A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I had a love child with a married man and she is now 2 years old. It was a mistake but shes here to stay and is a lovely kid. He has never met her but we live quite close and she will go to the same school as his 4 year old. He has seen us in town but will avoid coming too close even though we are on good terms and he still seems warm towards me when my daughter isn't there. I would love for my daughter to know him, and I think he is actually missing out a he only has a son, although his wife has a daughter from a previous marriage. I know he can't be a real daddy for her but surely he'd like some contact? I have a new partner who treats my daughter well but doesn't know who her real father is for my ex's protection really as it's a small town. Should I let my ex know how I feel about this? Do you think he feels anything towards her as his own flesh and blood?
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (20 November 2010):
 I see your point in wanting to keep the affair and child a secret. Honestly, I don’t see how this can be kept a secret forever. If you could be 100% certain that his wife and son would never find out about this, I would say... keep it to yourself. But what’s going to happen when your daughter turns 18 and finds out who her father is? What’s to stop her from reaching out to her father and half-brother? I know I would. In all likelihood, she will want to form bonds with them. Is her half-brother going to keep this from his mother?
Roughly, how large is your town? Is it so small that everyone knows each other? I know you said your daughter will be going to the same school as his son, and you run into this man and his family often… so I get the impression it is fairly small. You mentioned that you and this man have mutual friends that may or may not know about your affair. People are pretty good about picking up on body language and subtle hints, so they may be fully aware of what happened. If so, I’m sure they have speculated about the father of your baby. Obviously, they still consider you a friend, so I don’t think that would change if the truth came out. Would you consider moving away... or do you want to keep your daughter close to her father, in hopes that they will get to know each other?
It must be heartbreaking to see him spending quality time with his family, knowing he hasn’t reached out to your daughter yet. I’m sure you still have feelings for him. That’s to be expected. Are you hoping to reconnect with him?
I’m glad you are finding it helpful to reach out for unbiased advice. Do your parents know who the father of your daughter is? If so, what are their thoughts on the matter? This is a huge burden for you to bear on your own. I was going to send you a private message, so I could give you my home email… but then I realized your post is anonymous. I do find your situation extremely interesting and I enjoy helping you. If you want my home email… feel free to send me a private message on here and I will give it to you. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell yes I have thought about telling her and I could exorcise the anger I feel towards my ex. Without a doubt he would find himself out on the street, seeing his son briefly once a week. It could affect his job and ruin his life.
It would only have limited gratification for me though. He certainly wouldn't have anything more to do with me and would ruin any chance my girl has of ever meeting him. I would be labelled a home wrecker, and many other things as I am female and we usually come out worse! We have a couple of mutual friends who also don't know (I think) of the affair, so I could lose them...it just doesn't justify telling her. Besides, I don't hate her or their son, it wouldn't necessarily be doing them a favour to know and they will be hurt badly too- my parents divorced, it's not great. No, I need to hold on to my dignity for my daughters sake really. Getting all this hurt out in the open and all the impartial advice is helping me more than anything else to date xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): Yes u may want to shake his wife and tell her to see her hb for what he really is but plse realise that YOU knew exactly what you were going into when u started your affair. Now all u are left with is sour grapes and butter memories. I think it is an eye opener for any woman who decides to start an affair with a MM.with that choice comes all the consequences. One of the consequences is that your kid will never know her father. This is a sad reality when adults cross boundaries and the poor kid is the ultimate victim.
I somehow get the feeling that if your ex lover wanted to , u will have no problems resuming an affair with him. Am I wrong. If you indeed want to somehow resurrect your affair, then u have learnt nothing at all.
Common friends? I am certain some of them know. Do they trust you around their men?Be careful of this 'reputation".
All I am saying is not new to you. Please move on and accept that your kid will never have a proper father. Your Married lover will never acknowledge her and this is a reality.
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell yes I have thought about telling her and I could exorcise the anger I feel towards my ex. Without a doubt he would find himself out on the street, seeing his son briefly once a week. It could affect his job and ruin his life.
It would only have limited gratification for me though. He certainly wouldn't have anything more to do with me and would ruin any chance my girl has of ever meeting him. I would be labelled a home wrecker, and many other things as I am female and we usually come out worse! We have a couple of mutual friends who also don't know (I think) of the affair, so I could lose them...it just doesn't justify telling her. Besides, I don't hate her or their son, it wouldn't necessarily be doing them a favour to know and they will be hurt badly too- my parents divorced, it's not great. No, I need to hold on to my dignity for my daughters sake really. Getting all this hurt out in the open and all the impartial advice is helping me more than anything else to date xx
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (20 November 2010):
That must be so painful to see him around town with his family. I can't speak for others, but personally, if my husband had cheated on me and fathered a child... I would definitely want to know!
And when I put myself in your shoes... I have to admit... I probably would have told her already. Have you thought about telling her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI saw them all together today outside where he works, his wife and son sharing some quality time with him. I wanted to go over and slap him and shake his wife by the shoulders and ask her if she realises what her lovely man is capable of! No I'm not stalking them, but I do always seem to see him. I don't think he's a psychopath, unless he has it mildly. He doesn't have anger issues and he's got a good job that he's worked his way up to. True he is very charming, especially
to women, he can make you think you're the most desirable woman on earth, but he is well liked by men too. I think he's pretty selfish though, headstrong and possibly a bit of a bully. In short, he tries to get his own way. He'd be lost without his wife, she doesn't stand for misbehaviour, i can see his problem with her finding anything out!
