A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really need some help with a problem I'm having. I'm had low self esteem since I was 11 (I'm in my 20's now) and I have been in therapy for it and although it helped I think its gone back to being as bad as before.The main problem is I read everywhere how guys fantasize about your mates, about celebrities, about porn stars, about so many people and I just can't hack the thought of my boyfriend doing this. I know people will and do tell me I'm stupid and it's just what guys do but I don't see why it's ok. I have a far higher sex drive than my boyfriend and I don't think about doing stuff with anybody else ever, if I did I would feel so guilty and horrible. My boyfriend has told me he would be extremely angry if he found out a fancied a celebrity/watched porn/fantasised about anyone else. So why is it ok when its guys? And how come they don't feel guilty like I do?It puts me under so much pressure to be perfect but I just never feel like I'm enough because he's always just going to do it isn't he? I'd literally do anything to myself (plastic surgury, completely change my appearance etc) if it meant by boyfriend only wanted meI just want a boyfriend who treats me like I treat him and wants it to be exclusive. I love my boyfriend so much I couldn't bring myself to ever do something like that and I just want the same love and respect back but it seems like it's impossible. My boyfriend isn't model material but to me he's the most gorgeous person in the whole world by miles and he's perfect so why WOULD I ever fantasize about someone else?I know people are going to say that that's just guys but how come I don't do it when I have an abnormally high sex drive? Higher than a lot of guys I know!Sorry for such a long question but please reply as I'm beginning to consider dumping my boyfriend and just be alone for the rest of my life as I can't handle feeling like thisThank you for your time :)
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porn, self esteem, sex drive Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, 1290uk +, writes (11 May 2010):
 Sweetheart, if you have a much higher sex drive than him, and you're acting on it, then he probably isn't masturbating, never mind fantasizing about other people!
That aside, you shouldn't feel the need to change for him, if he loves you, then he loves you for who you are, all you are, nothing more, nothing less! If you do, I'd say you should probably go back to a therapist, because either your problems are coming back, or he's not the best person for you. It might be worth him going too, because if he'd be angry if you fancied a celebrity or watched porn, he seems to have the same feelings about it as you. Have you asked him if he does? If he does, then he's a hypocrite, if not, then you can rest easy on that front, but I'd still get back to therapy, just to be safe!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2010): There's a huge chasm of difference between fantasizing about something and really doing it.
I fantasize about ramming other drivers off the road when they cut me off, but I don't do it. I wouldn't really do it even if I knew I would not get caught. But I still fantasize about it during moments of frustration.
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A
female
reader, KS1000 +, writes (10 May 2010):
Perhaps you should try talking to your boyfriend about this. If he would find it a problem with you thinking that way, it's quite likely that he doesn't think that way himself. Either way, he needs to know you find it a problem. Keep up the therapy too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Caringguy for answering so nicely and not telling me that I'm being stupid or whatever :) i think returning to therapy is a good idea.I do get really upset about the thought of my boyfriend looking at anyone like that but the biggest problem is the thought of him thinking other people are sexier than me and maybe using the fantasies to jack off to and stuff. Like sort of seeing me as the boring long term girlfriend and seeing other people as the sexy, hot and fun fantasies :(That kills me :(I mean obviously I recognise that on a worldly scale there's better looking than my boyfriend but in my eyes, I couldn't find anyone I'm more attracted to or that I find sexier, etc which is why I have a such a problem if he does?I hope I'm making sense :/
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (10 May 2010):
You need to get yourself back into therapy. Your low self esteem has come back. You are actually considering dumping your boyfriend for no reason at all, based upon news articles that you've read. Men and women all fantasize about someone else at some point, even if it's just for a second. Actually, it's women who fantasize more during sex. And if you'd do anything such as plastic surgery, then your esteem really needs to be worked on a lot. You do not ever change like that for a man. But to be thinking about dumping your boyfriend for no reason other than a news article shows you need to get back to therapy. You will not ever be perfect, nor will find someone who is perfect. But you will find someone who will commit.
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