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female
age
,
anonymous
writes: . need advice for both of us allthough he does not know i've asked for help sorry this is so long.i recently posted a question regarding my husband befriending a 27 year old on on jan. 12 first of all thank you to those two who responded so far your in put and opinions are very helpful! i guess i feel that i might need to add to this question that i really do'nt think that my husband has had or is having an affair yet but i agree with eddie that he is in the middle of an emotional affair and feels so guilty for several reasons 1 being that this young woman is the same age as our daughter 2 that he would even entertain this thought and 3 he's married- i know woman are for the most part forgiving if they love someone and often are in denial i hear all the time "my husband wouldn't cheat on me" i am not a person that would say that but my husband is for the most part a very moral and caring man. i think what i'm trying to say is i think he is very flattered by the attention as eddie expressed and then on one hand he dislikes himself for being in this situation which after 30 years i have learned that your spouse or significant other has earned the title of sounding board along with many other titles and i think he is not sure how to deal with all of this so i am the one that is thinking goofy thoughts or reading something into nothing - or this is what he tells me. i do not see an end to this he has basicly told me i do not have the right to choose his friends and i agree but am i wrong when working so close or socializing with someone of the opposite sex has never been something we have done i explained that it is very difficult to understand and play a game when another person decides after 30 years the rules have changed and that is the way it is. am i wrong for not getting it? i dearly love this man he has been my rock my best friend my childrens dad well actually my world for 30 years and i'm so torn because i am not in asituation where i hate him or even her i'm just trying to process this my feelings are so jumbled and i'm so confused and to be honest with you i feel my emotional stability is slipping i had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago and ladies you and of couse gentlemen if you have experianced this yourselves of with your wife you know that at times it can get rocky with ups and downs with hormones and i've admitted and even blamed these fellings on hormones as well but i think my thoughts are so on target that i mey be hindering the benefits of the hormones because this situation has consumed my life and trying to picture me with out him is killing me - but the flip side is i think that this is so consuming i'm afraid of losing me as well!! i've recently had an argument with my husband regarding this that became physical and i must tell the truth i initiated the physical end of it because all he would say is were friends and your goofy for having those thoughts and i would not like his choice if i pushed him to make one after that altercation i entertained and actually executed the of attempting suicide why? this is not my fault i'm not involved with someone that makes him insecure nor would i do that to him i think much to much of him for that!! and i'm scared of what can happen to one or both of us if there is no resolve and again i'm sick to my stomach thinking that to save him and me that someone has to take the first step and leave before it's to late for ourselves our children our grandchildren my heart aches thinking he will not be there evryday i took my vows seriously i knew we'd hgave issues all married people do but i really thought i was living the american dream you know the one get married have kids work hard take care of your husband as abest as you can and your reward will be to live happily ever after i now know that this is not the case
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female
reader, shazzi +, writes (18 January 2007):
 Hi there dear friend,
My heart breaks for you knowing the turmoil you will be going through. Things will definetly get worse before they can get better. Communicate with your husband talk calmly and when you feel angry take deep breaths and breath yourself through.
It doesnt really matter if he is sleeping with this girl or not be has and is betraying you and everything you both have achieved together. Best friends confide in each other not third parties.
Can I tell you that Iain my ex husband was my life I fell madly in love with him when I was seventeen we married when I was nineteen and had five fab years together before our first child was born and I suffered a little from postnatal depression but soon recovered but realised that my life had changed forever I would have all the responsibility of raising the children while my husbands careers prospered.
We had our second child three years later all planned to perfection the perfect gentlemans family. I adored my husband and kids our lives seemed to get better and better nicer cars better homes etc. For the first time in years we were finally back on our feet and a work colleague tempted him away with no feeling or consequences to my children or me.
Its so hard, I have as I said before lived to tell the tale, too this day I still love my ex he is now engaged to her and we are probably going to divorce this year, but I have a new best friend in my life and he is my lover now, completely different to my ex and for the first time in about ten years I am laughing all the time and I adore him, he is wonderful.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, if you want your husband fight for him talk talk talk. Take counselling have a mediator sit with you both.
Its a long road but the best things in life are worth fighting for. Take care best of luck. x
A
female
reader, shazzi +, writes (14 January 2007):
I just want to say one thing in particular to you, never say never.
Honey be careful wake up and smell the coffee, I dont mean to sound hard but like you I was married to my husband for more than 15 years at the time we had an eight year old son and an eleven year old daughter.
We started very young with nothing he was my best friend and my lover, but one day he sent me a text to say that he no longer loved me and he had been having an affair with a work colleague.
Anyway cut a long story short, my whole world fell apart that was almost two years ago, and I can tell you I have lived to tell the tale.
You do get over losing your best friend but you will need plently of TLC and friends and you will slowly begin to move on.
Like you I blamed my hormones for my relationship ups and downs and put his bad moods down to stress with his high powered jobs but in my heart of hearts I know that it was directly down to the amount of attention my husband was not showing me and never complimenting me.
I was left feeling devastated, but after getting out with friends I have discovered that I am youngish and pretty good looking I have plenty to offer and get losts of attention from men and my life and my kids lives are so much more content.
Dont worry miss annon, life has a way or sorting things out, you will be fine, promise. x
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