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Things are not working out now that his daughter is in the picture and I'm just not sure what to do

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 March 2018) 2 Answers - (Newest, 13 March 2018)
A female Ireland age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I separated from my husband over 5 years ago. Since then, Ive been raising my three kids alone. They're great kids, sweet, respectful, considerate, they have a great relationship with each other. We've had ups and downs, and we've survived and thrived together. Over a year ago, I met a new partner. He had three kids of his own, all around my kids ages, and my kids love him, and all got on with his three, especially the younger two. The oldest is a year older than my oldest. We were planning to begin building a life together, which wasn't free of its complications, but it was workable. Then his oldest daughter came to live with him, and his attitude to us changed. I was happy to incorporate her into our plans, but shes disrespectful to me, my kids, and to anyone who gets in her way. It's not us working together any more, it feels very much like him and her, then me and mine, there's a separation there and not working towards making us all feel like a family. She refusing to go to school because she doesn't want to deal with the normal things that come up in daily life - not doing well on a test, playground disagreements, sometimes it because she forgot her coat or was wearing the wrong shoes. Then three weeks ago, it hit a peak, when my partner came with her to my home in foul mood, and took it out on me and my kids and yelled at my youngest because he followed my partner up the stairs and didn't realise it wasn't a game, then told his already disrespectful daughter to gather her stuff and put it somewhere safe because my kids would smash it (I do have a rowdy 6yr old boy admittedly, but he'd never break anything intentionally, but the sofa does get jumped on quite a bit! He's 6, what do you expect??). He later apologised and has swept it all under the rug and still wants to carry on with our plans, but my trust in him has been shaken, and I need to consider my kids welfare through this too. While he's been a hugely positive influence, especially to my oldest who felt that he needed to bear the burden of being the man of the house after his father left and now doesn't, I have concerns about his daughter and what effect she will have on my kids if she were to live here. I've worked so hard to get them to a good place and I don't want it undone. But right now, we live in different towns, if we can't make it work, we don't get to see each other from July onwards as his sister has his daughter right now so that he can get himself sorted for a proper place to stay and hes just got himself sorted with work, but her hospitality is being worn away by this kid's behaviour.

Things were really good before his daughter arrived, chances are, she'll go back to her mother sooner rather than later, but there's no guarantee of that. I don't know what to do, let him go to concentrate on his daughter himself, or stick it out in the hopes that she'll pick up and improve, or go back to her mother and sisters. I feel awful for even considering the thought of not including her in her plans, its not that I wouldn't and was never my intention for those of you who think that I just couldn't be bothered, but she's more work on her own than my three put together and I'm very much feeling that I and my three have been pushed aside to suit her whims. By that I mean she won't go out on a pre planned day trip because my younger two might embarrass her by doing normal kid stuff like running around or playing, so he'll take off with her and we're left to our own devices.

Any advice??

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (13 March 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntWhat age is his daughter? I can't really give you advice unless I know are we dealing with a child or a teenager.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (13 March 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntThis is a tough one, your children are your priority and his daughter is his.

Does he recognise his behaviour has changed since she started living with him? Does he acknowledge you and him are not able to relate to each other when she is pulling the strings?

Are you able to provide examples of when she has disrespected you? You need to tell him she is not welcome in your house while she is able to get away with being disrespectful to you and a disruption to the family.

He will either get her to pull her head in (unlikely) or try and hasten her return to her mother.

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