A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My sister is claiming child benefit for a child that my mother is raising. She still lives at home and pays for no rent or and living cost for herself or her child and she is also claiming single mother's allowance. my mother minds her child while she is at work and she pays no babysitting money to her or to any other family member for that reason when she dumps the child on them. She barely makes time to see her child and is always out and neglects her child. She is so ungrateful. I live away from home during the week at college and I see her child more than her in a week and thats because i mind it one day a week. She would rather get ready and takeoff and not even bother to help get him ready for bed. Should I report her and give her a rude wake up call??
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male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Thanks for your sideswipe, female anon. In the UK we have a term, "pram-face"; it refers to a young, unmarried female who regards it as a good career move to get pregnant as soon as possible and go straight on to benefits and social housing. They have no interest in the father, often not even knowing his name, as long as they get their free accommodation and State hand-outs for 16 years. I see loads of them, parading their infants in buggies everywhere, no sign of a man or wedding/engagement ring. And you wonder why I object to paying for them in my taxes?
The OP's sister sounds like a leech and a parasite, in the case as presented, so it's no surprise that the posting provoked the reaction it did - but fraud and benefit theft are illegal, and if this is indeed the case, should be prosecuted.
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (21 November 2011):
 It’s a noble thing to be generous and compassionate, but not with other people’s time and resources. Those who work hard and pay those taxes have their own burdens to carry. Many of them work long hours, seldom take vacations. They look after elderly or ailing parents, ill or disabled children (some of whom will never be independent) or are themselves ill or disabled. On top of a full day at work, they come home to prepare dinner, clean house and do laundry. Then there is kids’ homework, soccer practice, guitar lessons, dance recitals and volunteer work. And of course, there are the unexpected surprises like sick pets and vehicle breakdown. No matter how they’re feeling, how tired, stressed or depressed they are, how much they might dislike their jobs, or their bosses, how cold it is, how many buses they have to take, how much traffic they have to fight, or how bad a headache they have, they get up every morning to face the day. What compassion do they get? For that matter what thanks do they get?In the past 2 decades I have known and heard of many people on some form of tax payer subsidy. Every one of them, without exception, always had a job but quit, had 3 or more children by different partners, plenty of food in the house, free access to medical and dental care, at least one car, 2 or more TVs, the latest in computer/video game/stereo equipment and enough money to pay for pot, cocaine, bingo or any other hobby that struck their fancy. Not to mention all the financial aid they received from their parents (and in one case waiting for a grandmother to die so they could collect the inheritance - how compassionate was that?). People like the OP’s sister are not the exception. They are far more common than we’re led to believe by those who promote ‘compassion’. You’re right that it’s not all about money. It’s much more than that. It’s about reaping what you sow instead of what someone else sows. And those who are doing the sowing have every right to voice their objections when they think what they had to struggle to earn is being parcelled out indiscrimminately. Some of you may be tired of hearing about it, but after toiling to support our families and theirs, we’re just plain tired.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): Before anyone else jumps on the "I pay my taxes so I am paying for your sister's child benefit" bandwagon - I mean, come on, how many of us can so easily resort to that tired old line when we can't be bothered to show compassion or thought and want everything to be reckoned in terms of money? - can I just point out the obvious and say that your sister is clearly overwhelmed by the reality of the situation that she is in and not coping.Before morally judging her and her actions, it is worth getting to the underlying reasons as to why she feels overwhelmed. I don't just say this in connection with your sister, it might be something that you want to start applying generally - understand first, judge later. The reason that she is not coping is probably connected to why she got pregnant in the first place. Was she depressed? Did she have low self-esteem? My guess is that underneath it all she does. Does she have a good relationship with you and your mother? Does your mother value both of you and support you in finding a good future? Did she get pregnant because she felt so worthless that she thought she was incapable of anything else? Many people who seem lazy, or irresponsible actually have real reasons for not being able to function as 'normal'. Unless this possibility is ruled out first, then nothing else will help her. And it may be that she won't be able to talk with you or your Mum about it, but needs to see a counsellor.As her sister you sound very ready to condemn her and very angry with her. I wonder if it was always this way and why that was the case. Maybe think about your own reasons for that. Are you yourself happy? Do you feel you have enough love from others? You certainly don't sound like it...when people feel loved themselves, they tend to be kind and generous to others and to show compassion first, before