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male
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anonymous
writes: How do I get over my wife's sexual history? Please be specific. I don't need any comments stating to "just get over it," or the "past is the past." I'm well aware of these things, but I just can't. I made the mistake of asking about her past, and details, and these visions haunt me. I know how awful it makes her feel so I've committed to never talking to her about it again. But I need help dealing my own emotions. Has anyone else had this problem, and managed on their own to make them stop. Please help, this is serious problem, and I don't know how to stop the demons in my head.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): I'd like to know, too
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): i am in the same situation and the only thing i look forward to is death, thank God that this life is not permanent. I am thankful to God for every thing. If this thing wasn’t there, there would have been something else. I think you are lucky to some extend that this is your wife’s past and not present. If i were an angel and told you that you gonna live for five more years, your view about your wife past will change and you might say so what. There is always something to look forward to in life and i look forward to death. Its not a bad thing, this is the way i distract myself from her past. May be this happened with me because i went too far away from Islam. My wife is innocent, she doesn’t deserve to see me like this (discussing it, is out of question, you know the conclusion) and i don’t want her to see me suffer and thats why i never tell her about my emotion. My bro, this is a game of patience and control and you'll see the reward after life, so pray five time and know who created you, dont be angry with the way thing are going in your life. I have seen God in my downfalls. You should understand why is this happening to you and how you gonna coup with it, believe it or not, this is for the best. So make the best out of it and no one can help you. May allah bring mercy on your soul and mine. Life can be very tuff if you wanna make it tuff for your self.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): If there's a silver lining to your problem (and I believe there is) it's that you & your wife probably have a healthy perspective of sex. I say this because your wife's past bothers both of you. If you saw sex simply as a recreational activity, it wouldn't bother you. But you see sex as a far more meaningful act. Sex is a sacred act designed to be shared between a husband and wife. Far too often in our culture sex is cheapened by using it for purposes other than what I've stated above. Because of that many people, young and old, have been tricked into engaging in sexual activities when they shouldn't have. There are many reasons for this...far more than I can go into here.
To get back to your question of how to cope and deal with the situation you're facing. I offer the following: 1) The pain you're feeling will never "go away" entirely; as I stated before because you love your wife dearly and view sex as very important, your feelings will always exist to some degree 2) The pain you're feeling does decrease significantly. As you and your wife spend more of your lives together, you begin to realize even more how much she means to you and that the past (although sometimes painful to think about) grows further and further distant every day. 3) I don't know if you're a religous person, but praying and asking God's for help is necessary. 4) I think the idea to not talk to your wife about it anymore can (and probably is) a good idea, but I wouldn't entirely keep things from her if they really bother you. It won't help either of you. What I would suggest is asking her to help you understand things (i.e., it will be extremely frustrating to her for to be upset about something she can't do anything about, but asking her about specific things geared towards you're healing can be helpful.) 5) Develop an understanding of your wife's past relationships and why she did the things she did. Some women (especially younger women) view sex as a way to "gain love" or acceptance with a boyfriend. While this view is flawed, it can help you understand her past and hopefully, move beyond its shadow. 6) Understand that chances are, your wife views sex as completely different, better, more special, etc. than what she ever shared with anyone else.
Anyway, that's my two cents worth. Just remember that generally speaking, without pain there is no true growth. I believe you are way ahead of a lot of other people because you're facing this issue head on and handling it maturely. Best of luck to you and your wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): Look at the end of the day you like sex right? Well it is exactly the same thing as a woman. They like sex too. It is human nature.
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reader, tgdonlin +, writes (8 October 2006):
Well, it is nice to know that I am not alone and NOT insane. My ex had many, somewhere in the 20-30 range of sex partners before me. Until recently, she was my only one. I resented that she had been with these guys but learned no, frigidity and frumpiness with me. Wonderful!! When we split up last summer (2005), I told her how angry I got when I heard no because she hadn't seemed to tell anyone else no. Her response was, "I didn't know I was supposed to be sexual". Huh? I don't have any magic answers but wish I did. I would tell anyone that is dealing with this, that if they are not married to this individual, and it bothers them, to get away from them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006): If you truly love her than her past sexual history should be no concern of yours. You need some serious counceling on how to deal with the issue you have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): The girl I am seeing was married... Then swinging,and involved in sex with women as well as men and interracially.also group sex, double penetrations etc... then in a polyamorous relationship for several years.
