A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm new to the site, but have found this site several times in the past while looking for answers to problems.First, a bit of background. I have been with my girlfriend for 3 months now, and things have progressed very fast since then. We're very open about everything, and discuss any problems we have and always end up resolving them.About me: I'm 26, and had never had a serious relationship until I met my current girlfriend. I think this was due to me being scared to get close to anyone, and possibly having Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD). However, we got talking online as we have very similar interests and ambitions, and outlook on life.About my girlfriend: She is 2 years older, and has had several past relationships, all of which have ended badly, and have had a negative on her life. She has some depression and major trust issues after being cheated on, abandoned, emotionally manipulated, and has very low self-esteem to the point where she had been receiving relationship counselling up to a month ago. She also used to smoke a lot of pot, which she says has left her very paranoid some of the time.Our relationship is going so well, but it also has had major ups and downs, which usually starts when she feels she isn't good enough for me, takes something I say the wrong way, doubts how genuine I am, gets frustrated with my inexperience, or feels like something I do or say gives her a flashback to a bad experience from the past, and fears it will happen again. Her first response is to be very negative about our relationship and question if we are right for each other. This makes me feel like I can never give her what she wants, due to my own self-esteem issues, and then I close-off emotionally (due to the AvPD) which makes things worse, and we get into a very negative downward spiral. We both recognise exactly what it is that is happening, but at the time feel powerless to stop it. Everything is usually back to normal after a couple of days.Our current problem: One of her past boyfriends, who had been part of her life for 9 years ranging from on-off relationship, friends and collegues is going off to South Africa for 7 months tomorrow. This was the one who seems to have caused most of her misery over this time, and had been emotionally manipulative. He's also the reason she got the councelling. They hadn't seen each other for 6 months but he'd been in contact with her to see her before he left. She is happy that he is out of her life, but felt she should see him since she hoped they could remain on friendly terms and since they work in the same business, have shared professional links. She was also very worried he'd not moved on, and would bring up the past and make her feel worthless. But she felt after the councelling, she was strong enough to leave early if that happened. She asked me what I thought about it, and although was uncomfortable with it, I understood and wanted her to do what she believed was best. I didn't know the full details of her past (only brief details) until Thursday, when we talked about it all.The met on Wednesday, and exactly what she feared happened. She didn't leave when she felt things going badly, and ended up feeling lower than I've ever seen her. Now though, she's recovering, and believes that she did the right thing, as it's made her realise exactly what he's like and will never change, and feels closer to me because of it.I'm very accepting of her past, and want to make her happy so much, and would never do anything to hurt her. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of mentioning recently that I'd received an email from a girl (I'll refer to her as C) I'd travelled with 2 and a half years ago. We were only ever friends, and have stayed friends, contacting each other about once every 6 months to see how things are going. She asked if I ever saw C as more than just friends, and I said that initially I was attracted to her in that way, but realised she wasn't "The One" and just remained friends. She took this very badly, and got very jealous as we'd travelled in Africa together, the same places my girlfriend and I have been planning to go to next year. She doesn't believe that that is all it was, and is upset as up until then, she believed that she was the only one I had been interested in. I feel that this is totally unfair given how understanding I have been of her past, but she says that doesn't change how jealous and mistrustful she gets. She has even said tonight that I shouldn't have told her about C at all, as it's not had a positive effect on our relationship, and that she's having second thoughts on going to Africa with me, preferring to go somewhere else instead. She still wants to spend the rest of her life with me and travel with me, but just doesn't want to have any reminders about the girl I had this "shared experience" with. It hurts me that I now feel I can't be completely honest with her, in the same way that she is with me.My question is, how do I deal with this? She's very insecure, but I want to be totally honest and open with her, as that's the only way I feel I can be to be happy. Any advice from anyone how has experienced anything similar would be hugely appreciated.Thanks a lot for reading.
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male
reader, Ven  +, writes (17 October 2010):
Counseling. Regular couples counseling would be very good for both of you. You said that the problems come and go, and in order for you both to find and rise above the underlying problems, you need to hash them out as they are happening.
I'm sorry that I can't give you a quick internet answer to all of your problems. It really sounds like the two of you want to love each other unconditionally, and I believe counseling to be worth your time.
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