A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife quit her job about 10 years ago because of stress. Whatever it was, her commute, her boss, her coworkers, it was always something to complain about. She has never had a job she liked for more than a year even if it started out well. We always had quite different incomes because I am in technology and she is in the arts. I usually made about 3x as much as she did. When she decided to quit I was supportive of it, although I encouraged her to save more money up and pay off her debts - and hopefully find another job - before she did so. However, she complained so much about her job to me that it was more stress to me psychologically than it was worth to us financially so I just told her to quit if it would make her happy.Financially, we are doing fine. We don't have as much money as we did before, but no bill is going unpaid. However, what has changed is the power dynamic in the relationship.Previously, I paid all the bills and the money she earned she was free to use for whatever she wanted. My male friends jokingly refer to similar situations with their own wives as: "Her money is her money and my money is 'our' money." Sometimes she spent money on "us" like for a nice vacation and sometimes it was purely for herself. The point is that she controlled the money she earned money and I had limited (almost no) input in what she did with it. Sometimes I would be short to pay a bill one month and it would be like pulling teeth to get her to cough up the money. Often, she'd demand I pay her back even if it was for something we both needed like car insurance. I remember that one time we were out and I forgot my wallet at home so she had to pay. She was so put out by that and demanded repeatedly that I pay her back. I reminded her how many times I had paid for us both and that she was being stingy. We had a big fight about that and I still think that she was not being fair.Now that she is not working she has no money of her own. Well, she does still have some savings left but she is very tight with it and won't spend any of it. I think that is understandable. The problem is that now she has to come to me for anything she wants. If she wants a new purse or even a birthday gift for her dad she needs to come to me. This leads to a lot of fights. I think I am very reasonable and she isn't wanting for anything. However, she still resents having to come to me. Today she told me she wanted to buy something at the hardware store. I asked her what she wanted it for and she said "I don't have to explain myself to you." My response was: "Well, actually, you do since I am paying or else buy it yourself."There is this latent undercurrent where she resents having to ask for money from me but I also resent having to pay for her indulgences. I make a lot more money than she did, but that doesn't mean there is no budget. When she asks me for something expensive sometimes that answer has to be "No" or else we need to have a discussion about priorities.One thing I tried was to give her an allowance so that she could buy small things on her own without asking me. The problem with that is that she will do anything in her power to avoid spending her money on anything (e.g., she will ask me to buy something when she doesn't have her purse and promises to pay me back but never does without a fight) but also that sometimes she wants things that are out of our budget such that she is FORCED to ask me. She hates that. Sometimes the answer has to be NO. I recognize what is going on but I don't really know how to address it. We fight about money a lot. She wants a lot of things I do not consider priorities or flatout cannot afford. I tell her that if she wants those things she should go back to work. The basics are covered by me: house, food, clothes, car. However, if she wants to spend $500 on a fountain for the yard or $2000 for a new recliner then she definitely needs to make her case to me. She resents that. My response is: "Live with it or go back to work."She SAYS she is desperate to go back to work, but it has been 10 years now. If I was in her shoes I'd find a job no matter how menial. However, for her it has to be THE PERFECT job - and I know from experience that if it isn't I am going to pay with her griping about it even if I don't pay financially.I don't want to be her parent handing out allowance or vetting her every purchase. On the other hand, I make all the money and I pay all the bills. She's got about $7K in the bank that she can use if she really wants to, but she is too stingy to use it because she knows it might never be replaced.How do we get past this because it is killing our relationship?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2020): In my view division of labour within a household should be equal, where that includes paid employment, chores, looking after kids etc. If you're going out to work and she is doing chores and/or looking after kids then she should get half the income. If she's not doing anything except shopping then you shouldnt be funding her lifestyle. If she wants to keep shopping she will need to get a job. Maybe she lacks confidence and could start by doing some volunteer work or short course for a few weeks to boost her self esteem before going out to look for paid work.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2020): I have been married forty years.You and your wife need to sit down and have a real conversation as equal partners about money.Large purchases should be discussed prior to making them . That means you also have to discuss when you make a large purchase with her when you want to make one.Small purchases no one should need to discuss.If your wife wants to buy a five dollar nail polish she should not have to ask permission.That is very controlling and abusive I can understand why she will not spend her savings as I bet many other readers here have.Allowence?????What is she like five years old??? Treat her like a adult and maybe she might act like one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2020): I find it very odd that you let her give up her job and stay unemployed for such a long time. What was the point of that? For all those years she has got used to contributing nothing and leaving you to all the boring stuff like work. Why does that have to be re evaluated now?She was wrong to be a prima donna about packing in her job all those years ago and you were wrong to let it go.You are also wrong to start on about money and work all these years later, you should have dealt with it then or at least much sooner.How does your wife spend her time? How much money does she spend on herself?I often find that women who do not work spend like it grows on trees, often buying the most expensive clothes, make up, going to the hairdresser far more than is needed and so on. If you have let her carry on like this then of course she will want things to stay as they are. Why would she want to go back to work and have less power?I would not be at all surprised that you are now getting funny about this because other things in your relationship have changed... i.e. she is not keen on sex with you, always has a headache or is tired. You were find with her giving up her ordinary job and ordinary income and paying the bills if you got those fringe benefits, but when they dry up it it different.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2020): There's always contention when it comes to money-matters. You two started-off on the wrong foot; because there was never the understanding that everybody shares financial-responsibility for running the household-finances and expenses, regardless of how much they each earn. Obviously, the one who earns the most has the most ability to cover the larger bills and expenses.