All told, a couple of dozen people....
After that,before I met her, she slept with a person I already knew. Plus several others she introduced as 'friends'
She is a wonderful and faithful person who while she feels a lot of disgust at her own past, feels it is what shaped her to be the person she is now.
She ended up with several STI's... She cries a lot.
It hurts me a lot to see her pain...
It hurts me a lot to run into people who have had sex with her...
There's no way to get around it...
It will haunt you...
When she does something with you, it will always make you wonder how she did it with this person, or that one...
I am confident in my sexuality but it strains it a lot for me to confront my feelings about it.
What really irritates me, is that she is not that good in bed, her sex technique is so plain, and automatic, it can turn me off...
I'm slowly teaching her to be a better lover... so at least there is the consolation that she will be bette with me, than she was with all the others...
So my final statement is YOU THINK YOU GOT PROBLEMS???
Try living in my world....
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): I am also paranoid about something a bit similar, about hygiene and cleanliness, I'm a bit too young and I wish women all smelled of mint and salmon all the time. It's a bit of a strange and immature thing perhaps. To be honest it's just part of bedroom etiquette. some girls do need to know more about hygiene, but on the whole the situation is good.
Everyone has to cope with wondering what girls have been up to, especially in cities, have a look at how people express themselves, sometimes you see what they think and it seems to be something most people cope with very normally. It's a very human/practical thing to have to cope with.
If it has been more than a few months since the last relationship, you should understand that it's pretty much old news.
Also realised that you are being paranoid and over exaggerating things and imagining things in your mind that are your fears, the practical reality of her past sexual history is probably a lot less sordid and a lot more happy and simple than your imagination. eventually when you do get over it, you will think to yourself that you can't change women and that it's not really any problem anyway.
Have a talk to a good friend about it, or some good source of advice, someone that can reassure you can give you a normal point of view.
If it is something to do with Fidelity, you probably have to give yourself some time out one way or another, until you are on your own territory again. If it is really bad, perhaps record one of your bouts of sordid imagination into an MP3 recorder and listen to it later to get it out.
Try to feel a bit feng shui?
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reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (25 January 2006):
 Many people have emotional issues about their spouse's past sexual history/partners. Some are objective and can just let it go. Other's cannot and I understand. It's a tough road to travel. This is all about fears, hun. You have begun to obsess about this and it could sink your marriage. When people start to obsess about their partner's sexual history, more often than not, the obsession is not actually about their partners. It's about their own fears of not being attractive enough or sexually adequate. Then they become insecure and angry. Fears about themselves are 'projected' onto their partners because it is difficult to directly recognize their own fears. No one on this website is qualified to advice you on any self-help approach to helping you overcome this. You need a clinical psychologist to help you with these anxieties and this destructive thinking. Start with your family doctor and get some referrals. I think it makes sense for you to discover what an "obsession" is really about and what emotionally damaging function it's serving in your life and what you can do about it. You are a brave soul to battle this on your own so far, but it's time to seek counselling. Writing in to this website, shows you are motivated to make positive changes to your love relationship with your wife and you are committed to keeping your marriage intact and strong. I respect that. Good luck and persevere, hun
Hugs, Irish
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2006): I dunno what could help you. I experienced the same thing with my ex-bf. He left me once. When he came back, he told me what he did with his previous gf. I feel hurt to hear that even i still love him. But we aren't marry or anything, so i have to choice to live with it or move on with the other one. So, i choose to move on with another guy because i know i can never get over it. I just think that is sick to bang his friend's gf in the toilet when his friend is unaware of that inside the restaurant. It really affect how i think about him after all. I just can't accept this kind of past. But the best solution is, talk to your wife about that. If she cares, she will comfort you. You have to bear this in mind, everyone has a past, if it is acceptable to accept it and you love her. You have to look forward and move on with her because that's the one you love, forgiveness is important in this case.
