A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years(we are both 26). We bought a house 3 years ago and until 12 months ago were happy as ever. 6 months ago I began mentioning that I thought it was time we got engaged. He always changed the subject and said he wasnt ready for marriage. I persisted and 4 months later got the beautiful diamond that i wanted. There was no cliche proposals just a 'there are you happy' type thing. Just putting it down to the fact that he isnt the romantic type. I accepted how this happened and thought he did it so he must want it deep down.He has also known from day 1 that I want children. I have dropped a few hints that I'd like to plan to get a family started in the next 2 years which really sets him off. He says things like 'I am not ready for kids' 'i dont think i'd be a good father' and 'if we had kids i'd never be home, i'd be at the pub'. Will this man ever give me children or am I wasting my time? Please help. Thx
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (17 September 2009):
From what you say here, you have told him you want a house an engagement, marriage and then kids.
You have then asked for his response to this.
Have you ever asked him what HIS long term hopes and dreams are?
Talk to him about the future, tell him you just want to know how he feels and just want to listen and understand what he wants from life.
Then if what he wants is different to what you want THEN you can make a decision about whether it's too different from what you want.
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (17 September 2009):
 Have you asked him what he wants from life? What are his opinions on marriage and children? You can't assume that because you have been together for years and becasue you want marriage and children in the next 2 years that he feels the same. Not everyone wants that. It could be that he does, just maybe not as soon as you do. Try having an open conversation on the subject without pushing what you want and listen to what he wants. If he doesn't want the same things as you, then you've either got to come to a compromise, or you will have to leave him and find someone who wants the same things as you. Pushing him into marriage and kids will only push him away. it will lead to resentment. He said if you have kids he'll be in the pub. Do you want a father who's not interested in his kids? Good luck.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (17 September 2009):
 He's feeling stifled in that you've already planned his life out for him.
Have you tried to ask him what he envisions your future together might be?
Rather than hold him to a strict timetable, is there something else in the way?
The reason why I ask is that you mentioned he'd be at the pub, or that he wouldn't be a good father.
Is he a heavy drinker? Does he have doubts about himself as a husband or a father?
I mention this because first of all, as a former heavy drinker, I would say that a person who's an alcoholic can never be happy. The alcohol takes away all of the inhibitions and leaves a great deal of sorrow in its wake. When someone stops drinking, things change in their world and they begin to see things differently. But alcoholism makes a man neglectful, and so this could be a problem and the reason why he's saying these things.
He may also feel that he wouldn't make a good father for reasons totally unconnected with you. Is there something in his life that makes him doubt himself as a father-figure?
Have you ever just asked him why he feels so terrible about these issues and if so, have you ever asked him what it is that you could do to make him feel better about these doubts?
Its a thought, not necessarily a solution. The question is so short but it drops some interesting hints.
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