A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 35 years old and my husband and I have been happily married for 13 1/2 years (until recently that is). About two months ago, my husband and I started having threesomes with an 18 year old female friend of the family. Everything was going great until he had to go out of town on a business trip one week. I had to stay home with our children, so he her if she wanted to go. I said it was okay with me because I knew that there was no danger of him falling in love with her, at least that's what he told me (my only condition for an open marriage, it's only cheating if it goes beyond just sex). When he returned home from his business trip, he informed me that he was falling in love with her. He said he would end it right then if that's what I wanted, but he really didn't want to. After spending some time alone with her, I started having some of the same feelings for her and being with her made my husband very very happy so I agreed to the triad relationship. The first time they were alone together, after he got home it did bother me. Then, later that same night, while I was sleeping, he started having sex with her. It really upset me. I tried to play it off by telling them I was just drunk and I was fine. She has now moved in with us and sleeps in our bed with us. I do enjoy the nights that we have threesomes, and I even enjoy watching the two of them have sex when all three of us are involved. My problem is that any other time, I just feel sick and want to cry. When he takes her into the bedroom alone I can't stand it. I try to play it off like it doesn't bother me, but I just want to throw up every time it happens. My husband and I used to have sex 1-2 times a day before all this, now I'm lucky if he has sex with me 1-2 times a week because she always wants to be with him. If we are having a threesome, he spends the majority of the time with her. When we fall asleep, he holds her all night and I get no attention. He tells me that it feels like I don't care about him anymore and that it feels like I don't want him anymore. I never kiss him, hold hands with him or play around with him anymore like I used to. He expects me to make the first move, but what I really need is for him to show me some affection. I don't want to hurt her feelings because it's not all her fault, and I don't want to make my husband feel bad. I really just want to figure out a way to be okay with all of this. I just don't know how I should feel. I keep telling him it's okay, and it is until they are alone together. I feel guilty when I ask to be alone with him because it seems to upset her and sometimes it feels like she's trying to compete with me. I would just really like some advice, especially from anyone who's been in a polyamorous relationship. My husband says that my love is still the most important thing to him and that I am his life and his world and nobody will ever change that. I do believe him, but I just wish I could get past this feeling of hurt and anger when they are alone together.
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male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (12 June 2014):
 Cattycakes, sorry to hear about your dad.
This is a five year old thread ;-)
Mark
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female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (12 June 2014):
You are introducing threats that may or may not damage your relationship. From the friend I have who have tried anything like this, I see only broken marriages. Two weeks ago my Dad died. He and my Mum struggled at some points in their almost 60year relationship to stay together. But From what I can see now, their fidelity brought them riches, even though it must have been difficult to be disciplined. I am sure things were not always perfect. But.... Sex and the desire for it lessens. Make sure you do not lose your heart's love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): Listen I have been there and done that for about 1 and half but by husband kept things behind my back. I thought we were all having sex together and that was it. He was doing it behind my back. I had a strong feeling it was going on but no prof. It turned me on when we all had sex I liked watching him have sex with her. But to sleep in my bed Hell no I was the wife there were boundries. He only slept in bed with me and showed me more attention. If you want this to work becuase mine didn't only becuase she got pregnant and I could not handle it. My husband still chose to be with me. He needs to show you respect toward your feelings because your the wife. You need boundries to what is too happen in your bed room.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): Listen I have been there and done that for about 1 and half but by husband kept things behind my back. I thought we were all haveing sex together and that was it. He was doing it behind my back. I had a strong feeling it was going on but no prof. It turned me on when we all had sex I liked watching him have sex with her. But to sleep in my bed Hell no I was the wife there were boundries. He only slept in bed with me and showed me more attention. If you want this to work becuase mine didn't only becuase she got pregnant and I could not handle it. My husband still chose to be with me. He needs to show you respect toward your feelings because your the wife. You need boundries to what is too happen in your bed room.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): Original poster again...Okay, maybe I didn't explain this in the right way. When my husband said he couldn't care about her in that way, he meant romantic love. We both love and care about her very much as a friend. The beginning of this whole situation was her idea not ours. It was also her idea to move in with us. There are times when I honestly wonder if she's just using us, but I'm having faith in her to be honest. I think that this is actually best for all of us involved. She's 18, and she needs a life of her own. She has already told me many times that she really wants to date other people as well as be with us but she doesn't want to hurt my husband. I think that what is best for us is to go back to the way things were before the business trip. Her problems with her family were going on way before anything started with us. This just made it worse. The point is, we are not going to abandon her and we will never treat her badly. We love her as a friend with benefits and I have been pretty sure after spending so much time with her over the last few weeks she feels the same. We just need to take the time to have a talk with her as well.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): seems like you have had all worked out right from the very beginnining. pity we all here rallied toyour defense and though you actually needed rescuing. this is so far from the truth.
