A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been solid friends with this guy, A, for a while, and friends with his girlfriend of three years, B, for even longer. A and B have a very stable, happy relationship. But the other day A told me he'd kissed another girl, C, who he's liked for ages. He said they were talking about how they'd both liked each other for ages and what it'd be like to kiss. Apparently it was happening before he knew it, but they ended up kissing for quite a while. He said it was amazing and felt really 'right'. However, not only is he in a relationship, but so's she! He told me at one point that if he had to choose, he'd break up his three year relationship to be with C. However he later changed his mind and said it had been a spur of the moment thing, that it wouldn't go anywhere. He said 'I love B to bits' and that 'cheating isn't my style'. This turned out to be a lie. The day after a camping trip he'd been on, he told me that he spent a whole night in a tent with C, making out in their underwear. I'm pretty sure that constitutes cheating. He said that the next morning they both decided to end it there as they didn't really want to break up with their partners and it could, in their own words, 'get a bit awkward'. A now says he completely regrets everything that happened. He says that C came on to him and it was late at night so his inhibitions were down and he wasn't thinking. He says he feels really terrible, has learned his lesson, will never do it again etc. and has begged me not to tell B. My question is this: should i tell B? If her relationship with A ever ended she'd be completely and utterly devastated, and hurting her like that would seriously tear me apart. It may not even be my place to tell her, or any of my business. But i also feel she has a right to know that A was unfaithful, and that i have a duty as her friend to tell her. Every time i see him with her it makes me angry that she's with someone who would do that to her after three years, she's an amazing person and deserves to be treated better. But she also deserves to be happy, which she really won't be if i tell her! Please help me decide what to do! Sorry for the ridiculously long-winded speech, i just wanted you to get as full a picture as possible. Thanks in advance for any help you can give me
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sweety Pie +, writes (6 October 2010):
 It's really tough. I'd advise him to tell her. Don't tell her yourself, I would try not to get too involved.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): I would tell her, put yourself in her shoes. Wouldn't you want to know? Even though she would be devastated, as you said she could be happy. Happy with someone who won't cheat on her not only once but twice.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (6 October 2010):
 It is not your place to tell anyone anything. What you CAN do is make it clear that 'A' should tell his girlfriend because you are right when you say that she deserves someone who'll make her happy. She needs to know, so make sure to tell 'A' that he needs to let her know so that she can make a choice. If somehow they do end up staying with each other, 'A' really needs to stay away from 'C', tell him that.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, kerbear75  +, writes (6 October 2010):
That is so tough because you are such good friends with both of them.
I think you know how she'd react if she knew so if you know that him cheating in the manner he did is a deal breaker than I think she should know. However if you think she would be very hurt, but find forgiveness she shouldn't be burdened with the pain.
So if you agree with the above, and she would forgive him; an approach you could take is to talk to him, and let him know the rules. There will be no further time spend with the other girl. That you will not tell her, for now, as long as he sticks to the rules. If he breaks the rules you will tell her. Explain that his has hurt you as well and you hate how much he has put you in the middle but you love your friend. He should also swear to never tell her because of his guilt, she should not bare the weight of this pain so his guilt can be relieved. He should walk with the pain. He will have to hope the other girl never spills her guts and that it is a secret.
If you know it is a deal breaker for her... she has to know. The best way for her to find out is for him to tell her. I would explain to him that you know she would not be able to forgive his actions, and the best for her would be for him to tell her. Explain you can not keep his secret because the situation crosses your moral boundries. Let it be his choice if he is going to tell her, but give him a dead line. If he doesnt meet the deadline, you will have to break it to her.
I hope this helps, and if not I hope you find a solution that does... good luck.
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