A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Thank you for all who respond here. Always good responses on this site.Since the pandemic began I feel I have changed. I would think this is true for many. I think I am only realizing now that I would hear from friends primarily when they needed to vent. I dont think that is all they wanted in the friendship but as of late I am finding I do not really want to talk to them because of the way it makes me feel. I am craving positivity in my life and I am enjoying spending time with positive people and people with goals. It is not good for my self care to keep hearing about my friends divorce proceedings and how her husband called childrens aid on her. It is not fun to hear once again about how my friend wants to move because she hates where she lives and for the past thirty years has been telling me she is going to make a change.I have outgrown the drama and to be honest must have been ok with it in the past.It also seems that some(not all) of these people are not happy when happiness comes my way or I have met a goal.I am a high school teacher and am working hard during the pandemic and perhaps the people venting to me are either currently unemployed or retired which must be hard but I am working hard and keeping my head above water but doing ok. I seem to have less tolerance for the same old beefs and disgruntlemtts.I dont want to drop these friends and when they vent I try to keep the conversation postive but they get angry if I put a time limit on their calls. One friend even drinks as she talks to me and would be on the phone a couple of hours as I try to get off.Should I stay in contact right now? It is not good for my mental health. I have outgrown them and the drama.I dont pick up now when they call.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2020): If you're a teacher working full-time you simply don't have time for lengthy calls so simply just don't pick up the calls or call bar them.
If you do get caught out by drinking friends trying to offload on you try this line: 'I've got to go...I've got an egg on the boil!'
Of course it's a bit ridiculous and insulting especially if the phone rings late at night, but that's the point.
It's such an innocent remark with a three minute time limit but I can guarantee that the caller won't phone back.
It's slightly more subtle than: 'Oh my God, the pans caught fire..gotta go!'
Your caller will find someone else to drown their dramas with.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2020): I have experience with such matters. You need to sit them down - if you think that's worth it, and tell them how you feel. Tell them you care for them but that you cannot be this bottomless pit, that it makes you feel... (feel in the blanks). I have a friend like that, a childhood friend at that, like a family member. Selfish, egocentric, using people, getting angry when people refused to be used - stay on the phone for ours...You need to put a stop to this. It won't stop on its own. Why would it? As long as you give them what they want, they won't change.My problem was not just the negativity, it's her inability to deal with unpleasant emotions/stress, even for little things. Nothing was to little for her. She would call to vent about what kind of a look a cashier had given her and if I didn't answer she would send me a mile long texts on the subject. She was dumping her sh*t o on me all the time. And not just me. She would call her mom (at almost 40!!!) first and vent, then me, then another friend and so on... One person is not enough for her. My point is, if you don't want that in your life, you need to do something about it. Those "vampires" will suck the blood out of you if you let them.And yes. She too would get angry if I didn't call her back or respond to her texts, even if it was totally formulaic: "Oh I'm so sorry... hang in there... what a drag...". She just needs to vent and get some acknowledgement that she's being heard. She doesn't give a dime about your opinion on the matter. If it doesn't agree with hers, she just doesn't want to hear it. She's mostly pretending NOT to be negative, all of her stories start with "I don't know why is this annoying me, I'm always such a positive person". I haven't gotten yet to the point of dropping her - it's hard because she's "family", but for years I have been limiting contact with her. It's hard and it's not really a permanent solution, but it's better than nothing. If you don't have such "baggage" with these people, well, just fade out from their lives. It will be healthier for you. Because the older we get, the worse we get unless we work on ourselves (therapy, self-help... whatever). She keeps saying what a wonderful person I am and how much better she feels after talking to me. Is that my job?! To make her feel better by putting up with her instead of telling her how much she annoys people in those stories she tell? So do something. They won't suddenly become less selfish, if anything with life not going their way, they will become more and more negative and needy. I feel sorry for her son. He will have to be EVERYTHING to her, a father, a partner, a shrink... I understand how hard this is. I'm just giving you what I think is a more complicated situation so that maybe you can compare yours to it and see how to get out of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2020): HiAt the moment we are all in some strange place and all have an air of vulnerability around our lives due to the pandemic, this, I believe, has made us take stock of our own lives and how e want to live it and who with.Of course, we want to help our friends as we sometimes need a shoulder, but if you feel like a dumping ground and the same old problem is regurgitated to you, it gets frustrating. I have ended up telling friends that make no attempt to change their situation when there is a solution in sight, to stop bugging me, I will help anyone and spend hours, days consoling but when I start feeling drained, I pull the plug. Tea and sympathy can only go so far, and the trouble is some characters just like to sip tea all the time. Offer solutions that are not visible to them, offer time but don't get swallowed up. Friends will be extra vulnerable right now though and maybe some lonely or bored, please take this into account and remember we all handle stress differently and mental health issues are surfacing in some people due to the way our lives have gone. Friends and humanity are important and should be treasured just be firm but give from the heart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2020): Here's a few suggestions.