having read your last post - i am actually alarmed that perhaps both you and your hb have manipulated this girl into your sordid lives. after all she has no where to go, at YOUR na HIS beck and call, for you both to use and perhaps abuse her sexually. she doesn't know any differently. seems like you two were supposed to protect her, instead of manipulating her and hoodwinking her. i am now feeling very very sorry for this young girl who doesn't know what she really got herself into with you and your hb. perverted isn't it? i hope/trust you two are not hurting this poor , young misfit. i just hope you two are not taking advantage of her. seems like some wisted sick game you and your hb are playing with this 18 year old.
strange, you joined them last night when he was having "issues" meaning he couldn't get it up. did he mannage to perform when you joined him and the yonug lover.
regarding you kids, each to his own. how you raise them is actually your own business. exposing them to this side of marital sexual gratification is well, morally dysfunctional. what you do in your bedroom in your own business, but exposing your kids to the situation is just inappropriate.
you are in a very unhealthy place both you and your husband. trust this 18 year old, gets her act together and ditch you perverted partners. if she had any sense at all she will run, so fast away from you two.............so much for the aunts her feeling sorry for you. go find someone mature enough to understand the sexual situation you want. leave this young girl alone. you are 'raping' her/abusing her for your selfish sexual perversion. you give the concept threesome a dirty, perverted concept when it shouldn't. now i am speechless! and angry!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): I am the original poster and I just wanted to update what's going on and say thank you for your advice.
My husband and I had a long talk last night. It seems that I was worried about nothing. When this all started, I had feelings for her too. After our talk last night, we realized that we were both trying to make the other happy. He thought that I wanted him to be in love with her and I thought that it's what he wanted. He told me that he was sorry about having those feelings for her when he got back from his business trip, but he has since realized that there was nothing there. He said he tried to love her for my sake and he's been miserable for the past few weeks because of it. I found out that every time they have been alone together, he cannot "get it up" because he just can't have those feelings for her. They have nothing in common and he doesn't even really like her that much because she gets on his nerves (typical teenage behaviors). He told me that he really wished that she would decided to move out, but we can't kick her out because she has nowhere else to go right now (her parents disowned her because of this and a few other things). We made the decision together last night that from here on out this is about sex and nothing more. She can also date whomever she wants as long as she promises to be safe. That I can deal with very easily. So after our talk last night, I feel better than I have in weeks. I guess it really has everything to do with communication and the lack thereof.
I just wanted to say one thing to the person who basically called us bad parents. Neither my husband nor myself are bad parents. We love our children very much and spend a lot of time with them. What we do in our bedroom is nobody's business but our own. Do you tell your kids what you do in your bedroom? Our two youngest children our 5 & 3 and they don't really care except for the fact that they love her. Our oldest is a teenager, but we have had a long talk with him about things and he is cool with it. Basically, I have my own set of rules and thoughts about morality and sex. Although a lot of people wouldn't agree with them, it doesn't make them wrong.
We ended up having our talk after they spent an hour and a half alone. I found out that nothing happened because he was having "issues." After our talk, I told him to go ahead and be alone with her, and it didn't bother me at all. In fact, I ended up joining them in the middle of it.
