A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Should I let this bother me? My wife is in nursing school. The past two days she's mentioned having lunch with the same guy. Matt. When she first mentioned him back when school started I casually asked about him. She said he's married but having problems. Mid 30's. Drives a sports car, and that he says he's at the gym all the time. Then she described him as being a full figured guy. Not a lean muscle figure, but more of a large framed guy, but not from fat. When I asked if she found him attractive, she said. "no, not really. Not my type. He's not ugly, but not drop dead gorgeous." So she calls during her lunch break and I ask what she's up to. She says she's eating lunch with Matt. I said ok. Asked her what she ended up buying. She said, "well, Matt offered to buy me lunch." I played it off but she could tell it bothered me. Should I tell her it did? I don't want to seem insecure, (I know women find that unattractive), but it did bother me.If I was having lunch with a female classmate/coworker and she was buying me lunch, she wouldn't like it. Especially under the circumstances. If she was married but having problems, mid 30's trying to be young, and at the gym all the time. It would bother her. If I described her as full figured. Not skinny, but not fat. Not ugly, but not drop dead gorgeous. And her body as being full but not fat; still has figure to it. How would she react?I didn't mind her having lunch with him; but why is he offering to buy her lunch? And why is she accepting? I feel like I work hard to support her. I make a good amount and we are well off compared to most young married couples. She's a very friendly person and this guy seems like he's not happy at home. I know I need to trust her, but should I tell her how I feel?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): Thanks for all the answers. A few key points I didn't mention. She's about 8 months pregnant right now. I didn't mention it before because I knew everyone would just let loose on me about how he doesn't need any added stress, etc...but I did mention just the facts. My wife is extremely attractive. I have been told I am very handsome as well. I feel we have a good communication level between us; which is why I posted. I didn't know if this was insecurity on my part or something I should really be worried about. As I said, it wasn't the fact they were having lunch; but more the fact that he offered to buy her lunch. And she accepted. That's like a woman coworker offering to buy me a beer and I accept it, then chill and talk to her. Here's my real question...as a woman, shouldn't she know that this would bother me as her husband? That some other guy is offering to buy her lunch?
A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (28 October 2010):
DON'T let this slide.It's already gnawing at you - and I think for good reason . WHY does a work colleague need to buy a co worker lunch ? WHY ? Lunch at work is meant to be a re fuelling rather than a social, exercise.Everyone should pay for their own.You need to tell her how much this is getting at you and undermining your love for her - and ask her to totally COOL IT with the work colleague : eg make a point of not having any more one on one lunches or any other such meetings with him. He can sort out his own issues without compromising your wife's relationship with you.She needs to AVOID him except when in work meetings with others. And esp avoid lunches one on one. And you are in my view entitled to insist on this.[Then get your pants off and give her a DECENT SEEING TO - make sure she realizes what she'll be missing out on if she goes off with this guy ! ]
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (28 October 2010):
Hi there. I think you should definitely tell her how you feel. She needs to know that you have concerns. But stay calm and be respectful when you do talk about it. Don't become sarcastic or criticize her either. Be positive.
Was your relationship with your wife fairly stable, before all this? I am assuming that it is.
How well do you communicate? Do you go out to nice places together and have fun?
Quite often when one work colleague turns to another colleague (of the opposite sex), for a shoulder to cry on, during difficult times, it can be the start of something more - down the track. That's if the other one doesn't nip it in the bud before it goes too far.
You trust your wife, and that's good. But you never know what this man might do. So I hope your wife is emotionally strong and that he doesn't ever catch her in a weak moment and take advantage of it.
Inviting her for lunch, could be completely innocent, but still be very wary.
Also from now on, I would be closely observing your wife's behaviour for any subtle changes which might be telltale signs of something happening. For instance:-
- Mood changes.
- Becoming a bit touchy if you ask her any questions about her day and she doesn't want to tell you.
- Becoming secretive.
- Hiding her mobile phone so you can't see any inappropriate text messages.
- Going out after work with her "Girlfriends".
- Coming home later than usual from college.
- Taking a bit more care about her looks and grooming than she usually would.
- Dressing up a bit more than usual when she leaves in the morning.
- Buying some new clothes and underwear, things that she might not usually do very often.
- If she is not where she says she is going.
In fact, anything that seems out of character for her, is something to be concerned about.
Try not to quiz her too much about all her movements, or ringing her through the day - which might come across to her as keeping tabs on her, will only make her suspicious.
You don't want her to think that you are playing the detective. Although it's hard not to, I realize. Anyone would have some doubts in this situation.
It would be far better to do whatever you can to make your relationship with her even better than it is already. Good communication with her - really listening to her when she speaks to you, looking right into her eyes and giving her your full attention. Showing her you care and try not to take her for granted.
Try not to worry unduly about it, as this will affect how you act towards her generally, and could cause some friction between you as well, where previously there was none.
The idea is to keep as happy and positive and attentive as you always were, so she feels everything is alright between you.
Just watch out for any of the signs I mentioned above, so you are always completely aware of what's going on around you.
It is always wise to be aware of any change, so you have something to work on as far as improving your relationship with her is concerned.
Don't bury your head in the sand and try to deny anything, if you see something out of the ordinary - for her. That's the worst thing you could do.
Changes in moods especially, can give an indication of a possible affair or a hint at. So stay alert to this, if it does happen. Mood changes often occur because of guilt feelings about doing something they shouldn't be doing.
But if you have a healthy level of trust between you, that's a good start.
Just remember, even if nothing eventuates between your wife and this man, you have the home ground advantage. And that's a big advantage! It's something this other man doesn't have. Keep this in mind.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): Watch out! he wants to knock your wife.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 Does it matter whether or not your insecurities make you seem unnattractive? If you feel this way about it, silence will just make things worse, you need to let this out in the open and just let her know you feel like he is trying something with her. There is no reason why you should have to keep the truth from her, a couple should be able to tell each other everything without an argument following.
I hope that helps.
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