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female
,
anonymous
writes: Dear cupid, My name is maria. I'm a 19-year-old college student and I just went through a break-up that really broke my heart. This might sound too upfront but I was hoping you could give me some advice on the recent break-up I went through. I have read all your articles and the one that most grabbed was the one about lack of passion in a relationship because that is the reason my ex-boy friend told me as to why we broke up and I'm just confused as to why there was a lack of passion when I thought it was there. he's 20 years old and his name is steve. The way we met was at a dance. I go to a university that's right next to his university. I am part of the ballroom dancing team at my college and he's part of the ballroom team at his college. Back in the fall our college's had a combined dance event at a restaurant and that's where I met him. We had instant attraction right away, he danced with me for a good amount of time, we had great chemistry! He was very charming and suave saying things like you're so beautiful. I had to leave early and he never asked for my number. Anyway later on that week, as fate has it the president of my team said that we will be taking classes with the neighboring university ballroom team(the one that steve goes to). That sparked my interest because i knew I would see this guy again. So i come to class and he sees me and we start talking. Before I left, he went up to me and asked me for my number. So I gave it to him. Anyway, he didn't end up calling till a month later which kind of puzzled me as to why he waited so long. I mean I saw him in class during that month, but I never went up to him because I believe that if he really wanted to talk to me he could go up to me, I was playing hard to get by not acknowledging his presence until he acknowledged me first because i know how much guyz like challenges. So he ended up calling me one night to go to a club with him and some of his guy friends. So I took a couple of my girlfriends and it was a fun night but some thngs i observed during the night was that, he danced with other girls too. I, however only danced with him and other girls. So i'm like whatever, I think he was being a tease in a way. So the night ends and I'm being the typical girl thinking things like oh this guy is so great, he's smart (goes to ivy league school, majors in finance and economics, very into science and math, he really enjoys that stuff), handsome, russian , jewish(these two things are very important becuase i only date guys from my hertiage), dances well, funny, happy. I felt that we clicked really well. But he never called again after that night, and i wasn't going to call him since i still want to be mysterious. I was confused because i didn't understand why this guy didn't pursue me I mean everything that I described about him, I have those qualities too or so I've been told (trying to be modest here) lol. It seemed like he was playing hard to get too. I'm thinking why wouldn't he go for me, he seemed like he really was drawn to me so I just blamed on that fact that he's still young and he doesn't want a relationship right now. So I forget about him. So for the next couple months I hear no word from him, I stopped going to classes because I had a tough semster and didn't have time for dance and I also got new boyfriend. This new boyfriend I will leave out of the story because it was a 3month relationship that ended awkardly but I'll go into that later. Anyway 2 months later, out of the blue, I get a phone call from steve inviting me to his birthday party for that weekend. I told him I couldn't go becuase I was already going to another party which I honestly was but I didn't mention that fact that I have a boyfrined, for obvious reasons( I was curious to see if steve would pursue me for another date). But he didn't for a while at least. I vowed myself to forget about him and that he's just not that into me and I'll focus on this new boyfriend. But then 2 months later, he calls again this time inviting me way in advance for another party that was going to be after a dance show. It so happened I couldn't go to this party either becuase I was going to a bat mitzah that day. I was defintely being a challenge without even trying because he was calling me and the two times he invited me I was busy. So once again that was that ,I said couldn't go we talked for a bit and it was really a fun conversation full of wittiness and charm. I really thought we clicked but he still didn't pursue me more. So by the next month, my bf, which I started having problems with, went on vacation for a week and during that week I was invited to go on a boat ride that was hosting this event where jews from neighboring universities could meet. I decided to call steve and invite him (me thinking what the hell, why can't i be friends with this guy if he won't pursue me romantically) So I call him up and he ends saying he would love to go but he can't because he has to give dance lessons for a show that was going to be held for that weekend so he couldn't miss these lessons. So I'm thinking , whatever I guess we're not meant to hang out. But then a week later he calls me to invite me to his school's spring fling and to watch him dance in a quick show and afterwards go to a party. So of course I say okay and I saw him dance that night, he was very good. Something about him always attracted me. He's so charming and he always looks so happy. I really like that in a guy becuase that's what I'm all about but I kept on telling myself to be aloof , mysterious, but very friendly to him becuase I wanted him to do the pursuing. So after the dance we go to a couple