A
female
age
30-35,
*nfinishedSymphony
writes:My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a year now. In the last five months or so, alarms bells have been ringing; saying somethings not quite right here.I am in love with him. I worship the ground he steps on.I am in full time training doing a degree in adult nursing and I have another job on the weekend. I like my own time and that i've not been able to get. He is very insecure and subseuently clingy. I feel like I don't have the breathing space that I need.He also lacks dominance, something which I choose to ignore in the inital stages of our relationship as it didn't seem amazingly important at the time. Recently we have been in situations where because of him not being dominant has led to further problems between us.I have spoken to him about all the above.I dont want to change him for who he is. I love him, why would I?However, maybe its just because we are two different people? I'm on a break from him for two weeks.Hopefully i will get my head together and will have the time to think things through clearly. What are your views on this?Thankyou for reading.
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male
reader, rivi  +, writes (28 October 2010):
You are describing character traits which WILL NOT ALTER.
If they worry you enough to write to dearcupid you should basically let him down as gently as possible [ he's not doing anything WRONG you are just not suited ] and move on, and let him move on in his life also.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): What do you mean "he lacks dominance"?
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (28 October 2010):
 Well, maybe not having any contact with him for at least a couple of weeks will help clarify some things for you.
His insecurity and clingy behavior, which makes you feel you just don't have the breathing space you need, especially given your busy work/study schedule, and his lack of assertiveness will ultimately drive you up the wall if he is not able to make some changes in his behavior.
You have spoken about these issues with him, and nothing has changed - I guess?
If you feel like sitting him down and trying to get him to explain why he acts the way he does, and then tell him the effect it has on you and make this a last, sincere effort, he MAY take some steps in the right direction if he thinks he could lose you. If he does make some changes you'll have to see whether, over time, the changes for the better really take hold, or whether he'll slip back into his old ways. If that happens then you'll have a decision to make.
Are you prepared to try talking with him once more - or do you feel this is getting to the point already where you just can't stand it any longer?
In any case you must pay serious attention to those alarm bells. They're trying to tell you something for your own good.........
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): Honestly, I would talk to him about everything. I am 19 and my boyfriend and I have been together since freshman yr of highschool & believe me,we've been thru it all. From talking to other girls/boys, taking breaks, trust issues, too clingy, too distant. i mean.. i'm not going to sit here and tell you he will change his ways but i do know that sitting him down and telling him that you love him and you would be happier if ______, reassure him of that. also, explain to him that you are very busy with school, work, etc and you would like to have designated days of "me time" go somewhere with your friends, or something YOU would like to do. as far as "maybe we are just two diff people" i don't believe in that saying and i'll tell you why... no one is just like anyone else. opposites attract, love is unconditional and true love works itself out. hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 You are confusing. How can you worship him and at the same time ask for a break because he's not manly enough?
Is his clinginess a symptom of being in love, or does he call 40 times a day and gets angry when you talk to a male coworker?
People do change. I think you are aware of the before and after stories of wedding couples. He's attracted to your independence but worried he couldn't measure up. Every time you get upset or pull away he tries again and again to overcome that inadequacy. He has to realize that he wants to be a man because that's his birthright, and not because he wants to win you over. I don't think not being dominant causes problems in a relationship. It's your preference in a mate.
What do you see him doing in the next ten years? Do you have the patience to grow with him, or do you want an older man who knows how to please a young woman?
You are also in a stage where you determine if you should invest more energy into it. What you mentioned is not a big problem. But I have to agree when a guy has to constantly ask for reassurance that would be annoying. You should start talking to him again. He must have learned a lot not to smother you so much.
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