A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear auntiesI am goibg on my third date tomorrow with a guy. First date we kissed, second date we also kissed but he said he had three pints so was not safe to drive. So I said he could stay on the sofa. Then inside he said he wanted to stay in my bed. I thought, maybe it'll be nice, so he stayed with me. Just kissing and things. He stayed the next day and we went out for lunch and for a walk along the river. Then before he left he wanted to arrange the next date. Wants to go for dinner near his place and stay over there. Wants to make me breakfast etc.He seems very much into me but here's the questions I have:Is he just after sex?Is he expecting sex?Is it too late for me to back out?I have to leave early on Saturday morning to meet a friend anyway, is it OK to say I've changed my mind about staying over?We have not been in touch since ladt weekend when this was all arranged before he left. It was really sweet goodbye. I had a look online from private mode and he has not been online since he met me.
View related questions:
kissing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (7 December 2013):
 Then send him an email, not a text. Be honest and brief. Just tell him you don't want to see him anymore. You're being pushed to do too much too quickly and that's not your style. Wish him well in his search, then block him.
Do NOT offer or agree to remain friends. Better you don't even give him the opportunity to suggest it.
Don't offer much more explanation than that. It's pretty obvious to anyone with any sense or decency. And the more you say the more opportunity you give him to try to convince you to stay or punish you for leaving.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): Yes, that's very good! Actually I want to move on though. Do you think it's OK to do so by text, and I what would you say?
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (7 December 2013):
Something else...
It would help you to reconsider your value in the dating market. You're probably operating under the assumption that the men you meet online are getting the same amount of attention from women as you are from other men. Countless times I've heard men lament that quite the opposite is true. In fact many woman receive so many chat invitations that they simply don't have time to even politely decline the men they're not interested in.
If your guy friend received all the female attention he wanted he wouldn't be all over you. I don't mean you're a last resort, but that he isn't turning down tons of beautiful women to be with you. By spending time with you he isn't giving up anything. He's GAINING, while you actually are giving up other possibilities to spend time with him. Don't allow him to think otherwise.
Men in this forum and others have often used 'biological imperative' to explain the extra latitude they give themselves when it comes to their sexual choices while judging women for the sexual choices they make. I think it's time we women used this imperative to our advantage for a change. It will always be a sellers market and women will always be the sellers.
And finally be more conscious of how you sell yourself. If Coca Cola employed your self deprecating marketing strategy they wouldn't be the multi billion dollar company with customers all over the world, that they are today.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (7 December 2013):
Do you want to continue seeing him, within your boundaries or do you want to put him behind you and move on entirely?
If you want to give him another chance, you could send him a text saying 'Hi there. For our third date I would like to see the Dinosaur exhibit at the museum and go to Garfunkel's for dinner afterward'. Let me know if that works for you. :)'
That's just an example. Obviously you'd type in whatever it was you wanted to do. Notice, though, that I'm being specific here, I'm stating what I want in a positive way without making demands of him. Letting him get back to me allows him time to consider the options. He can then modify or decline my suggestion.
Don't introduce something negative by referring to concerns about previous dates. Just steer them where you want them to go from now on.
The idea is for you to learn to be clear and specific about what you want, and decisive in expressing it without feeling like you're being bossy or selfish (because you're not). The subtext here is that regardless of whatever anyone else thinks of you, you think enough of yourself to ensure your own well being, that you won't be dancing around anyone's feelings and that your idea of dating someone is going out and doing interesting things together, not hanging out in each other's beds (that's a lazy courtship).
Now, if he's dumb or crass enough to ask why you don't want to sleep over at his place (or even spend a few hours there), you simply say 'It's too much too soon for me.'
Again, notice that I'm being honest without being roped into providing him with unnecessary, lengthy explanations. He can't have lived this long without picking up a clue or two about boundaries and how to respect them. Talking is negotiating and the more you talk, the more likely you are to negotiate yourself right back into an uncomfortable situation. Don't give him the chance to wear you down.
Do you think this might help?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): OK thanks. I want to back out. How do I put it? Do I be honest in a text and say seems to be moving too fast, or do I just say sorry I don't want to come over? As soon as he pulled that drinking too much line last week it irked me and my heart sank. Oh no, not another pone. I have terrible trouble with boundaries and letting people take advantage, I've been stewing on it all week. Yeah, I want someone who respects boundaries, but I did get carried away myself too. No, I didn't know him for long before meeting him, you're right.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (7 December 2013):
Is he just after sex? We can't be sure, but he isn't doing anything to reassure you that he isn't, is he?
Is he expecting sex? Again, we can't be absolutely sure, but based on the success he's had with you so far, it's highly likely. At the very least he's HOPING for sex and he's certainly doing what he can to make it happen.
Is it too late for you to back out? As long as it's before the fact then it's not too late. Obviously the sooner the better.
OP, I really think you should take a step back and re-evaluate this man and the recent developments.
I don't know how long you corresponded with him before meeting him in person, but I'm guessing it wasn't long. You're kissing on the first date. Then on the second date he conveniently had to stay at your place and despite being shown the couch (a clear message if ever I saw one) he decided to worm his way into your bed instead. Fueled by his successes so far, he's now hastily arranged a third date in hopes of worming his way into your panties. And based on how well you set limits and live by them he has every reason to believe he'll succeed there too.
