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Two years and I'm still not over him?

Tagged as: Breaking up<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 May 2015) 7 Answers - (Newest, 11 June 2015)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My life is just miserable. My ex dumped me about 2 years ago. I'm moving on very very slowly. I blocked his Facebook page, deleted all the pictures, put away everything that would remind me of him. I even moved abroad and focused on myself only.

He's tried to contact me a few times when I was abroad telling me he wished things were different so he could have me. No matter who he's with, no one will ever be like me. I knew he has a girlfriend who's dating him for more than a year when he wrote to me. I didn't reply him because it hurt so much to talk to him and I knew it's going to take me more time to get over him though there were so many words I wanted to say to him. I did everything I possible could just to forget him, but never one day did I stop thinking about him.

Everyone's saying that time is the best medicine. It's been two years and I don't see anything changing. Am I going to be like this until I fall in love with someone else?

View related questions: facebook, has a girlfriend, my ex

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2015):

What Wise Owl says is spot on. You can block his e-mails completely and never even see them so that at least you won't be tempted to open them. Otherwise, I would get rid of anything else you have connecting you. Leaving the country???? Wow, seems a little extreme. This action is something that is definitely stroking his ego. Don't let him disrupt your life anymore than he has. I made a similar mistake but by only telling my ex to not come around because it causes me pain. We work in the same company so even though he'll stay away for a couple days, what I said seemed to have given him ammunition to stop by occasionally thinking he has the upper hand. But, it was me who left him because of his addiction to women. I'll have to handle this better the next time this happens and I know it will. I did have an opportunity to transfer but I like my job and I will let no one mess with my livelihood.

I was reading another post where a women said you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince and she was so right. One day you will find that prince but the best for now is no contact with this guy. Good luck!

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (3 June 2015):

Abella agony auntHi

I am so glad that you blocked his Facebook page and deleted all the pictures. That was a good move.

It was stressful trying to deal with the breakup.

But then you added to the stress by moving abroad. Starting all over again would not have been easy.

Now you are starting to realise that two years is a long time to be thinking about a guy who has been dating another girl after the two of you broke up.

Is he worth putting your life on hold forever while you go over the good times?

Try to shake up your outlook by getting into some physical activity. Be it spin classes or circuit or aerobics or belly dancing or zumba classes,(so you are surrounded by others). Join a walking group so that you associate with others. Or if you prefer solitary things then consider swimming.

While you think and think and think about him you are giving up the joy of living.

Yes, maybe consider getting some additional counselling.

But the thing holding you back from moving forward is your own set of beliefs. So think about ways to mix with others more, develop a wider range of interests.

Try to avoid solitary activities where you may allow your thoughts to stray into thinking about him.

The Best partner for you is a partner who wants to be with you. A partner who doesn't cause you angst. A partner who is not dating another person.

I wish you well in the future. Life is too short to allow the thoughts of him to consume your time.

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A male reader, Crazysecret Canada +, writes (1 June 2015):

Crazysecret agony auntI would love to give you advice on what you should do but I lack sufficient information to give you a good answer. I do not know how long you have been together, I do not know why you guys broke up, I do not know if he is mature enough to speak to right now, etc.

What I can say with certainty however is that yes you will not feel like this forever. The notion that you will always feel like this is simply ridiculous but everyone feels that way. (Here is a song; Ray Lamontagne - Empty)

I find that getting over someone is always more difficult when you feel like your life is a mess and you do not have things figured out. This can lead to beliefs that a certain person was the only good thing in ones life. Reject that thought, Reject it, kick it, SHOOT it and Kill it with FIRE!

I think the best thing to do is better yourself. Distract yourself from him by going out with friends, going to the gym, go for a run to get those endorphins secreting, take up a hobby, or anything else you might want. It might not sound appealing at first but trust me, do these things or just start with one, you will feel better that you did.

I leave you with a few words of wisdom that will help;

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” ~ M. Kathleen Casey

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A female reader, Euphoria30 Germany +, writes (31 May 2015):

Dear OP,

I've read once a brilliant passage about moving on, in an otherwise quite mediocre book (Mars and Venus Starting Over, by John Gray).

It says that to get over a relationship, you need to allow all the feelings that belong to a separation: Sadness, anger, grief and fear.

If you're stuck in sadness and grief, you are probably suppressing a lot of anger, legitimate anger, and you need to allow it too, in order to get over this man.

He told you so many beautiful things, right? BUT did he really love you as much as he said, if his girlfriend was more important to him, in the end? And even now, he doesn't have the decency to leave you alone, still writing and occupying space in your life?