rushing towards angry acts.If it is the case that your sister is irresponsible rather than needing counselling or someone to help her to get a 'game plan' for her future, then different action needs to be taken. The first point of call would be social services. But this should only come after a proper assessment of her emotional and psychological well-being. She could be trying to avoid owning up to how she really feels - frightened, depressed, angry even about having a child - whatever, she could need your help in making that step towards a more constructive way of behaving.You wanting to report her only testifies to your anger towards her. Whilst she is behaving like this she is also not giving you the sisterly support that you may need for yourself. But sometimes we have to be the strong one first and it is only later - sometimes years later, that the support can be returned. It won't solve anything in the longer term if you report her, only maybe give you a short burst of "power" that won't last. Quite often in families one person gets labelled as the "bad" one and then they can never get rid of that label and instead start to play into it. Don't fall into that trap, don't help to destroy your sister, it is a very destructive route to take. You'll be a better and stronger - and more mature - person if you find compassion and start at the very beginning with her. Try to talk, without blame and anger, with her and your Mum. You obviously want to do something about the situation and that includes creating healthy and organised boundaries for everyone involved - but you have a choice, here, about whether to lead the situation in a hopeful direction or just cause heartache and pain.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): Child Benefit in the UK is a fixed weekly amount payable to the parents or guardians of every single child in the UK, regardless of circumstances, everyone receives it. As to the single mother's allowance, I'm not aware of such a government benefit in the UK but there is Working Tax Credit and Child Tax Credit which working parents can apply for, one of which has a childcare requirement, but the other doesn't, it is for all parents who work more than (I believe) 16 hours a week whose income is below a certain level.
Before you accuse her of doing something illegal you would need to make absolutely certain that she is not entitled to these benefits. It sounds to me like she may be. The UK benefits system is a pretty convoluted minefield, with many rules on what constitutes an acceptable claim and what doesn't. Also consider that your actions will certainly have serious repercussions for your family.
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A
male
reader, notnow +, writes (20 November 2011):
You should discuss this with your mother and tell her to stand up for her grandchild who deserves better
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (20 November 2011):
As one who is actually paying for your sister's support in his taxes, my first thought was to say report her. However, "Ciar" has a good point inasmuch as your needing to know the full consequences of such an action.
Having her move away would be a good plan if the child were taken into care and not loaded onto some mug whom she cons into supporting her, but unless you can be sure of that outcome, tread carefully.
Whatever happens, the taxpayer pays.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): I think you need to be very careful, I understand how annoyed you must be but at the end of the door it is your mum that is letting her get away with this behaviour. She is claiming all these benefits because the child is in her custody legally so I do not think there is much you will be able to do to be perfectly honest has she is living under the same roof has her child. But you can find out annonymously what the consequences would be if you was to report her if any!! Your mim needs to stand up to your sister though and make her pay rent and look after her own child. If you really wanted to do something then apply to the courts for custody has like I have said, the baby is legally in your sisters custody and your mum is going along with all this and letting her get away with behaving in this manor!!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (20 November 2011):
 You sound like a terrific sister.... I wish you were mine....
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (20 November 2011):
While I share your outrage over this parasitic behaviour, I suggest that BEFORE you take any action, you contact the appropriate agency anonymously to find out exactly what steps are involved, what consequences might result, and then speak to your mother.
At the very least you could use the threat of reporting her as leverage to enforce some much needed change. Gather up whatever evidence you can and keep it in a safe place she cannot access.
There is always the possibility that she will decide to punish you and the rest of the family by moving in with the first guy who can pay the rent and denying you all access to your niece. So get your ducks in a row before doing anything. Another option is to petition the courts for custody. That way, whatever happens with your sister, the little gaffer will be safe with her family and your mum can receive whatever child tax credits are available.
Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): You should but if you report a fake claim you can get into trouble with the law.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 November 2011):
 I think if anyone should report her it should be your mom. If she isn't using this money to take care of the child, then yes I don't think she deserve it, your mother does.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): she could sue you for slander if you tell lies.
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