A
female
age
16-17,
Ayda1110
writes:Okay, about 3 years ago my cousin and his friend raped me, and I really want to press charges ( I got a rape kit test done) however, i'm not sure my family would approve being as he is my cousin and all......now I know I should do it because he has 3 little sisters, and could be doing the same thing to them, im just scared he'll come after me, or worse me family will disown me :( What should I do?
View related questions:
cousin Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): I hope that you find the courage to report this to the police. I was raped 22 yrs ago and didn't have the guts to go to the police. I have regretted that so deeply and have had to live with the knowledge that many females suffered due to my fear.
Now my 19 yr old daughter has been raped and we are in the process of pressing charges. It's been very difficult. And I am horrified at how the "WOMAN" she has to speak with to file charges has tried to discourge her from presuing this. It's INSANE! I had 1st called for my daughter just to set up an appt. to come down and press charges and the woman chewed me out wanting to know why "I" allowed my daughter to go to this man's home and clean for him. The truth is that I didn't "ALLOW" her to go.......he came to pick her up and her brother told him no, etc. Now this man I've known for yrs and he does some quality & inexpensive work for me over the yrs but I had no knowledge that he was capable of this. Yet I wasn't comfortable with her going to a man's home alone to clean. She and her boyfriend went, he fell asleep on the couch and well........
he is a witness and I took her straight to the E.R. for a rape kit test.
Good luck to you, I hope you make the right decision and believe me I understand how difficult this is.I just read that only 12% of rapes are reported and I'd bet money it's 1/2 to do with how the law treats you as the criminal rather than a victim.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): your family may react badly, they may support you - but whatever happens, it's important that you report your cousin to the cops. he needs to be prevented from doing it again.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): If you won't do it for yourself, you have to do it at least for the safety of his 3 little sisters.
OwHiTeLiOnO
...............................
A
male
reader, madflash +, writes (15 April 2008):
 I don't see why it's even in doubt then. You should have done this three years ago. There's no shame in rape, but there is shame in not reporting it. How many girls has that bastard done this to since then, and you could have stopped him. If you weren't so young when it happened I might even be angry at you right now.
But you were young and what happened to you was a tragedy.
Don't allow it to happen again by worrying what will happen. Just do it! I believe q1605 stated it quite eloquently when he said, "...you should nail this fucker to the wall"
Good luck, and God speed--right to police headquarters!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): You really need to talk to your family about this honey. Whether he is your cousin or not, he needs to be sorted out! Imagine how bad it would be if he raped another girl too. Before other people are put in dangerous situations, someone needs to know. Have you got someone in particular you can talk to about this in your family? Maybe your mum, an aunty or a sister? Rape is one of the worst things anyone could ever do to another person, its forcing someone to have sex! How awful is that! And I'm afraid that there is every chance that he will do this again in the future. So honey, talk to someone and they will be able to help you sort things out with the police. He needs help as soon as possible. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Annalisa  + ♥, writes (14 April 2008):
 Dear Ayda, please talk to your family and get support from them. As your cousin is an established adult, it's more likely he'll do it again. Even if he doesn't, it's only fair that his family know who he really is.
The law might not give you an easy ryde, as you've waited too long, unless you have whitnesses.
But your family will believe you, they will be on your side. Of course his family won't be happy, but they will be mad at him, not you!
Take care, my love, we're here if you need us!
...............................
A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (14 April 2008):
 then you should nail this fucker to the wall
...............................
A
female
reader, Ayda1110 +, writes (14 April 2008):
Ayda1110 is verified as being by the original poster of the question my cousin was 28 at the time, and yes it was violent......also I got the rape kit done about 3 hours after it happened.
...............................
A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (14 April 2008):
You have to think realistically. You had a rape kit done? By a doctor? Did they just take a swab and then hand it over to you for safe keeping. Something doesn't add up.I don't think a doctor is bound by law to report this like they are gunshot wounds but they would have strongly recommended it. So if you passed who kept the kit. I'm not sure if the hospital would still have it. If you have it the chain of custody will not pass muster. The law will want to know why you waited. The kit must match his DNA. but three years out I don't know if a judge will accept a motion to compel for your cousin to provide a sample on just your word. Were there pictures taken of any signs of forced or rough sex. Your word, the doctors word ,a rape kit with the chain of custody unbroken ,as well as documentation of some physical assault and you can probably nail him. But if any of this is lacking I would not count on the law pursuing this after three years
...............................
