A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello all.I have very recently started dating a new man. I am a 41 year old female. For the whole of my adult life I've had 'high octane' dramatic relationships, full of love, pain, and wanting. I have realised I have become addicted to that kind of relationship, and didn;t know any different until now. However, this new man I have recently met is kind, considerate, treats me like a princess, and makes me feel reassured. He has shown me that he can offer me commitment and is going out of his way to do all he can to prove his feelings for me. I should be over the moon. The thing is, is this - my friends say I am not feeling any ' passion'for him, as I do not seem to be excited to be seeing him again,and that I should be more up in the air, and getting butterflies etc. That to me is my old pattern of behaviour and has only ever lead to pain, huge stress, and trying to anticipate the persons next move, as the guys I have dated have often been unreliable, emotionally abusive, and hard to work out.This new man however, is calm , kind and understands and accepts me, but the fact is I am not feeling that huge tug, and 'pine'ing' I usually get, plus it is worrying me that my freinds are noticing that I am not in my usual behaviour pattern with this new one. He does not bring out those anxiety feelings in me, and I am now wondering if I do have 'real feelings for him, as I am not getting my usual ones, and am settling for the safe option? This man can, and has offered me security,freindship and love. I do look forward to seeing him, and enjoy his compnay, as I feel totally relaxed around him, but am I just going for the safe option? or are these feeling real but just different from what I know? does that make them less valid? Thanks Guys and Girls. !! xx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 May 2010):
 Sorry to hear yoour struggling with this.
It's true that some women do get addicted to bad relationships and almost 'enjoy' being treated badly. It's to do with low self esteem and not believing that you deserve better. Don't you look around at happy couples when your out and about, and wish you were in a similar relationship?
It seems this man is offering you the chance. Many people expect to feel a spark at thhe beginning of a relationship, but the things that really matter like love, respect and trust are earned and built up over a much longer period of time. These are the things that cement relationships together.
As you get older the axis of importance also changes. There is obviously a mutual attraction between you but your not giving it a chance because maybe you think you don't deserve it.
Give the man more time and try to appreciate how he is treating you. I also think you would benefit from some counselling to deal with your low self esteem.
Your really lucky!!!
Go with it!!
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