I suggest you take a page from your grandmother's book. However naïve and antiquated you believe her generation was, you can be certain neither your grandfather, nor any other man who ever dated her ever expected her to put out during their courtship. She wasn't badgered for blowjobs, threesomes, anal sex and naked pictures the way many women are today. And she didn't have to stomach a date who openly admired other women in front of her. The women of her generation had to have been doing something right.
Boundaries are easiest to enforce when circumstances conspire to assist us. So take an active role in creating those circumstances. Your dates should be in public places and last no more than 4 hours or so in the beginning and you should be home by a reasonable hour. No night caps, no sleepovers and no staggering home at 2:00 in the morning. Until you decide you're ready to become intimate with someone you should avoid intimate settings.
If you want others (men or women, friends or lovers) to treat you well you must maintain a certain formality until that person has actually earned some level of trust. Familiarity with them should be in proportion to the degree of trust they've earned.
If you want to know who is interested in YOU and not just sex, take sex off the table and see who sticks around. That's what your grandmother did. She didn't have to constantly worry about a man's motives because she had a clear picture of what hers were.
You also need to exercise some self discipline. Just because something might feel good in the moment, doesn't mean it IS good over the long term. Sure, cuddling up with an attractive, friendly guy sounds nice, but if you don't know him well enough to feel completely comfortable around him, then giving in and letting him hang out in your bed is not a good idea. Look where it's gotten you.
Only two dates and you're already anxious and suspicious.
If you're going to continue seeing this man, then I suggest you tell him you'd prefer to go OUT on a date. Have something specific in mind. Keep it light and be matter of fact, brief, decisive and unapologetic. No explanations are necessary and a decent man wouldn't ask for one. Don't worry about being polite or hurting his feelings. Let him worry about staying in YOUR good graces.
Personally I'd cut this one loose. A decent man would have been careful with his alcohol intake, especially with someone he doesn't know and wants to impress. And if there was some emergency that required he spend the night, he'd have accepted your couch with gratitude.
...............................
A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (7 December 2013):
He certainly sounds like a fast mover,i think he expects sex.If your not comfortable with it then don't do it.If he has feelings for you then he should be prepared to wait.He might sleep with you and then dump you and move to the next conquest.You should call the shots.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 December 2013):
 I would just be honest with him.
Tell him that you will take a rain-check on the breakfast. Tell him that you aren't really ready to do "sleep overs" or whatever you want to call it. I would be upfront about wanting to go slow.
I would NOT do sleep over at his or your place til you FEEL you are ready and WANT to do more then just sleep. Maybe even til you two are exclusively dating.
Have PUBLIC dates. Have fun getting to know him.
You sound like you are not up for sex with him (yet) and that is OK. He MIGHT expect it but that where I think being upfront and honest should come in.
Is he JUST after sex? I have no idea.
Is he expecting sex? I wouldn't be surprised if he were. Which is why you do NOT put yourself in a position where sex "might" be the next step. Such as staying over at each others.
Is it too late? I don't think so, BUT I think you should have told him when he asked you instead of the night before or the evening of the date. BUT you are STILL within your "right" to say no thanks to the sleep over & breakfast.
You are a GROWN woman, go with WHAT feels RIGHT for you, not what HE might think/want.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 December 2013):
Hi,
There's not enough information to suggest that he is only after sex, but he's certainly interested in developing that side of things! He is certainly very keen on it.
Is he expecting sex? Not necessarily expecting, but he does want it. I never expect sex from my girlfriend, but that doesn't mean that I don't want it.
Is it too late for you to back out?? Never. It's never too late to back out of something like this if you don't want to do it. My friend like a woman, who invited him over, but was then frosty with him at her flat. The truth was that she had changed her mind, but didn't know how to word it, and felt that couldn't back out. Of course, my friend would rather her have just backed out!
You may well be better telling him the truth, that perhaps you're not ready stay over at his just yet, but would still like to see him and see where it develops. That way, you're more likely to find out what he's really like, and hopefully you won't feel under pressure.
Please don't ever think it's too late to back out. Even if it's five minutes before, it's never too late if you don't want to do something. It would be worse to go along with it and wind up feeling uncomfortable.
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (6 December 2013):
 Let's break this one down.
HE had too much to drink knowing that the original expectation didn't involve him staying at your place overnight.
You offered him a perfectly good place to crash for the night (your couch) and he CHOSE not to respect your preference that he sleep there.
He invited himself into your bed and now he's planned a third "date" that revolves around you staying over at his place. Where does he intend for you to stay? I'm betting it's not the couch.
Look, this guy may not ONLY want sex - I suppose there's a remote possibility that he really is serious about you and just has horrible game/social skills - but everything you've written here suggests that sex in the very near future is a major part of his agenda with you. Every time one of you stays at the other's place and you haven't actually been intimate with each other it puts you personally in this awkward "do we or don't we" position. Someone who has real feelings for you and wants to start a relationship off right won't pressure you (either directly or indirectly like this guy is doing) to become more intimate, more quickly.
Definitely don't meet him at his house for this third "date"... but personally I'd go even farther than that. Since you're only a few dates in and not madly in love with the guy (at least from what you write), my advice would be to avoid the significant possibility that he's just after an easy lay and move on. You deserve a guy who appreciates who you are as a person and doesn't push for more than you're comfortable with.
Good luck and best wishes :)
...............................
|
