A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend died on November 15th, 2009. The night he died, I found out he had cheated on me and had lied to me about several things. How do I get through this? I dont know if I am more angry that he died and left me OR that he lied and cheated. I had absolutely NO clue either. Talk about adding insult to injury. Any advice, suggestions or input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.Kathy
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): He died, what is more sader than that. He cheated, yes, when he was alive, now it's time to mourn him.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 December 2009):
 Woof, what a gut punch you've had. I'm sorry for your double loss.
I am not an expert in grief or grieving, keep that in mind, but I would suggest that you allow yourself to feel the full expression of your anger toward him. Be angry, stomp and scream and let it all out as you need to in private. Really FEEL it. Say out loud as if to him, all the things you would have said had you had the chance. Don't hold back.
Then cry like hell, and allow yourself the full measure of grief you feel at losing him, and of the tarnishing of his memory for you. Embrace your sorrow.
Get your friends and family around you, and I would suggest that you have at least one or better still two or three people that you can share the awful truth with, so that you aren't having to hide your true feelings.
This will be a day by day, week by week, month by month recovery. Your feelings will eventually settle out to a more bearable level and you'll have some time and distance on this to get more perspective on it.
You don't have to choose which to be more angry about. You can be angry about both things, either at the same time or one right after the other, swinging back and forth. There is no right or wrong in this.
You could try writing a letter to him, laying out all the feelings this has conjured up for you, then have a little ritual where you burn the letter, so that you are delivering the message to him via the smoke and then sprinkle those ashes on his grave. That way you'll get the sense that he's gotten your message. It's probably a dopey idea, but maybe this ritual will give you a way to express your rage at him, give you a sort of closure and you can move on to the next phase of grieving.
Just be forgiving of yourself and don't feel guilty for having these very natural feelings, okay?
Take good care of you, and be sure to lean on the people who love you now. Hugs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): Kathy,What a terrible blow for you! I am so sorry to hear of your loss - compounded by the knowledge that he lied to you and cheated on you.The only way to deal with it is to allow whatever emotions - and as Tigerlily rightly says, they'll be many and varied in intensity - to come as they will and to recognize this is only to be expected. Get all the support you need/want from family and friends. Perhaps consider seeing a grief counsellor to help you through this very difficult time.Perhaps it may help, when the time is right, to remember the good things you and your boyfriend shared and the love (hopefully) he had for you - notwithstanding that you'll be questioning that love, all things considered. If you want to, pray for him, and pray for yourself in getting through this and eventually being able to forgive him (forgiving him will assist in your own healing).Be good to yourself, too!((((( )))))
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (4 December 2009):
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. That is so hard and difficult and painful. You are dealing with grief and betrayal. I think the way you get through it is just one day at a time, one moment at a time. Let yourself feel what you feel. Your emotions are going to be all across the board. You will be angry, sad, lonely, miss him, hate him, and even other emotions you didn't expect. It's even ok to still love him and remember the good times. But the way through is to acknowledge that everything you feel is valid.
Also, don't go through this alone. If you are having a tough day, reach out, open up tell your friends and family you need some support and let people take care of you. Take care of yourself too. And when it's all just too much then distract yourself. Nothing says you have to "deal" all at once.
It WILL get better in time. It just takes time.
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