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Should I tell my ex how much she has hurt me?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 October 2010) 5 Answers - (Newest, 6 October 2010)
A male Canada age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My girlfriend broke up with me about less then a month ago. And only after a week breaking up with me had another boyfriend in her life. I'm just so completely hurt from all this that words can't even describe my pain. It's like our relationship didn't even matter to her. She met the guy while she was still with me and that just added salt to the wound. Anyways these horrible feelings have been bottling up for a while and I just would really like to let her know the intense emotional pain that she's put me through. Would it be a good idea if I wrote to her or talked to her and said all these things to her?

View related questions: broke up, my ex

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010):

I've got to agree with everyone else.

I made the mistake of doing what you are planning to do and it actually made me feel worse. My girlfriend left me and within a week had moved back in with her ex. I was devastated, I wrote her a long letter (which made me feel better and then sent it to her, which didn't), she didn't reply. I was left worrying that she'd never got the letter. I ended up talking to her about it and she just stood there and showed no emotion at all.

I was left feeling far worse as it became apparent that she just didn't care how I felt and hadn't given it a second thought.

The things that helped me, were writing the letter and pouring out my feelings, talking about it on here and venting to a close friend about everything. It does get better, but it takes time.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010):

No, because that would keep her in your mind as if you were still together.

It would be best to get some short-term counselling or talk to a friend. Keep away from her - she has hurt you enough and there is nothing to be gained from seeing her now.

You may not realise it yet, but you have made a lucky escape. I feel sorry for the new guy, because she could do the exact same thing to him.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (6 October 2010):

CindyCares agony aunt No, don't do it.

Once unluckily I had the same idea. After a very painful and unexpected break up, I sent a letter pouring my heart out about how hurt and upset I was etc. etc. The answer was : So ? Am I supposed to care ?..I've got so many problems of my own, imagine if I can think about yours !

Well, not so brutal- but almost. Obviously it did not do a lot to cheer me up.

The point is that ,when someone leaves you, they know perfectly they are hurting you and :

a) either they don't care about hurting you

b) or they care and they feel guilty about it, so they won't like anything that makes their sense of guilt worse.

Write down your feelings ,if you want,pages and pages, but in your diary. Or...write to us. PM an Aunt or Uncle of your choosing and tell them you just need to vent.

Spit everything out : the shock, the humiliation, the rage, everything.

Then, once you have done that- enough. Let it go. CHOOSE to let it go. Move on with your life , and don't turn your head back. The past is past.

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A female reader, kerbear75 Canada +, writes (6 October 2010):

I do not think you should tell her, or any woman that. I know it hurts, and the advice already given by mrvhappy is a great idea. Write it in a letter BUT NEVER send it, and burn it so nobody else finds it.

I can honestly tell you that... when women break it off with men, even if they move on they never want the ex to move on. Most of us want to believe that life without us is miserable, and you regret it everyday. A lot of honest women will actually tell you that. This is something my girlfriends and I laugh about still.

You are not going to be able to ever really let her know the pain you feel. She might understand one day if it happens to her, but you cant explain it.

Dont feed her ego at the expence of getting hurt even more.

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A male reader, mrvhappy United Kingdom +, writes (6 October 2010):


I dont think that its a good idea to tell her.

What I did, (she was my 1st love) when something similar happened to me many yrs ago was to write it down in a letter..but NEVER SEND it.It helps easy the pain.

She is now married with kids and has recently come back into my life....

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