IF he had REALLY wanted to be with you, he would have made it happen. If he really regretted that it's over, he would change and come back for good.

He wasnt' honest with you, or his girlfriend. He's a coward, a liar, he took your heart and another womans' heart, too.

GET ANGRY! Stop, finally, to be the ever-so-loyal lover you still are! He instilled all this hope in you, and then he dumped you! All his sweet-talk and look where it ended. Grab a friend, get drunk, and have a rant about him! If he texts you something sentimental next time, text him to shove it up his lying ass and leave you alone!

And also, allow yourself to be afraid of your new situation, of the future, of what you wish but what might not happen. This fear will show you what you want to avoid, giving you hints about the wishes you want to make come true.

OK, that's it. It's mostly stolen from the book, but it helped me in the past.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (31 May 2015):

He still knows how to reach you. You don't block and delete his messages. Instead, you read them. Naughty, naughty!!!

You know he has a girlfriend and you're waiting for them to breakup. It's not happening, but you're still holding on. You have so much to say to him? Why? He dumped you and found somebody else.

He's contacting you because he knows you still hold feelings, and it strokes his male-ego knowing you're still suffering over him. Maybe some future side-sex may come of it. You've deleted pictures and blocked Facebook, big deal. That's just theatrics. You want him to keep in-touch. You'll suffer as long as you keep it up, by being available.

If you don't want someone to reach you, if you've gone as far as leaving the country; all you have to do is get an unpublished phone number and block your feed on FB. Never open his messages. Tell other people you know to stop giving him information on how to reach you. Including your family; who should know better than to torture you by doing so.

You're not being honest at all here. All the stuff about what you've don't to getaway; is just not to hear the aunts and uncles tell you to stop all contact and move on. You are going through the motions; with no real resolution or firm determination behind them. Deluding yourself.

Stop all contact and move on. Time and distance is the only way you'll heal. You cheat by reading his messages. They are sent to keep you frozen in time; knowing he still has the power to keep you from other men. Throwing you crumbs to keep your frail-mind and weak-will holding on to false-hope. Hoping against hope that he'll comeback.

He won't. So now what?

He's lying through his jagged-teeth. Playing a cruel game with your emotions. He knows you have a bit of drama-queen in you, so he sends you his soap opera unrequited love-notes. Very high-schoolish and fake as a rubber snake.

I feel for you. I got dumped and know just how you feel. I wrote articles about it. I let go, got over him, and found myself a hunk. I mean much better than the money-happy playboy hack that dumped me. I do admit, he was a load of fun! That's history, girlfriend! I grew from the experience in many ways!

You've got a powerful ego. You can't get past his

rejection. It crushed you. This has little to do with love. Your subconscious-mind let go a long time ago; accepting the futility of it all. It's nagging at you, that's why you wrote DC. You're fighting it. Fearing if you give-up like it tells you, you'll miss his return. Not likely! You'll see Halley's comet pass twice before that happens.

He found someone else, and it's eating at you that he was able to replace you. So you're impatiently waiting for them to fail. Even if it does, he'll find someone else; and continue playing with your head. Only because you make it so easy for him to do it. Winning him back will not increase your self-worth and value. It was never up to him to validate you, nor to appraise your desirability as a woman. That power is within you. Always has been. You're no less desirable without him. You didn't depreciate when he dumped you, my dear! He's full of sh*t!!! He's done with you!

When you decide to be good to yourself, and want to move on, you will. Your stubbornness is working against you.

Read my articles if you like. Be my guest!

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (31 May 2015):

Code Warrior agony auntIt sounds llke you've done everything recommended but move on. You haven't really moved on. If you still have his contact information, then you need to destroy it or delete it whatever form it's in. Also, don't just put away the things that remind you of him, you need to get rid of them. Keeping his contact information and reminders are just another way of hanging on. You have to let go. To stop thinking about him you pretty much have to refuse to indulge the thoughts when they come up. However, I do agree that you may not be able to fully put him out of your mind until there's someone new in your life to occupy your mind.

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A male reader, Garbo United States + , writes (31 May 2015):

Garbo agony auntWhy don't you reply to him and hear what he has to offer. For all you know, he is hurting as much as you are, irrespective that he maybe with some woman. In fact, that woman could make him realize what he has lost with you. Don't pour your heart to him but invite him to pour his so that if it sounds promising at all, go slow so that it is him who has to make sacrifices to be with you. Even when he does, keep slow, at a distance... basically keep postponing your trust at his intentions and keep demanding more. By turning the table on him, where he pursues you, maybe the best way to deal with this. I'm suggesting this because he already contacted you, praising you...

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