That doesn't excuse the lower-earner from contributing what they can.
Your other mistake was being supportive about her frivolously quitting her job; because she couldn't get along with her boss or coworkers. She's lazy, and self-indulgent. She wants to be taken care of, and spend however she likes. That's a bad-attitude; but you married her for better or worse. Oh, the nonsense about housework, cooking, and whatnot; that has to be done! That can be shared and worked-out as well. You're married, you don't pay your wife to be your wife; and she doesn't get to stash cash, while depleting your bank account. Her money is your money too! If you've allowed her to believe what she earns is all hers without any discussion in the past; years down the road it's an understanding, and you don't just up and change your mind! What is consistent and acceptable without negotiation or dispute; becomes a form of a contract-agreement. She needs a job! You don't mention you have kids, so what does she do when the housework is all done? We can only assume that it's only the two of you.
You and your wife need to hire a financial-advisor. You need a mediator/go-between to help you to manage your budget, spending, savings, and investment for retirement; and to teach you both how to regulate your spending habits based on an organized-plan, and a schedule that prepares you for your future. That is, if there is one to look forward to as a couple.
Your finances are willy-nilly; so she indulges herself, and wants to look like the carefree well-to-do housewife. While working is optional.
If you like to spend, you should work. She also needs a household-budget for groceries and things for the house. Even if she doesn't work, she has to clothe herself, get her hair done, and cover other personal-needs you must pay for. Be that the case, there should be two incomes to share the financial-burden; or you will always fight over money!!! You didn't indicate that you're wealthy. She must assume that you are! If you take complete control over budget and bills, and she is never present when you're handling the finances; she has no clue. All she knows is that she has no job for income, and you do!
If you share the same house, the same bed, and the same last-name in marriage...you share all your financial-resources and assets...as the law will recognize in divorce-proceedings, or in probate. Everything is split down the middle. What's yours is hers, and what's hers is yours. It's a bit late in the game, and everything is now coming as an after-thought; after you admittedly supported her giving up her job, and never finding another one. Then that nonsense about giving her an allowance. How old is she, 13???
Discuss her getting back to work. Just don't expect that to be easy during a pandemic; with all the business-closures and furloughs. That should still become a serious undertaking for the sake of your sanity; and getting her out there to help earn some of what she likes to spend. Retirement isn't that far off, and time flies before you know it! Stuff happens, and you need emergency funds! Leave her stash alone, until then.
After getting yourself a financial-advisor, schedule for some marriage-counseling. You two need to talk...both your minds are closed from stubbornness. She is unambitious and lazy; and this comes as no surprise to you. You're blaming her, but the signs were always there; because she has never proven she is interested in maintaining a job. If she kills it when it comes to housekeeping, cooking, and running the household; then you shouldn't mind it when she spends to make life comfortable, and keeping your love-nest in top-condition. A financial-advisor will teach her some budgetary-disciplines. The rest is getting an attitude-adjustment. She's stingy, and tight-fisted with her own stash; which shows she's taking advantage of having a single-earner household, where she gets to spend and not work. All because she lacks social-adeptness and negotiating-skills; and may rub people the wrong way...you included! You can't easily change something that has been a norm for 10 years; all because a pandemic now forces you two to be confined together, and you're getting older and grumpy. Thus getting on each-others nerves! If you can't convince her to chill on her spending habits; you need someone who has the credentials and qualifications to show her the future, and the error of her ways. Then you need to take an extra-strength chill-pill; and remember you had 10 years to find a compromise, if you don't like being the sole-provider. Single-earner married-households worked well back in the 20th-century; but seems iffy and impractical in these present-times.
