A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had a miscarriage several months ago. It was an early miscarriage, I didn't know I was pregnant till it happened. I'm still young, only 18 nearly 19, and although I've been with my boyfriend a few years I would probably have had an abortion as neither of us are equipped to give a child the life it deserves at this point in our lives. Saying that, I think about what 'she' would have been like a lot. I've only told one person about my miscarriage other than my boyfriend, and they told me I couldn't grieve about losing her if I would have had a termination. Do you agree?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): I agree with this person.
You are being overly dramatic.
I could understand you feeling this way if you were committed to the pregnancy. But you weren't.You were going to terminate, which is a clinical word for murder.
I think relief would have been closer to the mark, surely. The universe saved you from having to take responsibility for this baby yourself, be it aborting it or raising it.
Imagine the poor women who have experienced a still born. A much wanted and loved baby. Your experience is upsetting, but not devastating.
Learn from this. Be more careful in the future. I think this is wake up call to you, abortion is not contraception.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 June 2011):
You can feel how you want to. As the others have said, never let anyone else tell you how to feel. I did that when I was 14 over something, and the problems I had then continued for a while longer until I was able to just accept them, rather than try to hide them and feel something else.
You have every right to grieve. The person who said this is very small minded, given that there are many who have terminations who then also grieve. It's not a black and white situation, and requires more thought and maturity than "you're not allowed to grieve".
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (21 June 2011):
That person was out of line to say that-you must grieve if you need to in order to come to terms with what has happened. There is no right and wrong way to feel in this situation.
People do not have terminations lightly, they often suffer a lot of guilt, or question their decision afterwards. They may have felt that the termination was necessary because of their circumstances, but even then they may need to come to terms with the fact that they had to terminate a pregnancy, a process some might say is similar to grieving. I’m not trying to make a point about abortion here, or to generalise about what it’s like to terminate, but simply wish to make the point that it’s quite wrong to say that you cannot grieve because you might have terminated the pregnancy anyway.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (21 June 2011):
 Never let someone else tell you what your feelings are. No, I don't agree with this other person. Not only are you grieving now, you will need to continue and go through all the steps. Many women who do decide to terminate a pregnancy grieve. When my wife miscarried an intentional pregnancy she grieved. It is a real loss, even if you only had a short term connection.
Accept your feelings. Experience them. Own them. Your experience with this process will help you to make better decisions in the future.
FA
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