parties with some of his guy friends. During that night, he asked me "so I hear you have a boyfriend"( he found out from one of his guy friends who I told) and I say "yes i do", and then he says "did you have bf when we went out to that club (months ago)" and I say "no i didn't". So he asks how we were doing and I was about to say fine but I couldn't help but saying that we were having problems which we really were. Then I ask him "what about you, any girls since then" and he says yea there were two and one of them broke his heart. Now what I found interesting was that one girl was american and the other was asian. I ended up asking him why he doesn't go for russian girls and he said it's simply because he just hasn't found one that isn't snobby. Of course, I'm thinking until you met me. So after the party he invites everyone to see a movie at his dorm but it ends up being only me and him since everyoen wanted to stay at that party. So we stop by a cafe and have milkshakes. So as I'm getting to know him more I find out that we have so much in common. We both have the same outlook in life, we're optimistic, we came here when we were 5 from russia, we both don't like movies becuase we'd rather being doing the stuff they show than watching it, we both keep kosher, we have so many similarites it scares me! We're both very charming and goal-oriented, smile alot. I ended going back to his dorm and we ended up taking for like 4 more hours. It was crazy It was so easy to talk to him like we had such a connection in terms of how similar we are! We even have the same problems for example we both have the problem of always trying to please everyone when we know that's really impossible. He has a little sister who really cares about. I haev a little nephew who I really care about. In terms of relationships, we both feel that there shoudl be that mystery in a relationship like you shouldn't be calling everyday and saying waht you ate and did. Just the way we think, it's all so similar!!! I felt like by the end of the night we were both thinking we should be together. So he calls a taxi for me and we kiss on the cheek (like europeans do) and that's that. So I come back to the dorm thinking I just met the love of my life and that I need to break up with my bf becuase obviously he's not the guy I should be with. So I decide to write steve an e-mail becuase i remember I told him I have pictures of me and him from that night we first met at the dance and he told me to send it to him. I guess in that way I made the mistake by making the first move but I just felt like we were meant to be and that's all that mattered and I didn't want him to be intimidated by the fact that I have bf....silly me! I should have realized that if a guy really wants you, nothing will stop him and I should have just given him time to make his move. Anyway so I wrote an e-mail saying this:"Here are the ssssscandalous pictures i've promised, i think u'll like them esp. one in particular (in other words the one where cleavage is present ;) btw it was really great talking to you last night, it's a shame though we should have been having that conversation in the fall, we could have gotten to know each other alot better earlier but it's funny how life works out that way but at least we're talking now .......anyway hope u enjoy the pics as much as i did lol and good luck with ur term papers!" So he e-mails me back saying:You definitely turned an evening termed by most as a complete failure (lack of deodorant at naked party, girl orgy at ballroom party, and worst of all, hearing steve?s voice at Karaoke) into a memorable one that I will remember always but to be fair, it seems you add that unforgettable charm to every occasion. The fall was a different chapter in my life, and if we had had this in then, it would not have been as mysteriously intimate. All that happens is for the best, so please don't ponder over the what if's and keep living and loving life in the present. Anyways, something tells me our paths will cross again. Keep smiling, keep laughing, and never lose that zest,steveP.S. The pics were quite hot, though I thought we should change some of the names.So of course I totally fell in love with this e-mail and he put cute little titles under the photos and in the last picture he has a lipstick mark from another girl and he writes "too bad it wasn't from her" (he was referring to me) and I thought that was so cute. So I decide to write to him again which I shouldn't have becuase I should have let him pursue me but I got ahead of myself:"You really know how to put a smile on my face:) I think the newnames of the pictures give them a lot more meaning lol esp. the last one ;)Anywayzzz I'll be around Penn on thursday to get photos developed (Iusually do one-hour photo) so since I'll be in the area, and it shouldbe a pretty nice day then, maybe we could go grab lunch:) Also I thinkI left my copy of the video at your place. If we do meet, can u bringit along? I wouldn't want such talent (lol) to go to waste (in otherwords, I promised friends I'd show them the video).Talk to you soon"So then he writes back this:My darling maria, Hmm... so tempting...Let's analyze the situation, you know, apply those NPV's and Betaanalyses:* a 100+ page team paper due Monday, with a 20 minute presentation thisFriday* a Final this Thursday at 3* a meeting with a friend Thursday afternoon to finish off a "love" poemfor a mutual friend's birthday* two weeks worth of Advanced Complex Analysis problem sets due FridaySo, to make a long story short, and to stop the endless whining...I'll see you at 11:00 on Thursday :-)Any particular place tickles your fancy? Pizza Salom isn't bad, though I'm open for new experiences if you