A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes: I'm wondering what to do now. I'm in a long term marriage of over 25 years but the early years of my marriage were not easy. We argued often and almost broke up a couple of times. When my first son was born, I couldn't stand the thought of not being there to raise him and so stayed. He is now on his own. I have a daughter almost finished with high school who still lives at home. My wife and I hadn't communicated well for quite some years and had grown apart. I tried to get her to go to marriage counseling with me, but she only went a couple of times. I continued to go by myself. After 10 months of marriage counseling, I finally moved out in July. It's now nearly 5 months and my wife wants me back, but will still not go to the marriage counseler with me. We've gone on "dates" which have been OK, but there is not a lot of passion between us (at least me for her). I am lonely though and wondering if I should just give up and return home. I'm afraid though that without some joint training on communication, we'll just end up in separate rooms again and just be unhappy. Should I end the marriage separation and return home? Has anyone had these problems an handled them as I have? I have been interested in a couple of other women due to the lonliness both before and after the separation, but have done nothing that would be considered out of line as all I have done is talk and form friendships. My wife also took a good deal of money from our joint account after I moved out and I have asked her to return at least half the money as well as go to counseling with me before I return. Am I being unfair?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 November 2010):
 you are more than fair. And you deserve happiness.
When you consult the divorce lawyer do ask that the money she already took, without your knowledge and now refuses to return, be taken into account for the purposes of the property settlement.
I wish you every happiness in the future
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 November 2010):
Not in the slightest, are you being unfair. You're being MORE than fair. In fact, you've been as fair as possible. When the marriage finally did go wrong, you were the one who went to her and suggested counselling. Even when she didn't come, you kept on going to your credit, and hopefully at least dealt with any problems you had in your own mind. Finally you've moved out, and she took a chunk of money from your join account.
Now she's come back, and she's offering nothing. I'm assuming that the money still hasn't been returned, and she STILL will not go to counselling. There is no use in you and her trying to get back together unless she makes an effort, just as you did, to get through the problems and fix this. Because you'll just get back together, and the same problems will be there and you'll be unhappy again.
I also wonder why she's come back. There seems to be no passion or real effort from her. So maybe she's coming back because she's lonely, or maybe it's just because she wants to put a show on for your children. I don't know. All I know is that when a couple who are in love want to fix something, they do it together and they do whatever it takes. Your wife isn't doing that.
I'd explain to her that unless she comes to counselling to fix the problems you have in the marriage, it won't work out. If she still refuses, then the time will have come for you to end the marriage. You're a decent, honest guy. Don't forget that, because other women will want a decent, honest guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): I think your being completely reasonable. And personally I think if she doesn't go for counseling with you, I think maybe you should end the relationship. After all why remain committed when she isn't?
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