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This married guy has hurt me worse than I have ever known! How can I have allowed that?

Tagged as: Cheating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 November 2006) 6 Answers - (Newest, 8 October 2007)
A female , anonymous writes:

I,very foolishly, had a relationship with a married man. This all started well over a year ago, with him flirting madly with me and making it quite clear he doesnt want to be with his wife. I resisted for 8 months, telling him no, that I'm not that stupid, that it would only end up with me getting hurt and I wasnt going to go through hurting again. That it was wrong and not fair on his wife. Not only that he lives 250 miles away from me and we get to meet up once every few months or so. The chasing continued for all that time, with me saying no constantly. We got on really well. There's been many occasion when we've met up socially with lots of other friends and ended being the only ones left in the hotel bar at 5am chatting about anything and everything.

His friend, who is also a good friend of mine, kept telling me how crap this guy's marriage was and how he couldnt stop talking about me. I'd get text messages and phone calls from him all the time. I really fell for what he said. I really believed that he felt something for me and then 6 months ago, we ended up spending a whole weekend together. It was amazing and he made me feel so good about myself. That is until the last morning when he said that I would have to forget about it as it would just do my head in. I'd already felt guilty about us anyway, and when he said that, I thought "Oh, so thats all I was". I felt like crap, but I wasnt actually that bad. Annoyed, yes, but I could deal with the hurt.

Then he started texting me. Every day he'd tell me how much he loved me, missed me, couldnt wait to see me again. This went on for 6 weeks until I saw him again. He had started acting funny about a week before I saw him, and when we met up, he told me I was just a shag. Boy, did that hurt. I'd fallen for this guy massively and he said that to me. Needless to say, I ended up in bed with him again, like a total fool. The last night of that weekend, I was chatted up by another guy, and the married man got very jealous about it. I went home feeling that I had some upper hand back and spent 4 months trying to heal myself, trying to get over him. I spoke to him a couple of times during that time, but it was just general chat.

Then the next weekend, last weekend came round. We were all meeting up again and a week before, he started texting me, being flirty. I got to the hotel last weekend and he was all over me, but I resisted him. I just treated him like I treated everyone else. He asked me up to his room on the second night, I turned him down. Then, for some unknown reason, the third night I wanted to see him desparately. He had been texting me during the whole of the weekend. He'd send me a text late at night, just before he went to bed, then he'd send a text the next morning, first thing. Needless to say, I obviously still hadnt learnt my lesson and ended up sleeping with him on that third night. After that, he treated me like I didnt exist. The last night of our stay, I was standing in the bar next to him, and he turned his back on me. I got the message from that and left, going up to my room and breaking my heart. I sent him a text, basically saying that I had got the message and that it was a shame it had to be like that.

The next morning, I went to his hotel room because I didnt want it being left the way it was. He then accused me of being a stalker, referring to the text message the night before. That was actually the first text message I had sent him, other than replies to his text messages.

Now I'm hurting like mad. I cant stop crying and feel like I'm completely worthless because I can see exactly what he's done, I just dont understand why. I didnt do anything to him to make him hate me that much to go out of his way to hurt me the way he has, and I feel like I will never go near another man again. I was alone for well over a year before all this happened because of being hurt previously. He knew that, and yet has treated me worse than I've ever been treated by anyone else.

I'm 34 years of age, and should know better than to get involved with someone who is married. However, I didnt think anyone could be that callous.

View related questions: flirt, jealous, married man, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007):

i understand completely because i had the same experience. only in my case, it was a game played by the man and his wife.

did i deserve it?? ablolutely!! i should have never gotten involved with and trusted a married man.

now when i think about him, it's like thinking about a stranger.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2006):

Thanks for your replies.

I'm well aware of how foolish I was falling for this person and despite my best efforts, I failed miserably. You cant help who you fall in love with, and I'm just so glad I didnt end up hurting his wife. Like someone said below, she's the innocent one in all of this.

I'm not proud of what I've done and if I could only turn back time to about a year ago, and know what I know now, I wouldnt go anywhere near him. Unfortunately, he showered me with love and affection and I believed him. I'm now paying for that, because he hasnt just broken my heart, its made things very difficult for our mutual friends and a big part of my life is probably now over (I'm not talking about him here).

I've deleted his phone number from my phone and have no intention of ever contacting him again. The next get together is not until next year and if I'm still a part of it all, I'm hoping I will be a much stronger person than I am now. I'm aware of the fact that he will probably try it on again next time, but at least now I know what I was to him and if I keep that in mind, and just how angry I've been in the past couple of days, then I know he wont get anywhere with me.

I've come to the decision that I'm just going to remain single. I was doing quite fine before this person came along and I'm sure I can get back to that again one day!

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A female reader, lovely1000 +, writes (7 November 2006):

I know this reply is quite delayed but i just had to reply because after reading the 'advice' from other readers i feel you need a few kinder words. Everyone is entitled to their opinions so fair enough but it angers me slightly when people reply to your problems with harsh words - things that you already know but dont want to hear again.

You know what you did was wrong getting involved with a married man, you know you were wrong to go back to him time after time so other people telling you again is not going to help you. Let me tell you.. so many people have done what you have done.. fallen for the wrong person. i have done the same, although my guy was not married. It is extremely hard to control your feelings for someone that you really like or want and so dont be so hard on yourself. Unfortuinatelty when a guy we like tells us sweet things, we want to believe them so we let them in once again, believing that they want us and love us.

So my point here is yes you were foolish, but most have us have done the same thing over and over, so dont think you're the only one.

Unfortunatley you have messed about with a selfish player.. but that does not mean you cannot be with someone else who is lovely. You have been hurt and are still hurting but you have to pick yourself back up and allow yoursefl to move on a nd be happy with someone else. Not all guys are like this one.

And besides, there is a lesson to be learnt.. be a bit more cautious in future - but not paranoid, dont let this guy ruin your happiness. And, most importantly.. experiencing the losers makes you realise who the princes are.

try not to spend too much time being upset over this guy. you made a few mistakes.. learnt a few lessons and with that you can move on!

good luck. i hope this has helped.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2006):

I couldn't even read all of your detail on this story, the first paragraph was enough for me...you ask, how could I let this happen? Well, you stayed in a bar with him until 5 in the morning talking about anything and everything....honey, that was the booze and your own boredom with your life and your loneliness talking.....stop drinking and hanging out in bars and you might meet a man who is more worth your while, i.e someone whoo is not a drunk and who has something going on in his life that he can offer to you....move on, wake up, and get active in your own life....nuff said.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2006):

Just move on and forget about him. I know your hurting but the message he gave you was loud and clear. If for some reason you end up at another group gathering and he is there, ignore him. Don't let him worm his way back into your bed because that is all he wants from you.Ignore his text messages, don't call him, don't email him....you get the picture.

Don't dwell on the past but learn from this mistake. I hope you feel better soon.

Best Wishes

-J

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2006):

You have been really silly but then you already know that one anyway. It could have been a lot worse you could have ruined a marriage if his wife found out, she is the inoccent one in all this. I understand that you are hurting right now and only time will heal this pain. You have been treated badly by this man but he admitted to you what he actually wanted from this relationship and you were willing to allow him to continue so there isnt anyone else to blame for this mess but you. Maybe in future it will act as a deterant to you and you wont want to get involved with another married man. If you were someones wife would you want the same thing to happen behind your back and we both no the answer to that question to that dont we. Take time out for you and next time pick someone who is available that can commit and not screw you over.

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