judging her and thinking that you own her or have the right to own her, to see her as a human being that it now with you and that is beautiful and worth your love. Now here is what I did and what will work - whenever these images come to your mind, you need to practice a SWITHCHING technique which is like this - you EXCHANGE a bad thought for a good one. Throw the bad imaginations and bring up something good - do this as a mental task right at that moment, when the painful memory comes up. Yopu need to swithc it to something good about her and about you two, something thAT YOU really like about her, but focus on feelings not on sexual acts between you as this will only hurt more, focus on why you love her, the kind of person she is, and think about this word : think : I have COMPASSION. She is now with you and trusted you enough to tell you about what she did, and now think that her heart is in your hands, with no defenses, you can chose what to do. You will see soemthing interesting happening, in the beginning it will be difficult, the switch won't work easily and you will get trapped in that thought or memory and it will hurt a lot, but whenever you WILL make the switch work, the pain will go away and more importatly, you WILL FEEL GOOD about YOURSELF every time that you do this "switch", successfully turning a bad thought into a good one, transforming a moment of pain into a moment of hope. The good thing about this technique is that it gives you something TO DO ABOUT IT and almost a specific task to practice and improve with time. I don't remember when and how this came to me, but since I started to practice it I felt stronger. It is in fact a simple concept - whenever you think about the bad and painful thing, immediateluy in a deliberate act - change to think about the good thing, and tell yourself literally in your head you have to say it - "I feel compassion for this woman, I love her, I wont think about this now, I will think about how beautiful she is and how much she loves me and trusts me" and you bring up a metal image of the best moments and things that you like in her. Simply do it. This makes you stronger my friend. You will see that with time and practice, this will help you overcome these moments and shorten them and have less and less of them. There will always be situations and moments when this can come back but with this technique you have SOMETHING TO DO ABOUT IT. The power of positive thinking - is that it can actually change things, and you will feel really better about YOURSELF that you can do it, every time that you do it and succeed you will feel good. Worth a try Dude, believe me was amd still am dealing with this in a much tougher situation than you are. It make it better. Good luck and don't give up, this should not ruin your life. Have compassion and think good and good things will happen !!!
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reader, repto +, writes (25 December 2009):
To the original poster,
I'm in the same situation as you. Been with my gf for 8 months now. This being a problem we both have, I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me how your relationship has been going with this issue. Are your feelings under control? Are you happy in the relationship?
Appreciate it very much!
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reader, AzzTeejay  +, writes (1 September 2009):
I have been suffering for 3 years since i found out my girlfriends past.There is no way to stop these feelings, its only natural.Dont listen to women who say get over it, because they will never understand no matter how well you explain it to them.If they felt for even a day what we feel from the moment we wake up, to the moment we go to bed, then even in our dreams, they would of wished they never did these things.Sex is what we use to express our heart, and if our sex has been given to strangers, or many men, it looses that meaning. Plus it puts up a trillion comparisons which is not fair for us to deal with.I love my girlfriend so much, more than anything, she's even my first lover, i would kill and die for her, but its coming to the point that when the contract of our house ends, im moving out and leaving.Becuase i cant deal with this anymore. Its ruined my life.I failed my dream university course because i couldnt focus due to the pain, im not fit to work because i get so depressed. I've spent all my money on various things, only recently i realized it was to keep my mind off this agony.I've lost everything.So im leaving, it will be the hardest thing to do of my life.I would of married her and had children if it wasn't for this but i just cant do it. I refuse to be one of the married men who are stuck in this nightmare.Life and love are made to make you happy, not sad. If your sad, what is the fu***ng point ?
