A
female
age
41-50,
*iamsMom79
writes:I really need to know if I'm right in this case because if not, I do want to apologize to my husband and his friend. Basically, his best friend, we'll call him D, lived with us when we were first married. Actually, my husband owned the house and he shared it with D, and D didn't move out when I moved in. Anyway, D and I became friends (sort of), but he was definitely more my husband's friend (naturally). He got a front-row seat for each of our arguments, conversations, etc. He was totally intrusive, but at the same time, sweet. Last Friday night, D and I had a HUGE fight because I don't like the way he talks to me. He came home from work and I said, "Hey, D, how was your day?" He responded, "When are going to move this s*** out of the kitchen? Other people live here, you know!" I was taken aback, but not surprised as D talks to me like this every once-in-a-while.Where I'm hurt is that my husband didn't stick up for me. I lost a lot of respect for my husband in this and now I don't know what to do. I don't look at him the same. I was raised by strong men who defend their partners against whomever, friend or not. To wind the story up, my husband and I have been fighting over this for days. I'm STILL not talking to D. I guess my main question is this: Am I wrong to have expected my husband to back me up? If so, how should I deal with it? Apologize? How do I make sure this doesn't happen again because I'm not going to be a doormat for D, but my husband continues to take his side. Please help!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): I would say he should stick up for you, i mean you are his wife and should be worth it, especially if D is being a jerk to your face.I think he should be taking your side because you should be his best friend too.
A
female
reader, abbeymom  +, writes (29 August 2008):
 You tell him exactly what you told us. "I was raised by strong men who stand by their partners and don't allow others to step on them."Your husband might be feeling because you sound like a strong woman yourself you can handle yourself with D. My husband is like that. I'm a big mouth at times (not that you are) but I won't and refuse to be treated with disrespect. However just because I can handle myself doesn't mean I don't want him to step in to show he supports me.You just have to say to your husband. Look I don't want to fight about this anymore, I love you and I love our life together. It's not right D comes between that whether he is your friend or not. You married me.And I would not apologize to D, but simply say. I am not going to argue with you anymore on these matters. If you continue to talk to me this way in my own house you may feel free to pack your bags. Let your husband know you are not going to stand for this.I realize this is his friend. But it is time your husband take a stand especially when it comes to D speaking to you like that.Good luck!~ Abbeymom
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (29 August 2008):
 Of course you are right and of course your husband should take your side in all arguments whether he agrees with you or not. If he doesn't agree with then that's for a private discussion between the two of you. Failing to back you up is just weak.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008): I don't know. You have a roommate - seems like you should keep your stuff cleared out of the way, or expect that your roommate may get pissed off when you don't.Look, the problem is that you've sort of unfairly tried to cast this into a different situation than what it is. You guys are all roommates. You want this to be your marital home that you're graciously sharing with your husband's friend, but that's not the dynamic that's established, and deep-down, you know this, b/c you go to the trouble of spelling it all out in your post. So what exactly is your issue? That your roommate uses profanity when he speaks to you?It's one thing to expect your husband to stand up for you when his friends disrespect you. It's another thing to expect a third party to get involved in a roommate dispute. You've got some kind of weird hybrid of those problems here - if you accept that and stop trying to cast it as something else, it'll be easier for you to get past it.Which is what you need to do.Get over it. Your husband didn't do something you would've liked for him to do. So? You guys are married and are building a life together now. I can pretty much guarantee that there will be loads of times you feel that way over the course of your marriage. The best thing you can do is relax, realize you can't change him, and learn to pick your battles. Honestly, I don't see anything here that sounds like something to fight over, and I certainly don't see anything you can do to change what's been done. The best you can do is try to really THINK about what you wish your husband understood that he seems not to get, and try to explain it to him. Then try to see him for who he is and love that guy, b/c that's the guy you married and promised to stick with, for better or worse.In the meantime, consider whether an alternate housing arrangement (ie, sans roommate D) might be best for the health of your marriage.
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