A
female
age
36-40,
*ommyOfOne
writes:Ok... So I come on here regularly and give advice every once in a while, but now, I really need to hear others opinions. I posted this question last night, but didn't get much responce. So, can anyone help? Ok. My boyfriend and I went on a "break" in early November. He stayed where we lived together, and I moved home with my daughter. Shortly after being home, about 2 weeks, he disappeared and was no where to be found for about 4-5 weeks. Truly the hardest thing I have ever been through. Come mid December, he resurfaced, and he seemed to be trying to make everything up to me for the month that he was "gone". From mid December to January 31, I asked him multiple time, "so what happened during that month" "where you seeing someone else?" For about 6 weeks, he would look me in the eyes, and tell me no. He hadn't seen anyone during that time. I reluctantly believed him. But deep down, I knew he wasn't telling me the truth.On January 31st of this year, a mutual friend broke down and told me that my boyfriend had dated her cousin for the month that he was "gone". He never told this girl about me or my daughter who he has raised and calls him "daddy". When confronted, he refused to admit to anything until he realized I knew it all. That's when he finally admitted to seeing this girl. I explained to him that we were on a break, and I would have been ok with him seeing someone else. I just didn't like that I had been lied to, and just HOW I found out...For the first few weeks of February, he was a doll and really seemed to be putting forth effort with us again. I hadn't gotten all my questions answered about this other girl, but I was willing to just let it go. On February 20th, we made plans for a date, and went out to eat, to a movie then to a bar. By the time we got home, I was pretty intoxicated, to say the least. We ended up having sex. My boyfriend and I had decided to get off birth control last year, before things went sour, and since our break, we've just been using condoms and spermicide as birth control. Well, we ended up forgetting that, and having unprotected sex. (We are both in our mid 20s and I don't need to be lectured, ok?) Well, the next morning, when I woke up, I panicked and got the plan b pill before he even woke up. I took it, and didn't tell him. The way I saw it, I'm a grown woman, and this is a personal choice, I should be about to make that decision on my own. Later that night, my boyfriend saw me googling plan b, and demanded to know why. I ended up lying to him, telling him that I had just wandered onto the site. Needless to say, he was pissed that I lied, and when I told him the truth, he never said anything. I explained that NOW wasn't the best time for a baby. And maybe in the next few months that will change. Just not now. It is my choice, right? Anyway, his all happened Saturday. He ended up staying until Monday morning, not saying a word about the plan b pill. I assumed he understood where I was coming from, and that was the end of it. For the last week of February after he left, we talked about as much as normal. Nothing seemed out of the norm. Last I heard from him was February 28th...I didn't begin to worry until I realized he was ignoring my texts. Even "I love you" text messages. After a little more than a week of not hearing from him, I really began to worry. Was he falling off the face of the plant again? Then, a side of me came out that I never knew was there. I did something I never thought I would do. I decided to look up his text history on att.com. I wanted to know if he was messing around again. What I saw, greatly disturbed me. Out of all of his text messages, he was texting one number, pretty much non stop. I could only view about 3 days worth of text messages, but that was enough for me. Come Sunday morning (March 15), I couldn't hold it in anymore, and sent him a text telling him that he was being down right brutal, and that I had seen his text history. That I knew he was receiving my messages. And that it was obvious he was ignoring me. And I wanted to know why. He was getting my messages. He admitted he just didn't want to talk, and that's why he hadn't been responding. (Another lie?) He went on to tell me that he was upset that I never bothered to ask him how he felt about me taking plan b, and that he was upset that I tried to hide it from him. He went on to say that had hurt him. And that he had spent days thinking, trying to clear his head, because the situation had upset him greatly. (Mind you, he wants children badly. It's I who is hesitant and wants to wait.) I ended up telling him I was sorry and never meant to hurt him. I wouldn't have done anything to hurt him intentionally. I was truly sorry... Which I am. Part of me feels it was my choice in taking plan b. But, I honestly never wanted to hurt him. He went on to say that he needs time to think and clear his head. But said, "Im not saying this is permanent." And "things will get better." That he just needed time to think. I am willing to give him that space.My question? I really feel like he is holding this one lie against me, yet, he tells them like they are nothing. Mind you, I've lied to him once. This one time... Am I wrong for feeling like he just doesn't have the right to be mad at me about this? After the HUGE lies he's told me. Am I wrong for feeling that this was a little unfair because he hid his feelings about the pill from me and never bothered to tell me anything? Not until