When friends call, judge their moods at the onset of the call. If they start-out negatively, that's their reason for calling. They need to vent. Politely ask at the very beginning of the call, is there something bothering you or on your mind? You've only got a few minutes to listen; but if it requires a lot of time, you'll get back to them.
Always inform them you're feeling good today, and you hope you can spread some of your positive-energy their way. Inform the caller you really don't need a downer, but if there's some advice they could use; or if you can give them a few minutes of your time to offer them some encouragement, maybe that might brighten their day! That is taking charge of the narrative, and keeping the mood of the call on an up-note. If they ignore you, or try to override your attempt to take charge; then tell them you'll call them back, you're not really in the mood to listen to bad-news, unless there's a crisis or emergency. People tend to be drama queens, so there's always a crisis or tragedy! Otherwise, inform the caller "sorry, not today!"
You've been friends too long, to be prissy and submissive. If you're a pushover; then you shouldn't keep friends who push you around, or intimidate you.
If you always let people monopolize your time and hold you hostage on the phone; you're giving them permission to do with your time as they please, and you authorize them to wreck your nerves.
They'll only think of you, because they can't usually find anyone who'll sit for hours listening to them rant, rave, and complain! Always available to listen to complaints doesn't make you a good friend. Just a place to come dump your emotional-garbage! I help people here, but I do it when I'm good and ready. I'm often here to help. I can pick and choose the posts I want to answer. I have a choice. I don't let it get me down; because I limit my intake.
You have to frequently interrupt, and change the subject. Be direct, and ask them to stop complaining so much; and remind them of what they have to be thankful for. People who like to complain like to wallow in their self-pity; and they also like to drag people down with their gloom. They only succeed with people like you, who will sit there trying to prove how sympathetic and caring you are; when you're really bored...or just fed-up with listening to a never-ending list of their bellyaching and complaints!
Speak-up woman!!! Use your words like your mama taught you!!! Assert yourself!
If you're so into people with goals, maybe you should also set the goal to learn how to be assertive and tactful when dealing with others.
Always be compassionate, but set boundaries and guidelines with people to make sure they value your friendship, respect your feelings, and appreciate the amount of time you spend with them. You have a life, and many other things you could be doing!
Guard your heart and your nerves. Debbie-downers tend to be mood-killers, and they spread their darkness and gloom everywhere. It will affect your mood and behavior just by subjecting yourself to their complaining. You'll notice yourself becoming short-tempered, impatient, and inexplicably irritable. Wondering why you feel so touchy or snippy all the time? It's because you've been someone's sounding-board for two hours!!!
They'll unload and drop their legion of demons at your doorstep, and go-on about their business! Then you're sitting there under a dark cloud! Frowning, brooding, and all upset!
It's just a matter of letting people know where you stand. Teach them how to respect your time, and value your attention. You cannot change them; so if you insist on keeping them as friends, you're the one who will have to change. Learn how to keep conversations healthy, fun, and informative. Not always be a shoulder to cry on! Give yourself the right to refuse to always have to listen to complaints. Don't be too afraid to tell them that they should call when they have good-news to share once in-awhile. They should lift you up, not always drag you down! That's what good friends do!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (30 November 2020):
 You are not wrong.
But you do come off as a "fair weather friend". Life isn't just positive and uplifting.
Part of being a friend is being a good listener. Though I absolutely GET that listening to the same negative shitstorm drama OVER and over gets old. I get it. But that is what is going on in their lives.
I have 2 close friends I share things with, negative and positive but I have refrained from the negative aspects since Covid started and since one of my best friends were hit by 2 hurricanes. I mean, if SHE can be upbeat and positive about not having water and electricity for 3 weeks, losing half her roof, I think.... I can look for the bright side in life too. My kids and I have a "table talk" (vent session) every other weekend. Because we are all (to an extend) stuck at home I think venting is healthy. Even if it's something I have heard a million times before. Mt friend and I do a movie night 2 times a month, she picks one movie and I pick one - each month and then we talk about that.
You CAN change the subject, you CAN say:" Hey I got to run" and you CAN choose to not talk to them.
What should you do? What you FEEL is right FOR you. But at least be honest with them. Telling someone;" I need to step back from this friendship a bit because I can't handle a lot of negativity right now". I think that is fair. It's also fair if they then say, well then we are done.
And I also think it's being a GOOD FRIEND when you tell someone, you know I love you but it's hard to talk to you when you are always SO negative, it affects me too. It affects my mood and it adds stress. I know I have BEEN that negative Nancy and I have been the friend to helped a friend see how negative SHE was. Because THAT is what friends too.
HOW you want to have friendships is UP to you, AND your friends.
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