A
female
reader, Annalisa + ♥, writes (14 April 2008):
As 'madflash' said, you're not giving us much information. How old is your cousin? Why did you need a rape kit? Did you have sex with them and regretted it later?
If your cousin and his friend are still horrible people, they might do it again.
Have they grown up since then and changed into better people?
I think you need to talk to your cousin, confront him about the past and ask him how he feels about it.
You could confide in a parent as well.
These should be the first steps. Then, if you feel he's still dangerous, report him!
I found out a while back that someone I'm close to was raped by their brother... She hates him, but has never confronted him or told anyone until many years later.
It turns out he's never raped anyone since, he's a sweet guy, a good husband and father and he is very sorry for what he has done. On her part, she realised she just needed closure, but having left it too long meant she was scarred for life and found it almost impossible to kiss and make love with her husband!
Basically, you need to face your fears and talk to him, get closure, forgive and try to forget.
But if he's not sorry, if you can see he is the type to do it again, get the support of your mother and go to the police.
You might not have enough proof to get him committed, but making your family aware will mean your younger cousins will get immediate protection from the people they love.
God bless you and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (14 April 2008):
 Hi, firstly.. who realy and truly cares if his family.. dont like the fact that you will press charges!!! he raped you and they should be disgusted in you.. so take that out of your mind!! You need to let your parents know or a good best friend first (which is what i did) then go to the police. The rape kit which you did, was it recently, or after the rape? It will be hard to prove if it wasnt at the time. Like you, i waited 3 years to tell anyone because of how scared i was, but i also had no proof.. I wish you all the best, feel free to mail me at any time x x x
...............................
A
male
reader, madflash +, writes (14 April 2008):
What you are considering is very serious. The fact is that you should have pressed charges when it happened, but I see how young you are and you must have been very young at the time. Plus, pressing charges against a rapist is a very difficult thing to do at any age.
So, on the one hand I would say yes. You owe this to yourself for your own self respect and to your cousin so he can pay for his actions. And, of course, there are his younger sisters that may very well need you to protect them.
On the other hand, however, it has been three years since the incident and I do not know the details, how violent it was, what part your cousin played in it, or how old your cousing is, which also could be a factor. Depending on the circumstances, you might consider confronting your cousin with some trusted family members and making him go to counseling. Again, I don't know the severity of the details, and your cousin may have changed since the rape and may even regret what happened. That is why I offer this as a course of action in lieu of pressing charges.
You can always press charges, and probably should, but if your cousin was not actually violent and your rape was due to more factors than just his depraved behavior, such as alcohol, his friend's behavior and sexually charged mixed messages that may have led up to what they did to you, then I think you should consider the alternatives.
But if you are certain of his depraved nature, then you actually have an obligation to EVERYONE to bring this out in the open and do everything in your power to protect those little girls.
Good luck, Sweety. And I'm sorry you have to go through what you're going through, especially after what you already were forced to endure.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  + ♥, writes (14 April 2008):
 Please, please listen to Collaroy's advice. Your cousin is harming others, you have been victimized by him, and you are worrying for others in your families safety. Please, for the sake of every other girl that he comes into contact with, tell someone, stand up and state an account of what he has done. You have the power to stop him. You have it in you, and your words can stop him.
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy  + ♥, writes (14 April 2008):
 Hi again,
The last thing you should be concerned about is how his family will react. True, they may very well rally around him but that will be out of self defence, they won't be able to accept that a member of their family committed rape.
But he did didnt he, and that is a crime, and he should not be allowed around young girls. You are right, he will do it again - if he hasnt already.
Rapists go to jail when a girl has the strength and courage to go to the police. Rapists rely on the fact that most girls are too scared to complain , and then they just go and rape someone else. You have the chance to put an end to this, confide in a close family friend ( preferably a parent ) but before you do it - get your story straight, if it happened years ago there is going to be a problem with actually proving it so you need to be able to remember events as they happened without contradicting yourself, but that should not mean you cannot expose this boy for what he is - a rapist.
Be strong, talk to a close family member, or look up the yellow pages for rape crises counsellors - they will be able to advise you what you can do.
Be strong, and don't let him get away with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (14 April 2008):
 Your family will not disown you. This wasn't your fault. You absolutely need to press charges... This guy and his friend have been getting away with it for 3 years! They cannot do this... You cannot allow them to do this. Not going to the police is letting them get away and saying it is okay what they did to you. No family in their right mind would disown a family member who has been raped. Curious though, what is the statute of limitations on rape cases again? Tell your parents what happened first. They will help you get the courage to go to the police.
...............................
|