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reader, ahempayattention +, writes (28 July 2009):
Just curious: since when is sex "everything a woman has to offer"?? Is sex the only thing you wanted from her? Obviously not. So why is her sexual history enough, Mistyisle, to drive that big of a wedge in between you? Don't buy into the thought that women who have had many sexual partners are somehow flawed or worse off than women who are virgins.And even if an extensive or sordid sexual history IS damaging to a person, you're someone who loves her, or someone who claims to anyway. Why wouldn't you see her as someone who needs you even more??If you honestly imagine someone having sex with your wife when she opens up (and rightfully so, for those of you whose wives have been reluctant with the truth...if this is your reaction, then you're treating her no differently than the rest of the WORLD) and tells you the truth, then that's an issue in your head. Its like a woman thinking a guy is somehow defective because he's NEVER had sex with a woman in the past. That's who they WERE...not who they'll become.Have ANY of you ever once stopped to think about the fact that maybe SHE wishes that wasn't her? Do you think she wouldn't rather have only been with you if she could go back and change that now? Do you really feel the need to continue with these mentalities when you know it causes massive pain to both you, AND your wives??I guess "for better or worse" are just words. Acceptance. That's what I wish to everyone reading this. Every single one of us has a reason to hang our heads in shame, and the last place any of us should be doing that is in our marriage beds, for ANY reason, whether it be because we lied about our past, or because someone gave/continues to give us a reason to want to.Don't lie about your past, and don't ask others about theirs. Whatever Power heals you...when you see someone in pain, ESPECIALLY someone you love, pray that they heal them, too. Instead of judging...look for a chance to heal. See her past as evidence that she needs you even more, and realize that that there are negative negative forces in this world that WANT you to mistreat your wife and live in misery. Realize that those thoughts have nothing to do with your wife now, or why you fell in love with her, other than serving as a force that would love to see you apart and miserable. Realize that your thoughts...your actions...your words...and the way you treat others is ALL a choice.Good luck to all. Love and acceptance and freedom from pain to all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): For men with jealous problems.. please read the link below, and follow all the other links that have been given. These guys have found a solution to their problems and maybe it might help you as well.. good luck... Blessings..
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/her-elusive-sordid-past-is-making-me-insecure.html
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reader, Mistyisle +, writes (18 October 2008):
I am also in exactly this predicament. I was a virgin when I met my wife and I knew then that she had at least two former lovers but I blocked out that discomfort because she made me feel so good when we were together. Later however, bit by bit, the real truth came out, that she had many one night stands, that she had become pregnant through casual sex and had an abortion, that she had slept with a number of people that I knew although she had never had deep feelings for them. I hated running into men that I knew she had sex with, but perhaps even worse was wondering how many other men I knew had had her. So I have these demons running around in my head, making me visualise her having sex with these men, goading me that she has refused sex with me many times but was obviously gagging for it with dozens of guys before me, asking me how could sex be special with me when she has given everything she had to offer to complete strangers. I don't know the answer to dealing with this problem. All I know is that the obsessive periods become less frequent with time but not less painful. They are usually triggered by meeting with or talking about people from our mutual past who she had sex with or might have had sex with. I have virtually cut myself off from my past, moved away to a different part of the country, tried to focus more on the two children we have had.
Her attitude is not helpful to me; no regrets just that was the past and what I did then but I have changed and how can the past affect the present. That may be typical of many women and it would be fine if I had previous sexual partners too then we would be equals. The thing that rankles is that I saved myself for her and wanted my first time to be really special whereas for her, our first time was just another "bonk" and could never be special because she had done it so many times before, drunk and sober with other men. We never talk about this topic any more, it has become taboo, so I am destined, like you and many others, to deal with it on my own until I die. I wish you good luck but can't really offer anything more helpful, just that I am sorry for your situation.
Best wishes
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): Hey man, I know exactly how ya feel. It led to me posting something similar on this website. All I can tell you is it WILL bother you. And even if you break up with her, it will STILL bother you as you think of who she's with and how jealous you are of her. But you know what I've learned? I have had sex with some beautiful, wonderful women, but I didn't love them. So it really didn't mean very much (Ive slept with some not-so-beautiful ones too though!). Sure it's a notch on your bedpost but the best sex Iv'e had has been with someone I truly loved, otherwise it was no different to shaking hands with someone really (well maybe a little different). And you only really ever LOVE a few people, maybe only one ever in your lifetime, and theyre definitely worth holding on for. Jealousy is natural, if you didn't care about her you wouldn't feel it, and the jealousy your feeling is motivated by testosterone and male competitiveness. So if you follow that track, all you have to say is 'I am the best shag she has ever or could ever possibly have, and all those other guys were mere children compared to me. I am the REAL man.' Your'e going to be having alot more sex with her than anyone else (hopefully! I hope ya do man!) so don't let someone else spoil it. Are you jealous of everyone whose ever said a kind word to her or kissed or been tender with her? You can't be because they don't matter anymore. You do. All you need to ask yourself is 'do I really love this woman?' If the answer is yes, and you still feel jealous just say to yourself what I told you 'I am the best shag she will ever have. I am the man' Hope that helps a little.