confronted. For two weeks he sat and stewed over this, and never bothered to talk to me. I really feel its unfair. I haven't told him my feelings yet. All I told him was that I was truly sorry. I don't know if I should say anything.I really need opinions, input, advice, anything. I will take it all right about now. If you need anymore input, ask and I will answer.Thank you for you time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): HI. I hope you are doing better. I never had the time to check if you had replied to this answer of ours because I got caught up with some situations that came my way this week. Anyway, I'm the anonymous who wrote the longest answer. I would like to suggest you to read at least one book on manipulative people before trying to understand this man. This is a broad subject and there are a lot of manipulative people out there and a lot of weak people who become their victims. I was too victim of manipulators. Not talking only about boyfriends but about family and friends too. You see our society is so corrupted almost everybody grows up in dysfunctional families. Since childhood we learn some strategies to cope with people because we have been so pressured and mistreated and sometimes abused by our parents (not necessarily sexual abuse) People think terrible things like those on the Talk Shows are the ones that qualifies a family to be dysfunctional, but there are more subtle things that also qualify a family as being dysfunctional. I suggest you to google: "Dysfunctional Families" right now and start accepting the fact that probably you grew up in one. There a re a lot of online quizzes you can take right now. By learning about your problem you'll see that maybe you became attracted to this guy (and others) because they reminded you of your parents. Read about "codependency" too. It's not that you have to hate your parents or that they willingly did you wrong but it is a vicious circle. Your parents weren't taught to love themselves so probably hey didn't show you how to love, accept or respect yourself and/or develop a healthy self esteem, because they don’t' have it themselves. Is there an actress or some other female in your life that you admire? Who is it? A teacher? A neighbor? A woman who's your role model? Do you picture her having a partner who doesn't respect her? No. Why? Not because she is lucky, but because she doesn't accept it. She's after a man who would treat her as the queen she knows she is. How do you picture yourself? As a maintenance lady? As a woman who has to accept whatever a relationship brings her because that’s what you learned from your family? There are problems in any relationship but you are not supposed to live in a chronic trouble 365 days a yr. There are a lot of great books about manipulative people on Amazon.com, ebay.com and Border's, and also good (free) literature online. I think you'll start seeing things differently once you learn about these kind of people, what they do, why they do it and how to get rid of them. Even if you love this guy truly there’s nothing good coming your way with him. You are confused. You can’t love somebody who treats you like this. He mistreats you this much and you say you love him? If you loved yourself just a little you’d dump him immediately. By staying with him you are proving you are not an emotionally stable person. When I said something (the first answer) implying why would you want to have his kid I was referring to the fact that you are not aware of what kind of person you have beside you. I mean you said you didn’t wanted to have kids with him now but What about in the future? I say never. Next time you are alone try to read this: http://www.rickross.com/reference/brainwashing/brainwashing11.htmlRead everything you can about manipulative people I’m sure you will identify yourself with the literature and your eyes will open. Then, you’ll see everything differently. Sorry about my English, it's my second language.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): The fact is that you two have terrible communication and stonewalling has taken up residence in your reltionship and he is contemptuous of you meaning he attacks your personality or character and goes directly to your heart and sticks a daggar there.
This is emotionally abusive, that is where your insecurity comes in, you don't tolerate, you either get out of this relationship or you stop tolerating his abuse and expect him to communicate with you....your relationship is guaranteed to fail, in fact it already is broken completely down, he is disappearing on you.
Frankly, I don't think it is worth it....a break up is probably for the best for you.....
You could ask him to go to couple's counseling to see if you can't repair the relationship communication problems because when you try to do it on your own you are rejected.....it is never going to work, I am sorry.
I know your frustrations and pain because you probably do love him very much, but he isn't a good bet for a relationship, he can't do it for whatever reason.
Some things you can't control, he is going to have to be a willing partner and you may be doing things that don't help too, like shutting down and emotionally distancing yourself.....you do it automatically because you want to avoid pain, but you would do better to go ahead and speak up, his anger or getting pissed off is not going to kill him and it might just clear the air so you can get past the anger.....speak up what do you have to loose?