Anyway, thanks again for all your advice everyone!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): your husband is openly f*cking this girl, time to get rid of here. this is a threesome, going horrible wrong.act fast and act decisively. "I don't want to hurt her feelings because it's not all her fault, and I don't want to make my husband feel bad." i am not understanding this. your hb is actually cheating on you, whichever way you look at it. he overstepped the boundaries. you say that you have been happily married- well you are not anymore. this woman has stolen your hb from you, seems with your blessings. regarding what the other aunt asked- pregnancy- if this girl is shrewd she will deliberatley fall preganat. get rid of the "unwanted" person. she is making sure that your hb does not find you attractive anymore, she deliberately steals his affections and the sexual gratification. this girl knows what she wants and it is your hb, not you. "I feel guilty when I ask to be alone with him because it seems to upset her and sometimes it feels like she's trying to compete with me." why are you feeling guilty. only your hb is scoring ALL AROUND."My husband says that my love is still the most important thing to him and that I am his life and his world and nobody will ever change that." more lies. you are way over your head. your hb, by his behaviour has shown you that he prefers the 18 year old instead of you.you and your hb have also acted despicably. how do you explain this woman being in your bed to your MINOR KIDS. why are you exposing them to this sordid behaviour. both you and your hb have been irresponsible and unparentlike by exposing them to this side of sexual gratification. this is just so unhealthy ALL ROUND. i can tell you how this will end but i think you have a lot on your plate right now. be realistic and see how this is playing out. you are the spare wheel in this 3some. you know it, the hb knos it and the 18 year old knows it. now it is just a matter of time before they decide that 2s company and three is a crowd. please do damage control and do it fast if you want to save your marriage. your hb is enjoying this situation. it is a win win situation for him. he is in his element and he thinks nothing of you , your feelings and how much it has degraded you. time to put an end to his pleasure and time to start working on your marriage. you both, after this, need marriage counselling. your marriage is not strong to withstand this mess, so please start talking about this mess NOW. or else it will be too late and since you said nothing, you only have yourself to blame. you are defiling your home for good ness sake. stop it!
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female
reader, Bam4Me +, writes (21 September 2009):
In my opinion, you don't really like her, you just say that because you want to make your husband happy. You need to get rid of the other girl!
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 September 2009):
If he loves you, she has GOT TO GO! You're not happy at all and this has to end now before you get seriously hurt. No excuses, no nothing. Tell him she has to go. And no more threesomes either. They just get in the way. Good luck. xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): OMG- this is like a bit of a bad bad horrible, heart wrenching movie.this girl needs to go NOW. jus be careful your hb will want to go with her as well. you are in your 30s she is 18. your hb is enjoying the younger "fresh" girl. please KICK HER OUT NOW. and set boundaries with your hb. a threesome is with 3, not only the 2 of them alone, without you. please no more sleeping in the same bed. your hb is cheating on you, with your blessings it seems. seems like he is ready to have only HER in his life and to hell with you.please listen to the other aunts.my stomach is actually in knots as i type this. i cannot imagine what they have been putting you through. please remember this, the moment you invite another person in a marriage you know it is the start of the end of that marriage.please you need to do damage control FAST IF YOU WANT YOUR HB BACK. IF you need to play dirty then do it. but know what you are dealing with. your hb has disrespected you ENOUGH. this other woman in your home has done the same. time for you to stop shutting up AND START TALKING, HEY SHOUTING if it gets the message across. your hb will not get rid of this one so please work out a plan to get rid of her for ever. what a twisted life you are now leading. even though you want to be with this girl as well, you need to stop. seems like threes a crowd and you are the unwanted factor.good luck and please send us an update.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): I would tell him that she has to go immediately. My God, I can not even imagine what this must feel like.
You do not sound happy; honour yourself and your feelings with being honest to all involved in this complicated situation.
