A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:First of all, let me start this by writing that I appreciate everyone's time you spent reading this and sharing my experiences. I will not bore everyone into every detail of my marriage; it won't encompass everything, and everything has two stories. Here is a short version of mine.I met my wife over the internet (I know!); she found me because I lived in a town that her parents were moving to, after selling their home and business.There were huge signals in the beginning that coworkers, friends and family told me that this was not the girl for me. I have only had 3 girlfriends prior, and all of them long-term, so I wasn't mature at all with life.We began exchanging emails, and finally, I gave her my phone number, to call me collect, so I could assure her that I would not have her phone number, until she was ready to share it. We both worked, but I got up very early, and worked most nights until around 8. Usually around 10:30-11 (she would go clubbing with friends 3 nights a week, and sleep late), she would call me, and have long conversations. More often than not, she would go to sleep. Once she was clearly sleeping, I hung up the phone, to go to bed myself. Within 3 minutes, she called me back, SCREAMING at me that how dare I hang up the phone first, she will say when it is time to hang up, and she will do it first! (Not kidding at all! :-(Because I am laid-back and shy, I just let it was over me. When she moved by me, she was ALWAYS late getting to college, so I would get up at 6, and go into the office. At 8 am, I would leave the office, pickup a soda, breakfast and lunch, and drive a 45 minute loop, to intercept her at the school; because she never had enough time to make lunch or pack breakfast.Several times, she showed up at my job, and all of my coworkers told me to "get as far away as possible"; so did my parents.After three months, she said her folks were driving her crazy, and asked to move into my place. When she did, it was ok; but clearly she was trying to "train" me to her expectations.Fast forward to now. Over the years, she continues to brow-beat me, she is very controlling, and my friends, and indeed, my sister; have written me off, as they all apologize, but they just don't like my wife or the way she treats me. She even jokes to everyone, that she finally has me well-trained.So, by all accounts she is very controlling, opinionated, complains about my job (it is a field where a lot of jobs disappeared or migrated overseas). What is funny, is even her friends/coworkers that see me all the time, say they would love to have someone like me, and maybe I can teach their significant others. I know I am missing her account, but my real issue is I feel guilty about leaving, since we are both in the middle to up thirties, with no children, and no house. I feel guilt that she might not be able to find someone else, and have children with them. I know it sounds stupid, when I am so miserable, but I don't want to destroy her; I just cannot see a future where I am with her.
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clubbing, co-worker, her ex, my ex, shy, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): this woman is destroying you.run to the hills and do not look back.is she bipolar or ccrazy?????LoveGirl
A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (7 March 2011):
 Have you ever tried to put your foot down with this woman about any of these things? If so how did it go?If you have tried and tried to get her to see reason to no avail then it is time to cut your loses and move on. Do not feel guilty, that is the trap she has created to hold you hostage in this misery. You owe it to yourself to do whatever you have to do to find peace and happieness in your life. It is not to late for either of you.Many a woman starts out acting like your wife, trying to control the man in her life, and demanding her own way. Only to find she has lost all respect for him. Why? Because he allowed her to do it to him. Maybe she is waiting for you to "man up" to her. She has to know that you are giving her everything she asks for while expecting very little back for yourself in return. This has to stop.But it will take a very strong secure man to change her ways after all this time. So you have to be either strong enough or fed up enough with her to do so. And still want to be with her. If you are not, ready or able to do this. Or if you already know that all the love you once felt for her is gone then it is better for you to just leave.Those are your choices as I seem them. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, jojothemadmonkey  +, writes (7 March 2011):
 I would love to hear more of your story!It is true about it only being one-side of this tale, but remember this Mr Anonymous, plenty of other people warned you about her a long time ago when you first got together! It has taken you all this time to play catch up!One of the things I take from reading your problem is that you are an incredibly thoughtful and giving person. There is a lot of 'should' and 'could' in your statements and by that I mean you are constantly belittling yourself. Take the sentence about meeting on the internet and then the (I know) - as if you think that you're going to be judged a bad person for this. You won't be - it doesn't have the stigma it used to, it's a normal part of modern life. Stop putting yourself down, you sound like a throughly nice and thoughtful chap! You have had 3 long term relationships. You have proved you can stick at something, you're tenacious. But you also have to recognise when something is unhealthy and when it is time to 'let-go'. You owe this woman nothing. She has repaid your love and care with negativity and controlling behaviour. This signs were apparent early on in your relationship - but you sound as if you were slightly in awe of her and didn't recognise them. She put this relationship on fast forward and bull-dozed you into it from what you have said. Take your finger off the pause button now and get out. Press play again when you find your life partner out there. And she will be somebody who truely cares for you, treats you as an equal.Get out now whilst both of you are young enough to move on and you have no ties such as a mortgage or children. I hope this helps a little. You're a nice guy from your account. Stop being a pushover!
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (7 March 2011):
 You either have a life with a controling wife that puts you down and demands to much out of you.You tried giving it a try and talk to her and grows some balls and take control of your life and make your decisions.Or you leave her find your own path and worry about only you. If you decide to split you can't sit down and think what if because in reality the what if don't exist. You have to split if your 100% sure that you don't want to be with her.In my opionion I think you should try to work things out and talk to her and take control of you life. Let her know that if things don't change that your really thinking on a divorce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): you do not have to destroy here but by staying with her you will destroy yourself, i can kind of gurantee you that if you dump her today she will be parting within 7 days of the dump. The only thing that will upset her is that u dumped her and not the other way around.Well on the other hand you like being a slave then i am sorry and rest my case.....Every one has told you do you still need more re-enfoursement? Some times one is comfortable in a situation but changes make life more interesting and you have to live on your own terms, yes give and take happens in any relationship but in your case its just give give ?
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A
male
reader, sam44  +, writes (7 March 2011):
I read your story. I will be honest with you, not to hurt you but in an attempt to open your eyes. You're too nice, and insecure and you have a low else esteem.... which explains why you are compromising your dignity for someone who makes you miserable. You're suppose to feel guilty for letting her treat you so miserable, not for leaving her.And let me tell you.. You are not afraid you'll destroy her and that she might not be able to find someone else. Its you who is afraid because you think you will not be able to find someone else, but you know what? you will. Do not justify this woman, she is making you miserable. Leave her, she will never change. You dont need this, leave before you give her a baby. Count yourself lucky she is not carrying your baby. Mid 30s... you still have a life to live, go out and find someone better, someone who doesn't need to train you. You seem like a good guy, and you'll definitely find someone worth your time. Dont settle for that woman, or else you'll live to regret. At 30 you cant afford to play around with time. Life is too short. Goodluck
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