have anysuggestions.As for the projects:Hey, if worst comes to worst, and the professor gets really stressed outover the project, I'll just forward him your emails and then (no matterhow much he tries to resist) he will soften up and smile and it will allbe OK. It worked on me, didn't it?As far as the video goes, it will first have to pass through theofficial "Steve can't look like a COMPLETE idiot" censors before itleaves my room.:-)Ciao,steveSo I write back saying:U're too funny and sweet! I love reading your e-mails:) For thursday,I have a final till 12 so I wouldn't be able to do it till then, now iknow u said u have to meet a friend on that day. Sooo if 12 isn't goodthen i'm free tomorrow from 10 to 12:30 or from 2 to 5. Whichever oneis fine for me:) The pizza place sounds great. Oh and with the video,dun worry since we all looked pretty messed up, it's all goooooood:)He writes back saying:I'm afraid this won't work out after all. I'm meeting with a professorat 10 tomorrow with class until 12, have a quiz tomorrow at 1:30 andclass until 4:30; and I cannot rearrange Thursday any other way thanksto all the whiny stuff I mentioned previously.I apologize for my crazy schedule, but I'm sure we'll think of somethingsoon.Have a sweet and dreamy night,SteveSo Me being the nice person I am decide to assure that it's fine which I shouldn't have becuase then it assures him he has me and that's not being challening and guys love challenges:Dun worry about it, totally understandable. Good Luck with everything!:) n' hope you have a good passover this weekend. I know I will, I finally get to see my adorable nephew who I haven't see in such a long time!ttylSo anyway we don't talk for a while and i rememebr mentioning it to him that my b-day was coming up so I was curious to see if he would remember. So then comes the day before my b-day and i couldn't stop thinking about him and wondering if he'll call. So at exactly 12 AM i get a phone call from him saying "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" that was so sweet of him to call exaclty when it turns the day of my b-day and he tells me to come outside in 20 minutes. I start getting so excited and he comes out of the taxi looking so suave with a nice oufit on and and a big beautiful red gerber daisy he takes to me to a cafe and then we walk in nearby park. That night i told him i broke up with my boyfriend(implying that i'm free) and i ended the night with giving him a kiss on the cheek and that's it. So i totally fall head over heels for this guy and so to make the story somehwat shorter we started going out. We had the kind of relationship where we didn't call each other everyday in fact we hardly talked he was busy and so was I and when we were with each other, we could be silent for a while and it was perfectly ok, we just clicked so well. It also was finals for him so he had to study alot, we kept that mystery there. He wrote me e-mail saying " my darling, I miss you and really want to call you, but I know that then I won't beable to hang up for hours (and will probably somehow end up at yourdoor). I really must focus... and thinking of you is killing me... you're a badinfluence :-) " I mean they were so romantic. He did so many romantic things for me, he bought my twin sister and i dozen roses each for my birhtday party. He drove all the way from home to my dorm(45 mintues difference) just to give me soup, tissues, and candy when i was sick. He took me to really nice and interesting places, he even got me a professional photo shoot because he knew i always wanted one becuase everyone tells me i should be a model but i'm not allowed because my mom is over protective and she's thinks it will attract the wrong kind of attention. He introduced me to his parents when I spent the day with him and his little sister when they were visiting him. His little sister totally fell in love with me and I'm sure his parents were happy that he finally met a nice, beautiful , russian jewish girl. I mean I felt like we were perfect for each other. I mean I was suprised that he didn't say I love you to me yet but I thought he just needs more time. I must admit he did all of the work in the relationship, he planned all the dates until one day he actually told me that I should plan the next date becuase he's planned all of them and he's tired lol. But i wanted to still be a challenge for him becuase i thgouht if i started calling him more or planning the dates then the challenge would be gone for him and he would know he had me. I mean my thinking was that as long as i didn't cheat and was caring towards him , a good girlfriend then it was fine. But i felt bad since he was doing alot the date planning, so I planned a beautiful day in the park with him , i cooked him a nice picnic. we played some sports and walked around. It was great. Later that week we talked and he said he was going to reconnect with his frinds the following weekend. Now I 'm thinking "what! , we hardly see each other during the week and he won't plan to spend the weeken with me" as you probably thought i was angry but i didn't show it. I decided that i'll give him his time to spend with his friends and see how long it takes for him to call me. He doesn't call me till a week later! so he starts the conversation saying "hey stranger" and i say "hey stranger back" me thinking how dare he say that, he's the one who didn't call me. So we talk, i act somwhat aloof and end the conversation qucik, i wanted him to get the message that i'm not ok with him just calling me a week later saying everythings fine and just inviting me to go to a party with him that weekend. I decided to tell him i already have plans for the following weekend. I wanted to see his