A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I have been in a relationship with this guy since the past 1.5 years. Our relationship hasn't really been very easy. He cheated on me twice and I forgave him because I love the guy. We have our fights mainly over trust issues but we have managed to work it out. He has been good to me and I felt he really was doing his best to make this work and to make me trust him.I had found out about his cheating through his emails. After we started to make it work, and he promised to be faithful to me, I promised to trust him and not check his emails. Sometimes though, when he would leave his email account open on his computer, I would go through his emails. I know it's not a good habit but I did it to see if he was really being honest to me. He's caught me checking his emails many times and each time I would promise him that I won't doit again. But I get paranoid and I break my promise and check his emails. Unfortunately, he caught Me snooping through his emails today and we had a big row. He told me he hates me and that I am crazy and sick in the head. He told me to get out of his life. I told him that I loved him so much that I even forgave him for his cheating and I asked him if he loved me enough to forgive me for snooping. He yelled at me telling me that he doesn't love me and that he wants me out of his life. He kept yelling the same thing and we home and he hasn't been picking up the calls.I am shocked at what happened. I am shocked at the hurtful things he said. Should I try to get back with him or is it over for good? I love him so much and I really want to trust him. He has been clean for months. If only I wouldn't snoop through his emails, nothing like this would have happened. What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Foxxy1Yes I am still in a relationship with him. After I got back from my holiday, I met up with him. We talked about everything that happened. He said that the weeks after our fight, he thought of me and our relationship and he realized that despite everything, he loves me and wants to be with me and he forgave me for snooping. He apologized for the hurtful things he said and promised me never to say such things again when we fight. He also apologized for everything he did before which hurt me so much.Its been a couple of months and its been going good so far. We both are working on the relationship, talking, sharing, spending lots of time with each other.So yeah, both of us wanted to work on our relationship and we are doing that. I hope it all works out for me. As well as for you :)
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female
reader, Foxxy1  +, writes (16 September 2012):
Hi since I am in the same boat as you, I am curious to know if you are still in contact with this man and if he is trying to have you back.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (11 July 2012):
I believe you already have your way of dealing with him so whatever you do, I am sure it will work out. I suppose yes this is his way of control and he likes being in control...of course in this case you did mess up. But I am a person who believes in mature conversation than childish behaviour. I would have liked so see what would happen if you never were the first one to contact him.
Anyway, good luck with your bf and all the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers!
Well, for an update -
Right now I am on holiday. I will be getting back to the country where I'm working in 10 days, where my boyfriend and I live and work.
Before I left I emailed him apologizing for what I did (since he wouldn't meet me after the fight and i did not want to force him) and I told him if he is ready to forgive me and if he loves me anymore.
He replied saying that he doesn't love me anymore but he still wants to be with me when I get back.
It was a 2 line reply that he sent and I gathered that he is still mad.
Whenever we had fights earlier, he would say that he doesn't love me and then after a while he would be okay and take me in his arms and say that he didn't mean it and that he loved me.
But what annoys me is his habit of telling me that he doesn't love me when we fight. He gets very cold towards me and only after I pursue him trying to get him to talk will he be okay and happy again. Is this his way of control? How do I deal with him? What do I say to him when I meet him after I get back?
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reader, Xearo +, writes (7 July 2012):
For someone to become this angry seems suspicious when they repeat the same thing over and over. But perhaps it seems justified since he has caught you in the past. Honestly, I can not judge his actions too well.
But I hope you understand that trust needs to work both ways. Well I think there is nothing you can do. No sense to regret the past of what you did. Mistakes happen but it is the love and will to move forward is what makes relationships last.
My best advice is to simply wait. In the mean time try to keep busy doing something. It is hard but he has to be the one to contact you since you have made a lot of effort. I know it is not much advice but this is what I would tell my best friends. I hope things will work out but if it doesn't then I hope you may find someone new and even better!
