A
male
age
41-50,
darron66
writes:Hi, I have really messed things up with my partner Sharon of 3.5 years. I moved out of her house at her request just before xmas 2007 because of my anger outbursts (not physical) and tantrums. She has never gone out of her way to annoy me, upset me or push the right buttons to make me like this so I don't understand why I am like I am. We have had a turbulent time with jobs in the time we have been together, her house is in need of work, her son who is 22 finished University back in May 2007 and is now living at home permanently (2's company 3's a crowd) and whilst he isn't a bad lad I found it hard dealing with him as I'd had her to myself for the best part of 3 years. On top of this I am diabetic and she is on hormone replacement therapy after a hysterectomy some 7-8 years ago and has mood swings but doesn't see it, gets tired very easily and has problems with her hair falling out, itchy dry skin and pain in her legs and feet. I have suggested recently that she see the doctor and get a review on her HRT medication. She is on Premarin which I have researched and has mixed reviews from it's users. Anyway, back to the point, I moved out and she agreed to still see me which she has, things were fine for the first month, having dinner at each others places, she has stayed with me once in my new place and we made love for the first time in 3 months. She hasn't wanted to since, which distresses me a little, says she isn't ready for that closeness. We have just had a 2 week no contact break and it tore my heart out but I was determined to give her space which I have. She made contact recently inviting me round to hers for dinner which unfortunately I couldn't make as I'm off work sick. I'm going round in a day or two's time for dinner but she says she wants to take things very slowly and doesn't know about our future. I haven't lost her yet but I feel she is slipping away... should I just take time, it's early days yet, I'm scared I'll lose her if I rush her or pressure her too much. thanks in advance .
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living at home, moved out, university Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, baby duck  + ♥, writes (20 February 2008):
 Thank you, Darron. It's nice to know I said something helpful.
I admire your desire and willingness to make your relationship work. I hope that Sharon feels the same and that you two can work this out to create a fulfilling relationship.
A
male
reader, darron66 +, writes (20 February 2008):
darron66 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Babyduck,
Thankyou so much for a great reply. I have just read it 4 times and you are so right in what you say! You're not my partner Sharon are you ? !!
I am having dinner with Sharon tomorrow evening at her place and will see about asking what she wants from the relationship. It's such an obvious question but one i havent asked ! Am i being selfish by not asking her that ? I guess i am frightened of what her reply will be but then again if she didnt want me surely she would have finished the relationship. I dont think she is the type to string me along gently. I sincerely feel she wants me to sort myself out so that we can continue our life together.
Thankyou so much again, i will ask the question and get back to this site to let you know how i got on.
Best wishes to you too, x
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A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (20 February 2008):
Hmmm. My first impression is that you seem to have a clear view of your situation. You are in touch with your emotions but they have not clouded your your vision. Well done.
You have had discussion of your relationship status, so there is communication. Very good. How about you take the exchange of information to the next level? I realize you are concerned that pushing too hard will blow up what you've managed to save. On the other hand, this 'not knowing' is killing you.
Ask her: What do you want from our relationship?
If she says something vague like "I don't know. Let's just see where it goes," tell her that is not working for you and you're concerned that if you push her for more, you will lose her altogether, but that you need more.
If she indicates that she wants to be with you, but your temper is an issue, don't bring up her moodiness or son's living arrangements just yet. That tells her that you are not willing to listen and that you disregard her concern. Stay on task. Come up with a plan that you can live with, some kind of sign when you start slipping into irrational anger that you need to have a 'time out' or go spend some energy at the track or whatever. Only you can figure that out. Tell her that you are going to come up with a plan and that you'll need her help, like maybe a word that you agree on before hand. Still bite your lip about her issues but be comforted knowing that when she is receptive, you will have a captive audience.
After one of her mood swings, is she aware of what she's done? Is she apologetic? If so, assuming that you have already developed a plan for channeling your anger and maybe even had an opportunity to practice, you could share with her how gratifying it was for you to take control of your problem, your way. You can suggest that maybe she could modify your plan to meet her needs ... she could tell you the signal she needs from you that she's becoming moody.
As for the son ... hmmm. Well, having two in college myself, I can imagine where she is. She does not want to kick him to the curb, but she may be wondering if she's being an enabler. I would let this one simmer on the back burner a bit. You reign in your anger and she masters her moodiness ... and perhaps the son will find a suitable job that allows him to pay off his debts and live on his own. If, after the two of you are firmly in your new habits of controlling your behavior regardless of what you are feeling, the son is still there ... you'll both be in a much better place for developing a plan to help him want to be independent ... want to leave on his own.
One day at a time.
Best wishes.
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