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reader, KC3236S +, writes (19 August 2008):
As guys we put too much emphasis on sex. To help with your visions concede the fact that all her past partners were as good as you and she reacted the same as with you. Then realize that there is more to a partner, and you are the total package, giving her all the other things are truly more important to a woman then sex. To sit and ponder what they did to her and what they had compared to you, etc., is the root reason why this continues to dwell in guys minds.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): I'd like to know, too
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): i am in the same situation and the only thing i look forward to is death, thank God that this life is not permanent. I am thankful to God for every thing. If this thing wasn’t there, there would have been something else. I think you are lucky to some extend that this is your wife’s past and not present. If i were an angel and told you that you gonna live for five more years, your view about your wife past will change and you might say so what. There is always something to look forward to in life and i look forward to death. Its not a bad thing, this is the way i distract myself from her past. May be this happened with me because i went too far away from Islam. My wife is innocent, she doesn’t deserve to see me like this (discussing it, is out of question, you know the conclusion) and i don’t want her to see me suffer and thats why i never tell her about my emotion. My bro, this is a game of patience and control and you'll see the reward after life, so pray five time and know who created you, dont be angry with the way thing are going in your life. I have seen God in my downfalls. You should understand why is this happening to you and how you gonna coup with it, believe it or not, this is for the best. So make the best out of it and no one can help you. May allah bring mercy on your soul and mine. Life can be very tuff if you wanna make it tuff for your self.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): If there's a silver lining to your problem (and I believe there is) it's that you & your wife probably have a healthy perspective of sex. I say this because your wife's past bothers both of you. If you saw sex simply as a recreational activity, it wouldn't bother you. But you see sex as a far more meaningful act. Sex is a sacred act designed to be shared between a husband and wife. Far too often in our culture sex is cheapened by using it for purposes other than what I've stated above. Because of that many people, young and old, have been tricked into engaging in sexual activities when they shouldn't have. There are many reasons for this...far more than I can go into here.
To get back to your question of how to cope and deal with the situation you're facing. I offer the following: 1) The pain you're feeling will never "go away" entirely; as I stated before because you love your wife dearly and view sex as very important, your feelings will always exist to some degree 2) The pain you're feeling does decrease significantly. As you and your wife spend more of your lives together, you begin to realize even more how much she means to you and that the past (although sometimes painful to think about) grows further and further distant every day. 3) I don't know if you're a religous person, but praying and asking God's for help is necessary. 4) I think the idea to not talk to your wife about it anymore can (and probably is) a good idea, but I wouldn't entirely keep things from her if they really bother you. It won't help either of you. What I would suggest is asking her to help you understand things (i.e., it will be extremely frustrating to her for to be upset about something she can't do anything about, but asking her about specific things geared towards you're healing can be helpful.) 5) Develop an understanding of your wife's past relationships and why she did the things she did. Some women (especially younger women) view sex as a way to "gain love" or acceptance with a boyfriend. While this view is flawed, it can help you understand her past and hopefully, move beyond its shadow. 6) Understand that chances are, your wife views sex as completely different, better, more special, etc. than what she ever shared with anyone else.
Anyway, that's my two cents worth. Just remember that generally speaking, without pain there is no true growth. I believe you are way ahead of a lot of other people because you're facing this issue head on and handling it maturely. Best of luck to you and your wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): Look at the end of the day you like sex right? Well it is exactly the same thing as a woman. They like sex too. It is human nature.