reaction. So i end the conversation thinking that he's gonna call me back agian the next day realizing that he might lose me if he keeps this act up....but he doesn't call me! so this frustrates me even more. I'm thinking doesn't he know he could lose me! So I decide to call him and speak up. I say to him "so i don't know about you but lately i feel like we've been drifitng apart" and he said he agreed, and i'm like "so what's going on, i udnerstnad you spent the weekedn to see your friends but you don't evne care just to call me to see how i'm doing or to say hi.... i feel like we're just seeing each other like we're not bf and gf...are u ok with this type of relationship I mean i undersatnd you dont' want to talk everyday but a week? that's a bit much to not call and see how i'm doing" And then this is where he talks about what he wants . He said he wants more passion, fire. he said he has been analyzing our relationship liek crazy for the past week (jsut like i was), i mean even to the point he made a checklist and he said how he doesn't know what he's doing, he's not an expert in relationships, he just seemed really frustrated. He said he's stuck and hasn't come up with a solution. So then he starts takling baout what he wants and what the problems are. He wants more of a challenge. Like he wants more spontanienty. I think he didn't call that week before because he was waiting for me to give him that spontaneous call and say "hey lte's go somewhere now". But to me that's not being a mysterious girl because it's making it too easy for him because then he knows i want him. He says we're too similar, like we have to much of the same values and we both think too much. Like for dates we both plan too much. He thinks i'm too conservative for him like he feels constrained when he's with me. He says when it comes to love there should be passion like if he's in a room with all these girls he wants that incentive just to see me! I'm thinking there isn't enough incentive now??? I mean I don't get it he finds a beautiful, russian, jewish, down-to-earth, funny, smart, sweet girl (those are hard to find) why he wouldn't he be all over me? Maybe i'm too perfect for him? Maybe i'm too much of what mom wants, and i remeber him saying he wants to stay away from being a mama's and papa's boy which he used to be. I mean is it a bad thing that were so similar? I just don't get it! He then said i hate to do this but i feel like you're asking for examples so he gave me the example of when we were in the park and we were playing frisbee and some geese crap got on it and it got on my hand so i kinda started freaking out, saying "hold on let me get a tissue, this is disgusting" . I mean i was jsut being a girl. But he said he didn't like that like I guess i was being too uptight but come on! i mean just that one little thing annoyed him, i'm thinking is that all he got out of the picnic that i planned, i mean we had so much fun! what the hell? this guy is being so picky! he wants freaking perfection, and i told him i was just kidding around but then he's liek "but u did it twice" and then he gave the example of one day when he said let's go to the shore tommorow and i said ok, that'd be great! but then he call the next day saying that he couldn't convince his dad to take the car. So i say it's ok next time then. But you know what he tells me, he says he would have wanted me to be like " no screw your dad, let's go!!!" to him that would have been the challenge, how do we get to the shore?? but i'm thinking uhhh, wait a minute isn't that called being a bitch to him! is that what he wants, a girl who will be a bitch to him!. I mean i just dont' get it becuase i thought i was being a challenge by not being all over him and being a little more mysterious and held back. Then it got me thinking even though i didn't plan any dates maybe i wasn't being a total challenge because i never ended the dates and phone calls first, he did all that which means i didnt leaving him wanting more. He suggested things like maybe we should take a break or let's try again. It seemed we didn't want to end the relationship we just didn't know how to satisfy each others needs. I'm just so confused beucase i thougth we were meant to be but then he says he wants more passion(and it hasn't nothign to do sexually i'll tell why in a bit) so i'm thinking ok he wants spontanienty. I told him to come to my house that night so he comes and we hang out at the playground. We have a good conversation full of fun and wittiness and i'm all mysterioius to him by going about the playground not following him around making sure he follows me around in a way I wanted him to try to chase me in my last efforts to save the relationship. So when we get near each other i mean we hug each other and i'm wondering why he won't kiss me and we were about to but then he says he doesn't want this just to be sexual and i'm thinking sexual? we haven't even done anything besides kiss? so i'm confused by that and then he says "this won't work" and that's when it hit me that he's ending it with me. So I don't say anything becuase i know asking why why or nagging him wont' work if he says it then that's the way he feels it even if i think he's being stupid and doesn't realilze what mistake he's making. So we simultaneously walk back to the car and he drops me off and i just get out of the car saying peace and that's it. He doesn't drive off right away he waits a little bit and i'm thinking god please make him realize what mistake he's making and chase after me but he doesn't and he drives away once i'm inside. It's been 2 weeks since then and no word from him. I miss him and i don't know waht to do becuase i feel like we were meant to be. I'm