A
female
age
30-35,
*ristina kumar
writes:Hi Guys, So keeping it straight to the point. Ive been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now- everything is fantastic and I couldn't ask for anyone better. I live with him at his mums and we are saving up for a house to move out. I see him everyday obviously because we typically live together. I have a lot of trust issues sue to a past relationship where my ex cheated and had a baby with someone else. He knows about my ex and understands the way I act sometimes but last week he asked me if he could have space to himself at least 2 days a week- a Friday and a Sunday evening- I just think it is a little weird how he wants those 2 days- I don't know if it is just my trust issues or if he generally is just getting fed up of me. I called him at work on his lunch break- he never answered but txt me saying hes talking to his friend Pete who works with him but when I rang him again it said he was on another line? I don't know if he was on the phone to someone else or if he is generally trying to get away from me? he rang me back about a hour later whilst he was working and said I need to stop with my trust issues and calm down- he said your either with me and trust me or your not at all. I hardly see him now because of work patterns and gym etc. I hate change and I don't want to loose him because he is the love of my life. Am I just being paranoid? or is he trying to get away from me?
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (10 July 2014):
I think you need to do as he says and make a serious effort to start trusting him more. Even the most patient partner will get fed up of being questioned by a suspicious other half, and it sounds like that is what is starting to happen here.
Now before you freak out, I don't think he is going to leave you or anything, but if you keep behaving the way you are then he may do further down the line. Even if he understands why you act the way you do, it doesn't mean he's ok with it. It doesn't mean it's easy being given the third degree every day and having to constantly reassure someone else that you're not doing anything wrong.
You need to realise that these are your insecurities, and it's up to you to fix them. If you don't think you can do that, then please consider counselling.
Finally, a really important thing to do now is to give him the space he has asked for. If you cling on to him and try to pull him back to you, it really could drive him away. Focus on yourself, sorting out your issues and enriching your own life, and I think the rest will sort itself out.
A
female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (10 July 2014):
 Has your current boyfriend ever lied to you about anything or given you reason to question him?
I am assuming the answer to that question is no since you only mentioned mistrust from the previous relationship. You are definitely suffering from paranoia. I did look up this article for you that could help-
http://m.wikihow.com/Avoid-Suspicion-and-Paranoia
Again going on the assumption that your boyfriend has never lied to you, why do you think he is now? You must remember that not everyone is a liar or going to cheat on you like your ex did. If you have the ability to be an honest partner then your boyfriend has the same ability.
Paranoia feeds on changes in situations. When there is a slightest change you worry about why? And your mind spirals into something ridiculous. I'm sure your thoughts regarding his wanting Friday and Sunday nights to himself at some point reached the idea he is meeting up with another girl. When these thoughts happen just say them out loud or write them down. Usually you will see how crazy it sounds out loud.
*He needs friday and sunday night to himself. He could be meeting up with another girl.* Think about this logically. You think he has another girl who he sees on two scheduled days of the week. It's highly unlikely that is happening. When someone is cheating they are hiding their phones, acting differently, making excuses for being gone any random time, avoiding answers. Rarely is someone as genius and manipulative as paranoia makes them out to be. He isn't a mastermind or sociopath, able to hide all tracks and scheduleding meet ups under the guise of something else. He's a normal guy.
*He was on the other line so that means it was another girl.* Start to think of all the other options it could be when you are faced with that fear. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he got a call from work. Maybe it was an unknown number. Maybe it was a family member or friend he spoke to for a minute. Chances are more than likely it is a simple explanation that means nothing.
Paranoid thoughts are not based in logic. They are your biggest fears that are fueled with any changes in routine or differences. Things you perceive to be "off" that no one else sees. Recognize when you are paranoid and try to force yourself to think logically. Remember that your boyfriend loves you. Remember that he has never given you reason to disbelieve him. Calm yourself down and think of the other possibilities of the situation. Make an effort to trust what he is telling you because he is a good guy. Don't think about your past or how your ex did this and so this could be happening... Force yourself to think about something else when your past comes up.
Talk to friends or family about it. See what they have to say. Don't burden your boyfriend every single time you get these fears, you will need to have another outlet. You will wear him down otherwise. And let go of control. Whatever happens is out of your control. If he wanted to cheat, he will. People are going to do what they want to do. You can't control anyone, all you can do is trust and hope they won't hurt you. Focus on yourself and your own hobbies and life.
I know it seems like a lot. And it is, it's a long process. But once you have realized what you are doing you can train yourself to stop thinking this way. And to answer your question- yes you are being paranoid. And he probably wants the nights alone for space. Let him have what makes him happy. Good luck to you :)
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