A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:a couple of years ago, I was on a social media site. I messaged a female who caught my eye and we instantly clicked. both daft as each other and we had things on common. we both like football, reading and going to the pictures. when we met each other for the first time, sparks flew and it felt amazing. something I have never experienced in my life. when you meet someone for the first time, it can be nerve racking as it’s a new situation and you don’t know them that well, as your strangers to each other, and they don’t know you that well, even though you talked. these things were very special and obviously they were to her at the time and in the long run this both gave us confidence. we came very close to becoming a couple, it was that close. in the end we decided to become friends and not over complicate things, which was a fair decision on both our parts. even though personally I wanted more, even if she didn’t see it that way, I never gave any indication I wanted anything more, because I didn’t want to spring it on her and plus I thought it would come across as unfair. apart from the sparks flying and the instant connection being there, we Kissed each other and she made the first move and then again, we were talking about our failed relationships, when it happened. we didn’t have sex, but we rubbed up against each other, and she gave me oral which I didn’t ask for, think she just wanted to spring a surprise on me, and some surprise it was.after our friendship ended and she ended up with someone else, I have not been able to stop thinking about her. she’s on my mind constantly, and I have always been in love with her. I’ve been thinking about sending her an email or sending a message to her on social media.what should I do and what should I say in the message to her?please help me
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2022): message her once, if she doesn’t respond, your answer should be what it says which is a no from her, even though she hasn’t responded.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2022): we didn’t have sex, we rubbed against each other, and she performed oral sex on me, I didn’t ask her to oral me, she surprised me with it. I know what you are saying and don’t disagree.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2022): You have to put your feelings aside now, because she has found someone else. If you were in your early 20's, and not very much experienced; I could see where moving-on might be more of a challenge. Even if you've had only a few relationships in your lifetime; emotionally, you are better equipped. That is because age and experience also gives us a lot more self-control than we had in our teens or 20's.
She didn't agree to have a romantic-relationship; because she didn't have those kind of feelings for you. Friends with benefits was sufficient. You said you wanted more, but accepted just being friends. Then why would you go and interrupt an on-going relationship, with the full knowledge she's not into you in that way? It wouldn't be to continue a friendship; it would be an attempt to undermine the relationship she is in, for selfish reasons. Hoping she'd be up-to cheating on the side; because you and I both know the sex is really what you remember the most.
Continuing to pursue someone when you know they are romantically and emotionally committed to someone else is being overentitled and selfish. Insisting that you get what you want, no matter what.
You should not reach-out to her; because she is presently in a committed-relationship; and your intentions are not purely innocent. You want someone you couldn't have, and you intend to keep trying; because you're being stubborn, and wanting what isn't yours to have.
You're fixated on the sex you had with her; more than you are emotionally invested. Your intrusion on her relationship wouldn't really be for continuation of friendship; it would be in hopes of getting more of the sex you used to have. If it was nothing but the friendship, you wouldn't have mentioned the sex at all. You were pretty graphic about that.
I suggest you move-on. If she wished to hear from you, you would have heard from her first; or she would have pursued a romantic-relationship with you, instead of a platonic-friendship. She wouldn't have committed to another guy, it would be you.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (11 January 2022):
 I think if maybe it was a month or two later then i would say yes contact her, but two years is a long time, and a lot could have happened in this time.
The guy she ended up with, he could now be her husband, she could have kids now and be settled and happy.
Why did you give her the indication that you never wanted more, and why would it have been unfair if you did?.
My advice would be to treat this as water under the bridge and move on. but i feel that you have got your heart set on contacting her, and you will despite advice telling you not to.
If you do, just make it a very simple text or email, and just state your name, and that its been a long time, and that you hope she is ok and well.
If you get no response, which i'm sure that you will, don't persue it with subsequent texts. Just leave it at that and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 January 2022):
 If she has a BF/partner now, then o, don't contact her.
If she is single, do you really want to waste more time on her? It didn't work out FOR A REASON. Has anything really changed?
I think she is a bit of a "fantasy" girl for you. Someone you put up on a pedestal and in your head she is "perfect" for you but reality is not fantasy.
You wrote: "we both like football, reading and going to the pictures. " Ok do you not think most people in the UK like football? Movies? And many enjoy a good book?
While it IS great to share things in common (such as hobbies) I don't think there were enough things for HER to pursue a relationship. This sucks, but also, it means YOU need to look elsewhere. She isn't the one for you.
TlDR She isn't the one for you, move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2022): I would leave her be, if she thought she wanted to be with you in a relationship it would have happened, she's with someone as you know so respectfully you need to not tred on hus footsteps.
You can have instant chemistry or attraction with someone and even as happened a sexual experience with someone but it doesn't necessarily follow that you go into a relationship.
Leave her be, if she was or is meant to be with you it will happen, what's meant for you in life won't pass you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2022): Hold on there... She gave you an oral without really KNOWING you?! I'm sorry, but speaking as a woman, I find it weird. First of all, STDs can be transmitted through orals sex, secondly, it's just not something women do. It sounds more like a male fantasy, or what some women are conditioned to think. Maybe, she was doing this as a way to forget someone she cared about? Who knows, BUT... you had your chance (you both) and you went other ways. So... just leave it be.
Focus on improving your life and forget about the past. We dwell on the past when we have nothing else going on in our lives.
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