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reader, tgdonlin +, writes (8 October 2006):
Well, it is nice to know that I am not alone and NOT insane. My ex had many, somewhere in the 20-30 range of sex partners before me. Until recently, she was my only one. I resented that she had been with these guys but learned no, frigidity and frumpiness with me. Wonderful!! When we split up last summer (2005), I told her how angry I got when I heard no because she hadn't seemed to tell anyone else no. Her response was, "I didn't know I was supposed to be sexual". Huh? I don't have any magic answers but wish I did. I would tell anyone that is dealing with this, that if they are not married to this individual, and it bothers them, to get away from them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006): If you truly love her than her past sexual history should be no concern of yours. You need some serious counceling on how to deal with the issue you have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): The girl I am seeing was married... Then swinging,and involved in sex with women as well as men and interracially.also group sex, double penetrations etc... then in a polyamorous relationship for several years.
All told, a couple of dozen people....
After that,before I met her, she slept with a person I already knew. Plus several others she introduced as 'friends'
She is a wonderful and faithful person who while she feels a lot of disgust at her own past, feels it is what shaped her to be the person she is now.
She ended up with several STI's... She cries a lot.
It hurts me a lot to see her pain...
It hurts me a lot to run into people who have had sex with her...
There's no way to get around it...
It will haunt you...
When she does something with you, it will always make you wonder how she did it with this person, or that one...
I am confident in my sexuality but it strains it a lot for me to confront my feelings about it.
What really irritates me, is that she is not that good in bed, her sex technique is so plain, and automatic, it can turn me off...
I'm slowly teaching her to be a better lover... so at least there is the consolation that she will be bette with me, than she was with all the others...
So my final statement is YOU THINK YOU GOT PROBLEMS???
Try living in my world....
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): I am also paranoid about something a bit similar, about hygiene and cleanliness, I'm a bit too young and I wish women all smelled of mint and salmon all the time. It's a bit of a strange and immature thing perhaps. To be honest it's just part of bedroom etiquette. some girls do need to know more about hygiene, but on the whole the situation is good.
Everyone has to cope with wondering what girls have been up to, especially in cities, have a look at how people express themselves, sometimes you see what they think and it seems to be something most people cope with very normally. It's a very human/practical thing to have to cope with.
If it has been more than a few months since the last relationship, you should understand that it's pretty much old news.
Also realised that you are being paranoid and over exaggerating things and imagining things in your mind that are your fears, the practical reality of her past sexual history is probably a lot less sordid and a lot more happy and simple than your imagination. eventually when you do get over it, you will think to yourself that you can't change women and that it's not really any problem anyway.
Have a talk to a good friend about it, or some good source of advice, someone that can reassure you can give you a normal point of view.
If it is something to do with Fidelity, you probably have to give yourself some time out one way or another, until you are on your own territory again. If it is really bad, perhaps record one of your bouts of sordid imagination into an MP3 recorder and listen to it later to get it out.
Try to feel a bit feng shui?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2006): Many people have emotional issues about their spouse's past sexual history/partners. Some are objective and can just let it go. Other's cannot and I understand. It's a tough road to travel. This is all about fears, hun. You have begun to obsess about this and it could sink your marriage. When people start to obsess about their partner's sexual history, more often than not, the obsession is not actually about their partners. It's about their own fears of not being attractive enough or sexually adequate. Then they become insecure and angry. Fears about themselves are 'projected' onto their partners because it is difficult to directly recognize their own fears. No one on this website is qualified to advice you on any self-help approach to helping you overcome this. You need a clinical psychologist to help you with these anxieties and this destructive thinking. Start with your family doctor and get some referrals. I think it makes sense for you to discover what an "obsession" is really about and what emotionally damaging function it's serving in your life and what you can do about it. You are a brave soul to battle this on your own so far, but it's time to seek counselling. Writing in to this website, shows you are motivated to make positive changes to your love relationship with your wife and you are committed to keeping your marriage intact and strong. I respect that. Good luck and persevere, hun
Hugs, Irish
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2006): I dunno what could help you. I experienced the same thing with my ex-bf. He left me once. When he came back, he told me what he did with his previous gf. I feel hurt to hear that even i still love him. But we aren't marry or anything, so i have to choice to live with it or move on with the other one. So, i choose to move on with another guy because i know i can never get over it. I just think that is sick to bang his friend's gf in the toilet when his friend is unaware of that inside the restaurant. It really affect how i think about him after all. I just can't accept this kind of past. But the best solution is, talk to your wife about that. If she cares, she will comfort you. You have to bear this in mind, everyone has a past, if it is acceptable to accept it and you love her. You have to look forward and move on with her because that's the one you love, forgiveness is important in this case.
