A
female
age
36-40,
*issAshleigh
writes:Hello everyone. I have a question regarding my boyfriend. We're both 28 years old, I've known him for just over ten years, we dated for a bit but until the last year had been just friends. We had a one night fling 18 months ago... and now we have a nine month old son. We've gotten back together after having him. I love this guy, I care about him a lot, however I find myself feeling very unfulfilled in the relationship. One of my number one issues is that I don't feel that he is interested in me. He'll ask me how my day was, but then when I talk he just says "Okay" or "Cool", etc, but no follow up questions. I may as well be talking to myself. Whereas I try to ask him about himself, and engage him in conversation. When he gives me one word answers now I just stop talking and say "Okay" or "Yeah". Sometimes he asks me why I've stopped talking and I say I had nothing to respond to, but nothing changes. He doesn't call me or initiate conversation that isn't about him very often. The other problem is the way he flirts with me. Example- if I ask for a Squirt (the soda) he'll say "I'll give you a squirt!" and laugh. This is his idea of flirting with me. Or making blunt compliments such as "I like your boobs." It's a HUGE turn off. I've tried telling him that but it changes nothing. He behaves like a 13 year old around me. He has no game, he wants to make out but his behavior generally fails to get me in the mood. The frustrating thing about all of this is that I know he is only like this with me. I've seen him when he likes a woman and is interested, that is not how he is acting with me. We had a problem awhile back where he was texting other women, and he could be more mature and smooth with them, calling them sweetheart, etc. and initiating conversation, asking them about themselves. I understand that we've known each other a long time but we haven't dated in many years and in my eyes we kind of have to start all over. I don't want to skip the honeymoon phase and start off in a rut! I've told him all of these things and nothing changes. Why does he act SO immature with me and not when he talks to other women? I don't want to just end the relationship, I know he's trying, but I'm very unsatisfied. Has anyone else dealt with someone who is very immature with them and why do you think he would be acting this way?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2012): "Something about being around me just turns him into an adolescent."
Actually no, this is who he is. Seriously this is who he is when he stops showing his best side and relaxes. He's comfortable enough around you to be himself basically.
"Why does he act SO immature with me and not when he talks to other women?"
The very reasons I said above. With these women he's still trying, if you know what I mean and he's been with you long enough now that he doesn't feel the need to try with you. He would end up doing the exact same thing with them if he got with them after a while because this is kind of who he is.
"Has anyone else dealt with someone who is very immature with them and why do you think he would be acting this way?"
Yeah, I was very like that and I mean *very*. I'm a naturally playful kind of guy that doesn't really take life too seriously and I'm lazy too so all those combined and I was exactly like your boyfriend before one of my exes "trained me in". Talking is useless really OP in the way you've been doing it. This is who he is, he thinks he's funny and cute and when he says he'll change he'll just revert back to type because he doesn't see anything really wrong it. When my ex "trained me in" she used simple dog training technique of reward and punish. Nothing said and not as harsh as it sounds either hehe.
Just things like if I said something like "I'll give you a squirt" she would punish me by not reacting whatsoever and just stop talking and go back to what she's doing, or just walk away or just kill the conversation. Never in a huff mind you, she didn't give me a dirty look or get annoyed. She just went blank. Every time I said something stupid like that I would get absolutely no reaction and it would kill the conversation so I kind of just stopped on my own. Basically learned to keep those things in my head and then think of something smarter to say.
Don't respond to his childish flirting, a response is a reward, even an angry response is something, you know? No response at all. The only way he'll realize it's not cute is by seeing that it's not even getting a response from you, long term behaviour is only changed by rewards and punishments, it works for children, it works on dogs and it works on adults too. This also means when he gets something right, when he flirts with you well and in a way that works for you, you have to reward that, and make it a good reward. For example you've gotten madeup and ready to go out for the evening and he says "wow, you look amazing" or some such reaction. Then you reward him by giving him a huge smile, a big thank you and a massive hug. You get what I'm saying? Every time he says something sweet, stop what you're doing and give him a loving reward.
Are you getting how this works? Make it worth his while to do and say good things. Give him absolutely nothing for getting it wrong. Look it takes a bit of getting used to but once you do it's not a lot of work.
As far as him not asking you how you are enough and stuff, let that go, some people just aren't interested in day to day stuff enough to ask but will gladly listen if you say it. So don't sit there waiting for him to ask you just tell him all you want to say anyway. Don't make this about testing his interest, you've known each other too long now to play that game. Just tell him, he'll listen.
A
female
reader, MissAshleigh +, writes (7 January 2012):
MissAshleigh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answer! I have mentioned all these things to him and he doesn't seem to get it. He KNOWS it isn't what I want, especially because I don't really respond to it. And I've showed him examples of how he talked to other women and said, do that! To no avail. Something about being around me just turns him into an adolescent.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 January 2012):
 You need to talk to him about this, I have the feeling that this is what he thinks you want from him. You need to tell him it is not, explain to him that you know he an talk to woman right and tell him that is what you want. It is the only way to resolve this. It could be a case that he thinks this is not what you want. So talk to him. Communicate with him, it is the only way to see what he is thinking. Just tell him how you are feeling.
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