trying to think of everything as to why he left maybe it's becuase he's young and he justs needs to get hurt a couple of times to realize what he lost, or maybe we are too similar and he got bored of me, or maybe he needs some girl who will just be a lot more spontaneous and wild crazy not conservative, or maybe he thinks that i'm the kind of girl he sees marrying but because we're so similar in our backgrouds it scares him because of the whole forever with the same girl thing...he still wants to have fun maybe. I dont' know! i'm so confused I was hoping you could help me out, it seems like you'd have a lot of insight. I also forget to mention that he likes being by himself alot, he enjoys spending time with himself like he'll go to an orchestra performance just by him-self, he's very independent...maybe he enjoys spending time with himself too much and i'm not a big enough spark for him to fall madly in love with me. I thought by me being conservative, i'll be a challenge that way but I guess I was too simple in that way. Also, if it helps to know this relationship only lasted two months. I would really reallly appreciate your thoughts on this. I want closure and i just dont' feel like its there because i dont' understand him. I appreciate your time for even reading this. Hopefully I will hear from you soon.Thank you!!!!,maria
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reader, Ellen +, writes (15 July 2005):
Maria, you are a very smart person. That much is evident in your writing. It is a good idea for a girl to think about her actions and how they come across. It is important to not seem too clingy, not too submissive, etc. BUT sometime you just need to be YOU and not plan and chart and graph soo much. Us girls spend a little too much time trying to be coy and play games and such. You two will probably run into each other at your dancing clubs and other activities. It sounds maybe as if the timing maybe off for the two of you at this time. Live life. If you want to call Steve after not speaking for three days then call him!! You don't always have to worry about being mysterious. It sounds like this is the beginnning of a true friendship that could last for years and years to come even if you aren't "boyfriend and girlfriend". Who knows what the future can bring. You said yourself that your backgrounds and culture are very similar. Well maybe if Steve is not the true love of your life then maybe you will that man thru Steve but Steve can still be a great part of your life. You both have so much going on in your lives. It is not the end of the story unless you choose it to be. It sounds as if it could still turn out to be a fairy tale. The important thing is that you live your life to the fullest and be as happy and successful as you can be. It doesn't have to be so cut and dry if he doesn't want to fall in love today. It took me 8 years to to realize who the love of my life was and he was right there all along. The timing was just off and it was oh so worth the wait. I was not and he was not the people we are today. You and Steve are both young and there is time.I do hope this helps a little. Please try not to spend too much time analyzing this as us girls seem to like to do too much. Best of luck to you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2005): The problem is not you...it's Steve. You did all you could to be nice without overdoing it. Most men would love your attentions but Steve is looking for someone who excites him more. The sad thing is..he may never find her. Steve is immature and you need to realize you did nothing wrong. Try to move ahead with life and find some man who appreciates your kindness and sexiness...and likes you for just being you. Some men like Steve prefer the challenging, bitchy ladies and some guys out there would adore you for just who you are. Steve's loss...their gain. Frankly, I am one of the "nice" girls (not overly-drooling nice) but strong and respectful with others. I am in a wonderful relationship with an amazing man who appreciates me just the way I am. At one point, I did date a man who loved the exciting (??) bitch types...I ended it after 6 months. He was just to exhausting to be around. He tested me all the time-trying to make me angry with him..playing immature mindgames. In a perfect world, a "nice" woman should have men lined up at the door. However, it's human nature in many men to long for the girl who drives him crazy rather than the one who'd drive him to the dentist for root canal. Some gals take it too far and will act like an eager pup --panting, begging and fetching -- and you'll likely be treated like a dog.
I'm not saying to nix the niceness, because that is just you. Remember, be true to yourself. Until you really know a guy super well, do the niceness thing but do it in moderation. For instance, if a new beau is overwhelmed by bills, treat him to dinner, not your bank account. Let him know you're strong...not afraid to say NO..but remember to be just sexy and fun..like you always have been.
And get that "what am I doing wrong?" mantra out of your head! If that's your inner attitude, I'd bet my bank account that's your outward demeanor as well. Keep telling yourself that any man would be lucky to have a prize like you and eventually, you'll believe it.
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reader, pops +, writes (14 July 2005):
He doesn't want to extend your relationship. If you won't ask him the reasons " why", we can't guess either. Why are you obsessing of this? There are other men out there, and probably one that will think you are best thing since sliced bread. Go out and find him. Forget steve. pops
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