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (19 November 2010):
You likely feel a bond to him because he is the father of your child, but from what you have told us, it doesn’t sound like he feels the same way. If he truly cared about you and your daughter, he would have had the decency to support you through your pregnancy and bonded with his daughter from day one… even if he could not find strength to tell his wife. I’m sure he enjoyed the sex and excitement of the affair, but I don’t think he was in love with you. I’m sorry to say that because I know you still have feelings for him. But if he had had the slightest concern about your feelings… he would not be ignoring his daughter. His actions speak volumes about his character. He is incredibly self-serving. Are you familiar with Antisocial Personality Disorder? These people can be extremely witty and charming, but they have a lack of empathy for others. In the past, this disorder was called sociopathy and psychopathy… which are similar to one another, but slightly different (psychopaths TRY to appear law-abiding and normal to others, whereas sociopaths could care less). Now these two disorders fall under the name Antisocial Personality Disorder. This man really sounds like he might be a psychopath. These people can appear completely normal to others. In fact, I believe my step-grandmother suffered from this condition. Look up “psychopathy” on Wikipedia. Do you think he falls under this category? Honestly, I cannot figure out how on earth someone could just “pretend” that they did not father a child… unless they lack empathy. Anyway, it’s just a idea… but I’d be interested in your thoughts about this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was seeing him for around two years but we could never get really close as we didn't have the chance to spend long together at any time. He was supposed to be working! We never officially broke up but things fizzled out after the baby because we didn't have the same chances to meet. He would be in contact to check I was ok and I have always wondered if all that was to keep me sweet and prevent me telling all. To be honest I never felt like telling people because it doesn't make me look that great either. I haven't even told my current partner my ex was married, I even think I still have some feelings for him, maybe because we share this huge secret?
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (18 November 2010):
If he hasn’t made a single effort to meet her by now, it’s unlikely that will change. It’s as if he has completely blocked her out of his mind because she represents a threat to his current family.
He should have told his wife about the affair and the baby as soon as you found out you were pregnant. How long was the affair and did he end things with you when you told him you were pregnant? Did you end the affair on good terms or were things strained for a while? You mentioned that he is very nice to you now… is this because he is afraid you might reveal his secret to others?
Since you live in the same town as his family, I would wait until your daughter is 18 to tell her who her biological father is. Besides, he hasn’t told his family about her… so there is no way he can ever be a father figure to her. I am glad to hear you have moved on and found a new man! I imagine he will be a wonderful father for your daughter.
Have you decided whether or not to ask him if he wants to meet your daughter? If you do, please let us know what happens. Good luck! :)
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 I guess he is pretending that she doesnt exsist therefore he wont get attached to her, if he spend some time with her then am guessing he would feel something but at the moment he is scared of his wife finding out therefore he is just wishing that it would al go away. Talk to him and tell him how you feel its the best you can do, and also ask him for maintenance money for your child.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 November 2010):
I think the only person who can honestly say whether he feels something would be him. All I know is that there are men who have had affairs and children by their mistresses who have stepped up and been good fathers (even if dreadful husbands). I would have thought that if this guy truly wanted to know her, he'd have stepped up no matter what. But the only person who can answer is him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the replies. No his wife knows nothing of me or my child. I did say to my ex on the phone when she was born that I wouldn't ever stop him seeing her if he wanted.He said that would be difficult. I took this to mean he would like to but doesn't want to wreck his marriage. Fair point but there are ways around that, I think you're right, aunt honesty,he is a coward. I was hoping he would feel something for her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): I tried the same thing and he just rejected him behaved like he dont exist so now we have built a life without him and i feel were finaly free from such a cold hearted ignorant man
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (17 November 2010):
Does his wife know that her husband had an affair with you? If so, does she know about your child?
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 November 2010):
If you're going to do it, you need to be prepared for the fact that he will turn away. He's already ignoring the fact she exists, and it could be that if it comes out, you'll either push him further away, or you'll get a lot of hassle from his current family. There will be DNA tests, there will be a lot of noise, and his wife and son may well turn against him, you, everyone.
Your daughter does deserve to know who her father is. What's tragic is that her father isn't all that great. I think you should meet him alone in a public place (not private) and talk to him. See what he says.
But, like I say, be prepared that this could go tragically wrong. You need to be strong.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (17 November 2010):
It sounds to me like he is being a coward and would like to pretend that his little girl doesnt even exsist. Am guessing that his wife doesnt know anything about this child therefore he is brushing it under the carpet like it never happened to protect his own family, but this really isnt fair on your daughter as she deserves to know who her daddy is, and also he is required to pay child allowance to you and i hope that you are not letting him get away from this, stop him backing away from his responsibilies and tell him how you feel. He needs to start playing up to his responsibilty at the end of the day you both made a mistake and it shouldnt be fair for you to take all of the responsibility over it, am sure that you love your daughter and would change it for the world now but he needs to see that he needs to be part of that. So yes i think you should meet him and tell him how you feel. goodluck.
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female
reader, JustAGirl.x +, writes (17 November 2010):
 He is the child's father! At least have the dignity to ask him if he wants to be in her life, at least then you will know the answer, if he says no then he says no, that's horrible but some people are just cold like that. Once your girls older she will be grateful you at least asked her father!
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