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reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (6 July 2012):
You say that you’ve forgiven him for cheating, but actually you haven’t. You don’t trust him, and you don’t believe his promise not to do it again, if you did you wouldn’t snoop through his emails. Stop pretending that you’ve got past what he did when you so clearly haven’t. If this relationship has any chance, you need to apologise to him for viewing his emails and bringing up his cheating and agree never to bring it up in a fight again. Assuming he wants to give it another go, you need to tell him that you’ve both got to learn to trust each other again gradually, and ask him to not put temptation in your way by leaving his emails open whilst he’s away from the computer. Tell him that it has to be a fresh start where you both make a serious commitment to make some big changes and you agree to forgive each other. Forgiving each other doesn’t mean forgetting about the past until the next fight, it means making a fresh start. Can you do it? The signs are not good: in less than 2 years there’s been cheating, spying and the trust seems to have been destroyed. What’s more, if he starts screaming and yelling when there’s something he doesn’t like, you’ve not got a very functional system of communicating with each other. What’s more, he says he wants you out of his life, whilst you seem to be in denial about the fact that you haven’t got over his past mistakes. A lot of people do find cheating impossible to move on from, but if that’s the case you’d be better off being honest with him about that and breaking it off, for both your sakes. But if you both want to work it out and patch things up, it will depend on how much effort you both make. If you get back together, you can’t just resume this failed relationship, everything’s got to be negotiated and talked through afresh, otherwise forget it! So you first need to be clear what you want, then you need to find out how he feels and take it from there. If, when he’s calmed down, he still insists that he doesn’t love you and that it’s over, you’ll have no choice but to accept it. To repeat, it’s very likely that too much has gone on for this relationship to survive but if you want to try and defy the odds, tell him when he’s not angry and see what happens. But you should be emotionally preparing yourself to deal with a breakup.
I wish you all the very best.!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): "Should I try to get back with him or is it over for good?"From boyfriend's POV it's not over, I'm sure he's perfectly happy with your current arrangement of him cheating on you, you catching him, him blaming you, you forgiving him and taking him back, him cheating again, you catching him again . . . "I love him so much and I really want to trust him."Too bad he keeps giving you very compelling reasons NOT to trust him. "He has been clean for months. If only I wouldn't snoop through his emails, nothing like this would have happened."If you didn't snoop through his e-mails, something would have still happened as he'd still be cheating on you, only you'd be completely unaware and so he'd be getting away with banging other chicks behind your back and then coming home to you, potentially exposing you to a God-knows-what assortment of sexually transmitted diseases he contracted by having casual anonymous sex with total strangers who've had sex with hundreds of total strangers. Just because a murderer hasn't killed any innocent victims for months doesn't make him any less a murderer, same applies to cheaters. Just because a murderer is caught because he dumb enough to leave a paper trail doesn't mean the detective who uncovers the evidence is the criminal, same applies to cheaters and girlfriends who catch them red-handed. "What do I do?"You can "forgive" him yet again, take him back yet again, and prepare yet again for the cycle of mistrust, suspicion, cheating, catching red-handed, and verbal abuse to perpetuate from now until doomsday, OR for once and for all you can take control of your life by demonstrating some self-respect, self-esteem, pride, dignity, brains, and backbone; in other words, DUMP HIM.
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reader, Foxxy1 +, writes (6 July 2012):
Wow while reading this I was thinking I was the one typing this story. I was in the same kind of relationship for the same amount of time. I found out of his cheating through email. ALthough never found out if there was any sexual contacts. But at the time I took it as cheating is cheating. SO we fought a lot and he will tell me he is working on his behavior and I will promise him I will stop snooping.
But out of curiousity I continued to snoop and he caught me once. Even though it seem like he was going to end it then he didn;t. But three weeks after that incident I broke up with him. I just did not deserve to be in a relationship that will make me behave this way. He never stopped calling all the other women and coninued a relationship with this young girl and continue to say it was nothing. So it is a decision I made to end it. It's been 3months.
In your case, the guy did try to mae you trust him again so you should have stopped snooping or atleast try not to get caught. Men don't like snooping and you are lucky he did not break up with you the first time. He probably have already checked out by then and was just waiting for the perfect moment. Let's face it he messed up, but you messed up more. No, this relationship is done. There will never be trust and he has finally told you how he feels and when it comes to feelings, men seldomly lie. So he is for real. Just move on. You are probably better off without the drama.
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