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A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (18 March 2009):
MommyOfOne is verified as being by the original poster of the question To rythmnblues- I don't speak up because if I do, he gets pissed and says I'm being "bitchy". No matter how calm or nice I try to be. If I come to him about anything, he shuts down and "stonewalls". If I don't let it go, he will end it with, "I'm not going to argue with you." Even if I'm talking calmly. I've gotten into the habit during our relationship to just keep my mouth shut.
I think a few of you misread what I said about having children... We had decided to get off birth control BEFORE things went sour. Since the problems arouse, and he started high tailing it left and right, I've insisted on birth control to prevent a child at this time...
I definitely never saw it the way you guys have. Never noticed that it was my insecurities feeding this cycle. Never noticed the manipulation either.
Now, why is he being manipulative? To get something out of this? What do I do with this whole insecurity thing all of you have stated? Do I walk away, making him believe the ball isn't in his court all the time? I can't talk to him about my feelings, because he immediately becomes defensive and shuts down, ending in the conversation going no where. I do love this man, and want it to work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): It sounds to me like he's seeing someone behind your back and is using the plan b thing as an excuse not to see or talk to you right now. What a manipulative jerk to try and make you feel bad while he's out cheating on you. 6 months ago I was in a similar situation where my BF and I had an argument and he disappeared. I've never seen or heard from him again. While it has been incredibly painful, at the same time I'm glad I saw this out of him before we got married (which we had been talking about). I can't imagine my life with someone who would run away to avoid conflict instead of talking things out and resolving them. This is something you should be thinking about as well. Your life will be miserable with this guy, so it's in your best interest to get away from him permanently, as hard as it may be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): My question to you is why do you think your question is am I right about the Plan B pill and that he has no right to be angry about my lie because he has told more lies?
Why isn't your question, why do I not feel secure and safe enough in this relationship to be truthful about anything and to speak up how I feel at the moment to my partner, and why doesn't he stick around and work out issues?
Your problem is your relationship and the patterns that have taken up residence there, they aren't healthy and your relationship is failing because of it. Your boyfriend sounds really awful to deal with personally, so maybe he is unwilling to change that aspect.
What your question needs to be is how can we better resolve conflict. Not who is right and who is wrong....Take a look at the article below to see what I mean. Good Luck
instead of giving me the stonewall silent treatment
http://www.1stholistic.com/reading/health/health-marriage-and-health.htm
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): No wonder why you didn't received much replies, this story is huge. Try to to summarize next time.
Thank God you took Plan B. You don't want to have a baby with this guy and stay in a relationship with him forever.
Your confusion about what he said and feels makes me understand you are a very insecure woman. Who cares if he wants kids or not? You don't want them now Do you? That's all that matters.
Learn to respect yourself and what you feel before giving respect to what others feel. When you value yourself you don't feel insecure about what you think, feel, say or do. Whatever you think, feel, say or do must be respected by the people who are supposed to care about you. Even if they don't share it. Don't let people tell you what to feel. I'm sure that started at home with your parents Didn't it?
I believe all this Plan B stuff is B.S. and he is messing around. Who was he texting anyway? He knows you are weak and can manipulate you easily so he invents these things to make you feel bad and cover up his wrong doings. I'm not saying it didn't bothered him but So what if it did?
No. He doesn't have the right to be mad at you for the decision you took. Are you going to let this guy manipulate you to the extreme to bring a life into this world you are not ready to have it? Think!
Your self esteem is very low when you become attracted to this kind of guy. Emotionally healthy women know what they want and chose men who respect that.
What kind of silly little game is that one? Disappearing for weeks from one time to another, lying to each other and then thinking about having kids together? Is that what you call love?
Please.
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A
female
reader, Dazed~Confused  +, writes (18 March 2009):
 just like it hurt you when he lied to you, he feels the same way now, especially since he badly wanted children.
All I can say is give him time. I don't think making a decision about your body was wrong, but if you honestly felt it was the right choice for you, then there should have been no need to hide it.
There might also be a bit of manipulation going on on his side of things. He's making you feel bad and you're reaching out to him. He's in control.
Just take a step back, let him sort things out and let thing happen.
Look at it this way: do you want to be in a relationship with a man who's response to a tough situation is to run away? you're willing to give him his space, work things out with him, and all he wants to do is run away and be with other women.
Think about that.....
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