Get some marriage-counseling, and get your marriage under control. Encourage her to get back to work, she is becoming spoiled to the degree of being selfish and miserly. Even uncompromising and self-indulgent. Couples-counseling allows people to openly express their feelings and speak truths they won't allow each other to speak under normal circumstances. She's on the defensive and fights when you address your problems; because she's being criticized. You feel helpless and unable to compromise. It may even come down to divorce; if she has dug-in her heels, and thinks you alone should earn the money. While she's supposed to spend it; however haphazardly as she pleases, and getting a job is an option she doesn't have to consider. You can't be stingy, and demand generosity from others. It makes no sense, and that's tremendously selfish and spoiled. If divorce becomes the only option, she will file for alimony. Maybe that's her plan. Legally, you can't just shutoff all income from her, when you are the sole-breadwinner. You have agreed to that for the past 10 years!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2020): Honestly, reading between the lines you sound seriously tight with cash, and it is a real hang up for you. You yourself said you make 3X more than she made when working (so let's say you make a salary of 3 average people), and that money is not an issue at all for you- bills paid no problem. Yet you are nickel and diming her and asking her to explain every little purchase, even the hardware store, for goodness sake. Further, you admit that when she made money, she spent on the both of you such as taking you on vacations, etc (in spite of the fact that you always made more! Wow!)If she wants to make some larger purchases, like a new sofa or a water fountain for the backyard, that is for your home- that IS the for the two of you! Maybe you have different priorities on what needs buying (clearly you do), but it isn't like she's asking to buy Louis Vuitton purses or something... many, many men (and women) cover costs like this for the home when the other spouse isn't working.I think you are a very controlling man, when most men in your situation would be very liberal. When married, money is YOUR money, as a team. Many couples even have a shared bank account (yes, even when only one spouse is working) that they are both free to use at any time. Many couples have 1 shared one and then two private ones, if you want to do it that way. But the way you describe it sounds honestly awful. I would be done with your marriage so fast if I was her...the way you are treating her like a child who has to beg for purchases, when you make three times an average salary....As for your wife not working, you either need to accept that she doesn't want to work or leave. Many individuals (women and men) would rather stay at home and tend to the domestic affairs, which, in my books, take a lot of work (cooking, cleaning, organizing). If you aren't okay with this then leave. But I doubt you will change her mind to work. It seems like she may suffer from social anxiety and this is very hard to overcome. Perhaps she could get a part time job, but you can't force it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (4 October 2020):
 I have always said that we can do anything we like but everything comes with a price and we must be able and willing to pay that. Your wife does not want to work because she finds it stressful (she sounds rather spoilt and petulant, based on your post) but she wants to enjoy spending money. She is an adult and has to have it driven home to her that she cannot have her cake and eat it. I would love to give up work but know I would have to also give up a lot of the benefits I enjoy at present, hence I keep working, stressful as it is sometimes.
You need to pick a time when your wife is calm and you are not fighting, and ask her to give thought to where her priorities lie. If she wants expensive luxuries, she needs to find a job which will give her enough money to pay for them. If she does not want to work, then she has to cut her cloth accordingly and stop spending money on unnecessary stuff.