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reader, IVT +, writes (25 January 2006):
I know exactly how you feel. I made the mistake about asking about my boyfriend's past, and I know what it can feel like to suddenly have the image of your partner and someone else being intimate pop into your head. There's no way to make it go away, but in a way, it reassures me to think that I'm jealous of him being with other people, as it reassures me of my feelings for him! (see my question - I doubt my feelings for him!!) Don't let them take over though. I know it's easier said than done, but you just have to try and think of something else, and eventually it'll ease. She's with you now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2006): I feel your pain my friend, I have the same problem and I am looking for the same answers. I have a wife that like to get our past out and in the open so not to have any skeletons in the closet. I actually have less to deal with than she does. we are in our fourties and remarried. she was married 15 years, I was 20. we both have children. I did all of my things before marriage, she saved her virginity for her husband. I applauded such distainment especially knowing how sexual she is now. she had a 2 month sexual relationship with someone after her divorce and dated a bunch of men and ended up with a guy for 3 years that thought she would marry before we got together. I came into this relationship with my past way out of my memory. I really dont think of those things at all. but she does, and for the sake of being honest with each other we went dont a path I wish that never happened. she remembers things in such detail. like a video tape in her mind she said. I can barely remember. this has upset her because when she asks me, I dont remember much so I dont get too specific . I just dont give those past relationships any thought anymore, these things happened when I was a teenager. she gives me too many details that to me are insencitive. now I have some graffic thoughts and what we call triggers that make us think about these things. we have got to the point now where she is stuggling more than me with these thoughts. but she still insists that she deals better with knowing something then congering up things that I may have done or never have happened. I have now told her these diclosures work for her mind but not mine and have requested not to talk about it anymore. I have enough to deal with and it sucks. we love each other so much and have a great life together but these thoughts can really hurt like a knife. My friend there are many people out there with the same problems and I have tried to get advice on websites as you have and it helps but try to come from a positive point. think of all the positives in your life with her and displace the bad thoughts with good ones, shes not proud of her past. shes not comparing you to them, she is with you because your who she loves. we have to get in our mind that woman can have a sexual past and get off with other people like just as we do. we have been conditioned though life that woman who do these things are sluts. I know its hard to think of her with other men as she is with you now. we are adults and these feelings are normal. now we both struggle with this issue every day and we hate it. but whats better, letting these things destroy a great relationship or working it out and letting time heal the wounds of the past. I hope that you know there are so many people with the same struggles and there are alot worse relationship problems than yours that it helps you with your healing process. goodluck my friend.
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reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx +, writes (25 January 2006):
 I would just like to say I know exactly how you feel. I am in completely the same position as you. My boyfriend has had so many sexual partners and I have this silly idea that asking about details will make it easier, when in fact, it just makes it worse. Everyone always tells me I'm being stupid and to get over it but they don't understand, do they? What it feels like to picture the one you love with someone else, it just makes you sick.
I don't think I'll ever get over this. I've tried to stop thinking about it and, in a way, I'm glad I've found out now from him than later from someone else. At least they're being honest, right? I think this may just be our possessive, jealous and insecure personalities. I don't mean that to sound rude, but that's what I think about myself anyway.
Maybe you could seek some professional help. I want to but just haven't got the money right now. I think it will probably end up ruining every relationship I ever have until I do get help so if you have the means to do so, I would strongly advise it.
I hope this has helped, I know there's no real answer here, if I had one, I would have got over it myself!!! But I hope it helped to hear from someone who is in your boat. Good luck
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 January 2006):
 I'm afraid you are going to need to seek professional help on this one. You will be able to figure out just why this is bugging you so badly. It could be a self-esteem problem or it could something all together different. For the sake of your marriage you need to get this off your mind. Make an appointment today.
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