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reader, IVT +, writes (25 January 2006):
I know exactly how you feel. I made the mistake about asking about my boyfriend's past, and I know what it can feel like to suddenly have the image of your partner and someone else being intimate pop into your head. There's no way to make it go away, but in a way, it reassures me to think that I'm jealous of him being with other people, as it reassures me of my feelings for him! (see my question - I doubt my feelings for him!!) Don't let them take over though. I know it's easier said than done, but you just have to try and think of something else, and eventually it'll ease. She's with you now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2006): I feel your pain my friend, I have the same problem and I am looking for the same answers. I have a wife that like to get our past out and in the open so not to have any skeletons in the closet. I actually have less to deal with than she does. we are in our fourties and remarried. she was married 15 years, I was 20. we both have children. I did all of my things before marriage, she saved her virginity for her husband. I applauded such distainment especially knowing how sexual she is now. she had a 2 month sexual relationship with someone after her divorce and dated a bunch of men and ended up with a guy for 3 years that thought she would marry before we got together. I came into this relationship with my past way out of my memory. I really dont think of those things at all. but she does, and for the sake of being honest with each other we went dont a path I wish that never happened. she remembers things in such detail. like a video tape in her mind she said. I can barely remember. this has upset her because when she asks me, I dont remember much so I dont get too specific . I just dont give those past relationships any thought anymore, these things happened when I was a teenager. she gives me too many details that to me are insencitive. now I have some graffic thoughts and what we call triggers that make us think about these things. we have got to the point now where she is stuggling more than me with these thoughts. but she still insists that she deals better with knowing something then congering up things that I may have done or never have happened. I have now told her these diclosures work for her mind but not mine and have requested not to talk about it anymore. I have enough to deal with and it sucks. we love each other so much and have a great life together but these thoughts can really hurt like a knife. My friend there are many people out there with the same problems and I have tried to get advice on websites as you have and it helps but try to come from a positive point. think of all the positives in your life with her and displace the bad thoughts with good ones, shes not proud of her past. shes not comparing you to them, she is with you because your who she loves. we have to get in our mind that woman can have a sexual past and get off with other people like just as we do. we have been conditioned though life that woman who do these things are sluts. I know its hard to think of her with other men as she is with you now. we are adults and these feelings are normal. now we both struggle with this issue every day and we hate it. but whats better, letting these things destroy a great relationship or working it out and letting time heal the wounds of the past. I hope that you know there are so many people with the same struggles and there are alot worse relationship problems than yours that it helps you with your healing process. goodluck my friend.
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reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (25 January 2006):
 I would just like to say I know exactly how you feel. I am in completely the same position as you. My boyfriend has had so many sexual partners and I have this silly idea that asking about details will make it easier, when in fact, it just makes it worse. Everyone always tells me I'm being stupid and to get over it but they don't understand, do they? What it feels like to picture the one you love with someone else, it just makes you sick.
I don't think I'll ever get over this. I've tried to stop thinking about it and, in a way, I'm glad I've found out now from him than later from someone else. At least they're being honest, right? I think this may just be our possessive, jealous and insecure personalities. I don't mean that to sound rude, but that's what I think about myself anyway.
Maybe you could seek some professional help. I want to but just haven't got the money right now. I think it will probably end up ruining every relationship I ever have until I do get help so if you have the means to do so, I would strongly advise it.
I hope this has helped, I know there's no real answer here, if I had one, I would have got over it myself!!! But I hope it helped to hear from someone who is in your boat. Good luck
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reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (25 January 2006):
 I'm afraid you are going to need to seek professional help on this one. You will be able to figure out just why this is bugging you so badly. It could be a self-esteem problem or it could something all together different. For the sake of your marriage you need to get this off your mind. Make an appointment today.
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