Arguments about money are one of the main causes of relationships breaking down. She needs to give her spoilt little head a shake and decide where her priorities lie.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): Sorry but she sounds entitled because she thinks a wedding ring on her finger means she can use you as a cash cow. I notice you didn't mention children, so she hasn't worked for ten years, what is she actually doing? I see no reason why if she wants the luxurious why she cannot go out and get a job, I think you have been more than fair and what she actually doesn't like is you don't give in and hand it over, well good on you. As a very independent woman I wouldn't dream of expecting my partner to fund me while I do jack squat, men do tend to be bigger earners and you took that into consideration and was more than fair, she is not being fair, nor being respectful in my books. I work hard and in an ideal world would love to work less and not have to go out and do long shifts but such is life if you want the nice things and just a sense of pride. She needs to get off her ass and get a job and maybe you both need relationship counseling because it seems it really is an ongoing problem which I'm doubtful you will fix on your own...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): If she doesn't want to ask you for money tell her to get a job. I joke about the my money her money thing but it's just that a joke. You apparently were actually living it. And that makes no sense to me. A marriage is a partnership where the partners work together. Seems you're the only one doing any work here. When she was working your bills should have been split according to percentage of income. If you made $100000 and she made 30000 the household bills should have been split 2/3-1/3. Instead you shouldered the entire burden allowing her to gritter away or stash her money wherever she liked you still have no idea. An arrangement that sometimes left you unable to pay bills and clearly left her a massive sense of entitlement to the money you earned. Which she thinks is hers and why shouldn't she think of it as hers, you've given her that impression for a decade. Why would she be desperate to go back to work when she has a walking talking ATM in you. It sounds like you want to save the marriage. Maybe counseling will help. But you need to insist she find work and once she is established in the job you work out an equitable distribution of household expenses.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): Look, I am a wife and right now I am without a job because the firm I worked for went under 6 months ago.I will have two years, all in all, of state support (my previous salary minus 30%). I am actively looking for work AND I have been also developing some other skills which would allow me to open my own business. My husband and I have always had a shared account. There is no separation between his and my money. When I had 3 jobs and earned more we were equals as we are now, when I'm bringing home less. That's partnership.There's something wrong with how your wife perceives the world. She may be lazy and/or have some sort of a mental/emotional problem when it comes to work and handling stress. Ten years is way too long to be saying how you want to find a job and doing nothing. My husband hates his job and is horribly stressed because of his coworkers. He has never even thought about quitting before finding another job. I worked in a lousy firm. I would have stayed there because I couldn't find another better one.You need to decide if you love your wife enough to support her financially. It's ugly the way I said it, but there's no going around it, because that's what she's been going for. I have some couples around me where husband is a sole breadwinner and it works for both of them. But they have such an arrangement. The wives are also mothers and take care of the kids, house, cook, clean...Sometimes these traditional roles work for people.You need to decide what it is that you really want and and then say it to your wife. She will try to blackmail you emotionally, manipulate you, the way she has been doing for a decade. But you need to be firm. Why hasn't she gone to see a therapist to deal with her issues? She had enough money and I'm sure that you would want to invest in her therapy. Even if she suggests this NOW, be careful and ask her to find work WITH therapy. Another red flag - she did nothing for 10 years. I don't mean worked. I mean she didn't volunteer anywhere, she didn't learn new skills, get another degree, had a kid... as i said there's something wrong with how she perceives the world, not because she didn't get (another) degree or had kids, but because she did nothing but spend your money.I don't want to be judgmental and base my opinion on a few facts you have given, but your marriage isn't working, the way it is now. You are both engaged in a power-play and you are controlling her with the money that she's trying to squeeze out of you using any means possible. Honestly, I don't know how you guys spend your time together, have fun... with this thing lurking over your heads for a decade.It's ugly and sad. You either have to change it or split up. Would you have to pay spousal support? If I were you, I'd consult a lawyer to see what my options were in case I or she wanted to get a divorce. You never know. Maybe she'll "wake up" and see your side of the story. Maybe she won't. In case it's the latter, you need to know what your obligations would be towards her if you leave her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): I totally see your side of the problem. I would feel the same. For years I was married to someone similar to your wife and it was me that ended the marriage, he tried very hard to hold onto. I always suspected it was because I worked hard and paid the bills, it might also have been because I was better at sorting things out, making decisions, solving problems and he was what I call an adult baby, he needed me to be his sex playmate and mother all rolled into one.Your wife is acting like a baby, she wants to be seen as a woman, she wants to make decisions when it is about spending other peoples; money, but she wants no responsibility.Forget explaining it to her again and again, forget discussing it with her over and over. Just stick to your guns. When she wants these expensive luxuries and toys say she can get a job as you cannot afford it. And then refuse to discuss it anymore.Others will say she is too depressed or lacking in confidence to get a job and make excuses for her. But people who really lack esteem and have depression are not interested in luxuries, their world becomes smaller and these things do not excite them. You are not her father who hands out wads of pocket money when she sees a new toy.
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