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Straight girl gay guy, best friends? or more?

Tagged as: Friends, Gay relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 January 2009) 2 Answers - (Newest, 10 February 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I cant tell anyone I know :( and am so sorry that its lengthy but have a lot of complications!

* Am I in love with my gay best friend?

* Is my gay best mate not gay?


*We're 22, *, best mates for 7 years and Still going strong. *dated briefly when 16,* both have been in other relationships

Age 18 - told me he was Bisexual.

Age 19 - said he was Gay.

Everyone was shocked,you simply wouldnt guess, he's not camp in anyway, his mannerisms, looks, everything is straight! (except most gays are gorgeous and he is inside and out!)

Age 20- broke up with a boyfriend I was serious with, hit rock bottom (thought he was the 'one' ) at a difficult time and he got me through it :)made us closer.

Age 21- we went on holiday, but I found myself getting urges to do more than our usual kissing flirting playfighting..then from the second night we'd be kissing and we#d sleep in the same bed naked but I couldn't actually let us go further than kissing because all i was thinking in my head was the fact that isn't he gay?


Age 22 - We both moved home,see eachother 24/7.

- everyone assumes we're a couple (ashamed to say this but I relish that)but thats happened for years now! We spend as much time as possible together, we are definately soul mates in how our personalities and interests and beliefs match, we know eachother insideout.

- but I'm finding myself getting jealous with certain things which I find weird as I am very laid back.

- we have discussed living together

Im confused as to if he is gay as

- he always tells me he loves me more than anything

- He initiates the affection, and then I respond

- he's so controlling, jealous and possessive about me, he hates it for example if I see other friends and do things without him. He doesnt like to see me other guys who are friends or men who show an interest in me.

- he would do absolutely anything for me and always does what i ask of him ( and I do with him)

- he's been with more girls than boys, and only had 2 short term relationships with guys!!

(sorry!)but I dont know this stuff - when he sleeps with a guy he has only given, never received does that mean he is truly not gay?

he has no intention to receive either he said.

he said ' if i was totally straight, we could not be mates you know cos i'd want to be with you'.

So basically, is he gay, or is he confused with his sexuality? Or is he bi? The lines in our relationship are so hazy - we're best friends but behave like a couple, more so the couple side each day, I dont know what we are exactly. I don't think its normal we behave the way we do, Im sure things would go further if I let them, but ive always managed to get out of it, purely because I dont want to lose everything we have, i can't take the risk, but it's driving me nuts because I think that the way he feels dictates how I feel, eg. if he was solidly gay I'd love him purely as friend. But if he isn't, am I just repressing romantic feelings that would then come out when I know the truth? or more simply, is he filling in a void as I am single?

please help, I'm finding it hard to be around him at the moment and I cant make sense of anything with or without him around!

Thank you xx

View related questions: best friend, broke up, flirt, jealous, kissing, on holiday, soul mates, soulmate

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2009):

oh boy do i know how you feel!!! but it's hard the best thing to do is cut your losses! this guy told you he was gay - harsh i know - it broke my heart too not so recently!!!- this guys possesive behaviour is out of line,he knows how you feel about him and he shouldn't be initating anything romantic between you two at all it's like rubbing broken glass and battery acid into the wound!! it hurts, it's not right and it's not fair on you. sweetie you sound like a girl who deserves so much more you deserve a guy who will love you and want to be with you. just take a big step back from the situation tell him he's being the biggest a***hole ever and that you can only have a friendship with him and that you want to move on and find someone who A) wants to love and have a fulfilling relationship with a woman and B) wants to love and be in a fulfilling relationship with you, and that it's so unfair and he is the GAY ONE - don't let his problems/ confusion become yours- you have a life to lead and you are missing out on a particular guy who will be coming into your life soon who will have just as equally strong connection with.

my advice leave him to his hissy fits and confusions!! go out there head held high (even if it aches to let this guy go) a big smile on your face and remember you deserve the best, and that it's HIS DOWNFALL not yours!!

now always bear in mind that a soul mate does not have to be someone who you are romantically involved with, its a bonus if they are. it's just another name for a deep connection with another soul, yes this guy is likely to be that "other part of you" he is just another counter- part of your soul someone to ride lifes hi and lows with, trust me everyone needs to have at least a few of those whether its for a life time or a second.

i wish you all the best take care big hugs Gemma

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A male reader, The old Man? United States +, writes (25 January 2009):

The old Man? agony auntThe first red flag that you sent up was that

"- he's so controlling, jealous and possessive about me, he hates it for example if I see other friends and do things without him."

That will only get worse! It's great that he wants to spend time with you, but getting upset when you see other friends without him. Mmmm, that's not good! That sort of behavior can lead to violence. I know, he's your mate, and he really likes you and is good to you. But keep in mind that every abusive relationship started out with the feeling of "he'll never hurt me"!

Jealousy is a very ugly thing, and nothing good comes of it!

As far as his sexuality, and him telling you that he has only given, but never received. Let's look back at his jealousy. If he thinks that if you knew he received would a deal breaker with you, do you really think he'd be honest about it?

2nd. No matter if he gave or received,does not determine bi or gay. He is BI ! Bi means he like both men and women. Giving vs. receiving, determines if he is top or bottom. Meaning top gives, bottom receives.

He. my dear is your confusion! Being that the two of you are still young, him not understanding his sexuality can be something he battles the rest of his life. He may decide that he wants to be with you, and tell you that he will not be with any men, but the truth of the matter is that he will always have these tendencies. That's what Bi is! In time, he will go back to playing with men.

Do you want to put yourself in the position where 5 years from now, you guys gave a child together, he says to you that he is going somewhere with one of his guy friends. Next thing you know, they are "sleeping together"? Meanwhile, your needs aren't being met. That's when things could get bad. He'd know that he isn't giving it to you, but yet, he'd know that you like it. So, "Where is she getting it"? If you are or you aren't, in his eyes, you are!

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against gays or those who are bi. But unless both parties are bi. and completely fine and open with it. I don't see that as a healthy relationship. Especially with the jealousy that you mentioned.

If I were in your shoes, I'd keep him as a friend, and a friend only! No sleeping in the same bed, no kissing,no holding hands, none of that!

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