A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I was just wondering..I just broke up with my bf and I promise myself not to stumble with someone like him anymore. But how will I make sure I wont attract the same type of person?Right now, I have met one online. And to be honest, I am hesitant to proceed further.So is finding a mate a trial and error thing? What are the indications this guy is not out for sex only or if he just wants one for fun?Can I find this out before giving away something like time and sex?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): If you want to attract a different kind of guy then you have to change yourself. You cannot change someone else but you can change you. Why or how are you attracting the kind of men that you are? Something within yourself is attracting them.
Why is it that you just broke up with your bf but you are already thinking about sex with someone else? Maybe you are attracting men that are only looking for sex because that is what you are thinking about so you behave in a way that makes them think that is what you want. Take a look at your behaviour or how you dress. What is it about you that attracts them?
I am sure it is something that you are not aware that you do or say, but there is something you are doing. Make up your mind not to have sex soon after starting to date someone. I waited three months so I knew that he was interested in me. Then when we did make love it was out of this world.
He later told me it drove him crazy, but he was so afraid of losing me that he refused to push me. I am not saying that it was easy waiting that long, but I wanted a long lasting relationship not a shallow one. It is worth the wait. By the way, we are now married and he adores me.
Before ending I want to address the question that you asked about what to look for to know his intentions. When you first start dating someone really pay attention to what he says. His intentions are in there somewhere and usually if you are paying attention you will recognise it. Does he talk of sex often? He he inappropriate in any way? Does he leer at you? Does he keep asking to spend a lot of time at his house or yours?
The key is to pay attention to both your behavior and his!
A
female
reader, sparky +, writes (6 August 2009):
 I've been exactly where you're at, doll. I've found that if one wants to stop attracting the wrong kind of man...one needs to figure out why one is CHOOSING the wrong kind of man. Be honest with yourself. Take time to get to know YOU before worrying about a man's intentions and whether or not to put in time or sex. In other words, don't date for awhile.When you have some confidence in yourself and continue growing and pursuing the things that make you happy...it will all work itself out.Hang in there! :)
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (6 August 2009):
 Make him wait to have sex with you! That is pretty simple, you normally find that after about 2 weeks (or 4-5 dates) if you havent had sex and thats all he wants, he will not bother calling you etc and will vanish off the face of the earth. I know it is tempting when you really like someone to give in and sleep with them but once you do that, it changes the dynamic of the relationship. Find some willpower from somewhere and wait to sleep with a guy - then you will find out what he is after!
A decent guy wouldnt push you for sex and he wouldnt mind waiting, whereas a jerk who wants one thing would take every opportunity to get you into bed!
You can also tell their intentions by where they take you on dates - if they always invite you to go round to their house for a movie or something then they just want sex. If he is happy to take you for dinner, drinks, the cinema (all stuff out in public) then he is trying to make a good impression and wants you to like him.
I often think it depends on how you meet too - meeting guys online on a dating site is a decent way to meet people that are serious about relationships. They have paid to be on that site therefore they want to find someone they can see a future with etc. Whereas if you meet in a club/bar etc then you often find that the guy just wants sex or a bit of fun.
It is a bit of trial and error, and you often meet people in places you would least expect, at times when you are not even looking for a relationship. I think it is important to find someone who you share similar values and interests, and online dating sites are quite good for helping you to weed out which ones you would get on with and which ones you wouldnt. But if you want to move away from the online thing then try putting yourself in places you like, doing things you enjoy. For example, if you enjoy art, take an art class. You are going to meet people there who share that same interest and hopefully things would go from there. So getting involved in activities you enjoy means you are more likely to meet someone you share something in common with.
I found this when I joined my local branch of a political party here in the UK. I got involved with the local activity as politics is a passion of mine and one day I met a guy whilst out delivering flyers, we were paired up together and we really hit it off. I wasnt expecting to meet anyone on that Saturday morning but it was great to meet someone who I shared such a passion with.
So while love is often out of our control, there are little things we can do to help it along, and things we can do to make sure we meet the right kind of people. Put yourself in the right places, and eventually you will meet the right man!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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