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (21 September 2009):
 Not many couples can handle a threesome without this putting a strain on their relationship. You opened Pandora's box. "I really just want to figure out a way to be okay with all of this." The only way is probably to put an end to threesomes. You can tell hubby they bother you and you may have initially liked it but it is overwhelming now. I don't think you are ready for a polyamorous relationship, or the type to have one, as you have jealousy issues, etc. For instance, you say "When he takes her into the bedroom alone I can't stand it." If she has moved in, there will be times when you are out shopping or for other reasons, will it bother you then to replay all sorts of scenarios in your mind? - You should have taken his offer when he said he would end the triad at your request. If he is willing or able to do this now, that is left to see, but since you are uncomfortable with this situation, the first thing is to inform your husband that you no longer wish to have the presence of another in your marriage, make it a nonequivocal statement and explain why and how you feel. "I never kiss him, hold hands with him or play around with him anymore like I used to." You are starting to resent him because he doesn't realise you are pushing your limits to carry on with the deal, or if he realises, he doesn't do much about it. You will resent him more and more if you continue to go against your pleasure and ease, until the situation will become more unbearable. Now, if your husband agrees to cut contact with this girl, and to work on your marriage, to help it recover and grow from the negative impact of having threesomes, you will both have to agree to do the best you can to achieve this. And you will have to be kind to him, even if you don't feel like it now because you feel somehow forced to continue this parody and he has to be kind to you as well even if he will dislike having to end the harem dream. There are, undoubtedly, couples who have successfully handled triad relationships but it is not your case because you are not as attracted to this idea as your husband is, you have jealousy issues, etc. It is also perfectly acceptable for you to change your mind and not agree to this particular element in your sex life. If possible, you might also want to visit a marriage counsellor.To negociate with your husband will not be easy and he might even prefer her or see her behind your back. You unleashed a lot of unsuspected problems by not judging thoroughly to be VERY sure that this was what you wanted in the first place. You can tell your husband that in compensation for losing the threesomes you will spice up your sex life in other ways and that you are open to pretty much any wild fantasies of his so long as they don't require the presence of a third party? There are millions of crazy things you could do without bringing another person in your bedroom, and I don't doubt that you have your aces up your sleeve when it comes to sexual imagination, since you say you do like seeing them having sex as long as he focuses on you. So you can tempt him with how generous you will be when your marriage is restored to a more natural and acceptable level for you, but don't forget it's not only about sex, there are many problems to discuss here regarding your feelings, the negative impact of this stage of experiment in your marriage, and so much more, if your husband will agree to your petition, and let's hope this is so.All the best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): I am in a polyamorous relationship right now. My only advice with things like this is always the same: you have to communicate your feelings to everyone involved. With something like this, you need to be extra vigilant, extra sensitive, extra accommodating.
If you are feeling unhappy with the amount of time you get from your husband - say so. Your feelings are valid here. It sounds like you are very reasonable and have already stepped well out of your comfort zone - if your husband cares about you he'll recognise this and be willing to do what it takes to put you at ease. Having her sleep in your bed is a lot to ask - if you are not comfortable with the situation, sit down, all three of you, and talk about it until every one of you feels happy.
It is a problem if he is not willing to compromise for you, and work out a solution that you can all be happy with. What is your relationship with the girl like? She needs to know your feelings too.
Bottom line: if you are hurting, and it's ongoing, then the arrangement is not working and you have to all three work out a way to make it work. The only way you can do that is to let your husband and the other girl know how you feel.
Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): Well you are making him have his cake and more. He is having the time of his life. Two women vying over him. WOW.
You accepted these conditions, which is crazy. If you don't like it then do something about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): My god what a situation you are in! You only have 3 options.1. Tell your husband you don't want this threesome anymore.2. Dump the both of them and move on with your life.3. Find another man for 'JUST SEX' (you might find love there as well).You can't stay in the threesome. You will be and are misrible. You could try and hang in there and he may stop caring for her when the age gap becomes difficult. This girl will have studies and university and other boys eventually to go to. You could try and find another man for JUST sex. Your husband might start feeling how you do and start paying you more attention to win you back, or it could go pair shaped and it could drive him further away into the other womans arms. Again though, you might end up falling for the new guy as well and nothing would matter anymore. Of course the girl will be jeleous and feeling the same way you do. She will feel threatend because you are the married woman and not her. She knows she is disposable as such. She will oviously be competing with you because she loves your husband and she knows it will come down to either of the above options and she wants to make sure she is the one that ends up with him in the end and not you.Tell your husband everything anyway. Get it off of your chest and see how he reacts. Tell him you need more attention. I'm betting the other woman is just all looks for him and he is just in lust over her and not in love (probably another reason for her to be envious of you), but is still in love with you.Good luck with whatever you do!
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