A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a male, and I was in a long term relationship (7 years) that had a very bad ending a few years ago. The break-up, which I dont really want to get into left me emotionally drained, badly wounded and hating the world. Part of the blame of the breakup lies on me, which made this all the worse.I have to say my ex is a very special women, and after separating from her I lost pretty much all desire in establishing another meaningful relationship or getting back in the dating scene. I find that I compare all women I meet to her, and none I have met come close. My last few relationships since the breakup have only been based on sex, and those type never last long, which is fine.In late March of this year I met and started seeing a very attractive women. I guess the best way to describe her looks is that she looks like she could almost be the twin sister of the actress Eva Mendes (training day, We own the night etc). She is a very sweet natured, and a very honest person, and I told her up front about my bad breakup and that I was really not ready for a girlfriend/boyfriend type relationship, maybe at a later time. So since than our relationship has been basically sexual, I see her about every 2 weeks or so. She has been fine with it, and the sex we have together is amazing to say the least.Recently something changed. A few weeks ago I went to see her, and I cant explain it really, maybe it was the way she kissed me, or the way she was was reacting to the way I touched her, but something really changed. When we were done she was holding me and did not want to let go. She kept asking me to stay with her. When I leave I usually kiss her check, but this time she started kissing me on the mouth and before I left I had to almost pry her arms from around my neck.The next morning I woke up, I felt really weird, and I wanted to be with her. All week I could not wait to see her, and I felt giddy and nervous like when I was dating my ex. We were texting each other all week all kinds of mushy stuff, which I never do. So when I finally went went to see her later in the week something else weird really happened which is scaring me right now. During foreplay everything was good, but when we started the act suddenly I felt my erection slowly going down, and I tried my best to keep it up. I finally knew it was going to go away and I faked an orgasm. I was so embarrassed I was not sure if she knew or not.The same thing pretty much happened the second time, and i am pretty sure she knew I faked it, and the third time I saw her I could not get an erection at all after foreplay, and no matter how hard she tried she could not get it to stay up. I told her that it was not her fault, how hot she was, and that the problem was some new medication my doctor prescribed me, which was a lie. I am so embarrased now and scared to see her that I have made excuses the last couple of weeks so I dont have to face her right now.I know I dont have a physical problem, that I know for sure. The next day after the last incident, my ex came over (we have a daughter together, so we still have contact due to her), and she knows me in and out like a book, and knew something was wrong. She took advantage of the situation, started rubbing against me that way she used to and got me super aroused. I could have gone 10 rounds with her. Of course she was just telling me "look what you will never have again" and being just plain mean. So my point is that I was more than ready after my ex aroused me, but now I seem to be having problems with the women I am seeing right now, who is Eva Mendes gorgeous, and I am probably beginning to fall in love with. Also for the past 5 months I have been having sex with her with no problems until now. It does not make any sense to me at all!Is there anybody else who is having this problem? Is there a person on this forum that maybe has a medical background? I am pretty positive that there is nothing physically wrong with me
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (22 September 2010):
Having the same problem with my wife of 10 years after her affair has helped give me a great deal of perspective... When pain, loss, anger, and fear become the most powerful emotions you are experiencing, it matters very little how hot to trot she may be, or how horny you may be, your subconcious has other ideas.
The real problem starts when it becomes self defeating... You feel the erection start to go down a little, and you begin to fight it. The pressure, the frustration, the contradictory urges, the anger and self loathing, it all builds up, and the erection disappears faster and faster.
This is a problem you can re-train your mind to overcome, but it takes time, patience, perserverance, and a lot of work.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, thanks a lot guys for your feedback. I know I am not impotent...in 7 years with my ex I never once had a problem performing. Just hearing and feeling her react as I touched her or kissed her neck was enough to get me going. The same thing with the girl I am seeing now, for the last 5 months sometimes just her smell (the way she smells is amazing) has been enough. In fact I have to fight really hard to maintain control so I dont orgasm to fast.
This is all really scary stuff for me. This has never happened before. Mabe if it happened once, but 3 times? Empty-1: I hope you are right, and that this is some sort of a mental block, but I hope I am able to over-come this. It really hurts my self confidence, but I am sure it does not help hers as well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): Hey man! It's probably all in your head, and should be all related to the fact that you're starting to have feelings for the girl. Don't worry!
You just have to deal with the problems in your head, so that you can send the anxiety away! As you said, you have been seeing this woman for 5 months with no problem, so...
I ended a 7 years relationship as well 3 months ago. The wasn't that bad, but it's never good right. I still like her, but she wants to have kids and I already have one, so I'm not sure if I'd like to have more. Anyway...that's another thing.
I'm seeing some girls, but I also don't want to start anything new right now. I'm 39, so I'm around your age.
Coincidentally, yesterday I had some erection problems with a girl I have been seeing for a couple of months now...just for sex...good sex. Strangely enough, yesterday I couldn't do it right. And I think it was because she went to my house, instead of me going to her place! I think that actually felt stranger for me, as I didn't bring anyone to my place, even though I'm single for some time already.
So...don't panic...and if you really like the girl, talk to her. I'm pretty sure she'll understand you and will try to help you! You had good sex with her up till now...there's no reason not to continue like that!
Calm your mind down!
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (20 September 2010):
you are correct - there is very likely nothing wrong with you - physically.
Your mind is your most potent and powerful sex organ you possess. It has powers and potentials that most people are simply and utterly unaware of - and this is one of them!
Somewhere in the dark recesses of your mind, the parts that don't talk to you in words, you detected an emotional investment in this woman you're seeing. Worse yet, you also detected an emotional investment she is forming in you.
This does not at all sit comfortably with the parts of your mind that associate those sorts of bonds with pain, insecurity, jealousy, anger, hurt, and so forth. The last time you allowed yourself to get into a mutually emotionally invested relationship, it hurt like hell, and this is your minds next line of defense against that sort of pain from ever returning.
There are two ways to deal with this successfully. You could dump this new girl now, and go on having meaningless flings for the rest of your life. If you do this, be warned that this problem will never really go away - it will just be masked with lust until the next time you start having the same problems.
Or you could talk with this girl. Tell her more about the breakup. Confide in her that you are having this problem, and explain that it is about fear and insecurity. Ask for her help, her patience, her understanding, and her affectionate assistance. Together, the two of you can conquer this problem.
Some pointers to get you on the right path,
You need to understand that this is the working of your subconcious mind trying to protect you. This does not reflect on you at all poorly as a man or as a sexually potent individual. Rather, this reflects very powerfully on the sheer force of will your mind can bring to bear, overriding the animal instinct to breed with the emotional instinct to protect.
Your girlfriend will need to understand that this is not about her. This does not reflect poorly on how attractive she is, it does not at all reflect poorly on how well she turns you on. This is a sign that you are beginning to fall for one another, and your subconcious self is very much afraid of ever doing that again.
Finally, this will likely take time. As you feel it beginning to happen, frustration can set in, pressure to perform builds, and these two responses will make the problem even worse, losing the erection faster. That's the time to take a break, snuggle up, hold one another, and maybe let her try with her hand or mouth if she feels so inclined.
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