A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:me my husband and our daughter are going on holiday for a week soon and i've told her she can take her bf who i know extremely well and have known all his life. I was just wondering what you would think if i let them sleep in the same bed. They will have a seperate room and i trust them a lot but what do you think? Should i say anything to her before we go? They are both 16 and i really don't think they have had sex yet. If they were to do it wise we were there i wouldn't be mad as i trust him and i know he's not the type to hurt her and i know how much they love each other. But at the same time i wouldn't particully want to hear them or anything as we will be in the next room. I trust them to use protection if they do but for some reason i have this funny feeling they will be doing something along the lines of sex. They have slept together here before but with me and her dad in the house i doubt they would do anything. Should i say anything before we go and if so what do i say and how do i bring it up? As well as that i'd just like your opinions on this please.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007): look, i believe that i can give u a better answer here than anyone else. I am 16 i have been with my gf for two and a half years and we have had sex. I know her parents very well, however they do not like us to sleep together, but i have slept with her before. Basically i am in a position where i can truthfully tell you what effect you letting them will have.
me and my gf have often spoken about why this seems slighty unreasonable. And we believe that the answer should be yes. it is completely true to say if they have a sexual relationship one u WONT know about it and two they will do it weather u condone it or not. not only that but 16 is the age of consent and weather u believe they should do it or not, they technically by law have the right to decide. Thirdly i can tell u from my own experience if they are sleeping together in the same bed, they are more likely to want to just cuddle than have sex, however i imagine once during that week they may well want do something of a sexual nature. But lets be honest, u cant stop it at home and u probably, weather they sleep in the same room or not, cant stop it there.
From what i hear these are two very mature responsible teenagers and i can relate to that as me and my gf are just the same. You need to show your daughter that u repect her right to choose. The previous commenters may talk about boys putting pressure on girls, but i believe that it is the mothers hu often put more pressure on their daughters. They make them beleive that sex is dirty, wrong and "unacceptable" and they then feel scared that this will cause people to look at them badly if they do it. Is that not what creates the pressure in the first place?
My advice is talk to your daughter, my mom found out that me and my gf have sex and i found her to be very supportive and respecting and i appreciated that greatly. If you want her to make responsible adult decisions treat her like and adult and she will make them. Even give her some condoms if ur really worried. The fact my mother supported me didn't make me think SHE CONDONES IT oh that means i can shag her whenever and where ever i like its ok. It made me realise that sex is quite a serious thing
Its down to ur trust in them and how responsible ulitmately u think they are? Most of these comments left about this are from what seem to be mothers who dont like the IDEA of their daughters having sex. Lets face it, in this day an age most girls have had sex before 18 (accoridng to figures 1/4 have had sex before 15) at least whether u like it or not. The thing that should be the most concerned about is will they use protection? And can u trust him to treat her and her decision respectfully.
Not only that, but u should support her. Shes deciding (not rushing into it) wether to have sex with one long-term boyfriend. if i was u id be glad. its much better than the opposite - a slut (put simply).
If u do let them sleep together, tell her (in an adultly way) that u respect her and her boyfriend's desicions, But that it would be uncomfortable for you and your husband if they were to think or hear that they were having sex in the room next to them. Trust me if u say this to her respectfully she will respect u and they wont do it. Trust me teenagers appreciate understanding parents.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 September 2007):
 I have raised two daughters and a son. What you are allowing is irresponsible as far as I'm concerned. Children need to have limitations and rules in order to feel secure. It also gives them a face saving out with their friends and boyfriends ie. "I can't do (fill in the blank) my parents don't allow it". I suggest that during your holiday you sleep with your daughter and hubby can bunk with the boyfriend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): May I suggest you get a hotel room with an adjoining room. Make sure their room has two beds and you and hubby just leave that door ajar/open, at night. Use the same rules and guidelines as you have set up at home.
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female
reader, SusanFindsThe Answer +, writes (16 September 2007):
 As someone wisely said on here, they are going to have sex anyway, or it is highly likely! But that doesn't mean you should encourage this.Any chance of getting in touch with the boy's parents to find out how they feel about this?Myself: if my daughter had asked to do this, I would have said 'no' firmly, regardless of whether or not they had sex now or in the future. By putting them in the same room you are condoning this and IMHO it is not a sensible action.It is always the best route to take to talk openly about your feelings to both parties, to explain how you feel and why, should you decide that sharing a room is not an option.Susan
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): hey everyone, i wrtoe this and i'd like to thank you for the advice you have gave me i'd just like to give you some more info on this and some answers to what you have said in your answers. Well they are of the age of consent, and as for his parents as much as i hate to say it its true his mum doesn't give a toss about him, they have never got on and he even used to cut himself over it but she just doesn't care and his dad died when he was 4 so thats that. They aren't like normal teenagers in a way they are very grown up about it and responsible, in fact i think shes scared that one day they will do it but i know for a fact he would never pressurise her and i know he loves her more than anyone. He stops with us a lot and they do sleep in the same room but not in the same bed shes in her bed and he's on the sofa bed and i know thats how it is because her door isn't shut properly and i know that they don't do anymore than just kissing and cuddling etc. I have no objection if they do want to have sex but i just don't know if i should say anything to her before we go etc.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (16 September 2007):
 I can't really believe you don't think they'll do anything. You also say you trust them to use protection.....I'm sorry to be blunt but that's crazy talk. If they are normal teenagers, every hormone and in their bodies will be jumping for joy. Why are you promoting this. It 's almost like you're relishing the idea. They are not adults, they're kids.
For me, this is an easy answer. IT would be NO. You're supposed to make it less easy for them to do this, not facilitate the plan. I don't think it's totally wrong that they should have sex, I just think it's inappropriate to pretend they're adults. They're not. They're older kids, under the age of consent. There are many things we don't let kids of that age do, and. for a good reason.
I understand that you want to trust your kid and promote openness. You're the parent though, not a buddy.
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male
reader, Uncle Trev +, writes (16 September 2007):
If they are both 16 or more let them dscide for themselves - they sound mature enough to do this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): I think you should let them sleep in the same bed as they both sound resposible and mature for their age. if they're going to have sex they'll do it anyway
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female
reader, ladybug  +, writes (16 September 2007):
 hey thre! i dont really wanna sound too conservative, but i really dont agree with the idea of letting them to sleep in the same bed. Im turning 18 this 23rd and i know for experience that the limitations and rules that were being set by the parents is usually very annoying and upsetting for teenagers, but believe me it is better for both of them. the fact that you had doubt about this matter is obviously enough reason for you not to let them. No matter how much you trust both, remember that they are in the age period of burst emotion and intimacy. Maam I really hope that you will made a good decision, it is not a matter of trust anymore, it it a matter of maturity and responsibility let us always be open to the negative probabilities. have a great holidays!!
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female
reader, rockelle +, writes (16 September 2007):
 I am sorry but I think that giving your daughter permission to sleep in the same bed with her boyfriend is not appropriate. How do his parents feel about that? If they want to have sex they will, whether you give permission or not. They will find a way. But putting them in a situatio like that is like giving them the green light to have sex. And as old-fashioned as it may sound I do not think it is a good idea to encourage a sexual relationship between two 16 year olds. If he were my son, I would have a heart attack if I found out that you let them share a bed!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): I agree with 88Jane. I think if you have allowed them to 'sleep' in the same bed together, in your home...you've now set a precedent with her and it'll be pretty hard to go back and tell them "sorry, no sleeping together in the hotel room". It does sound like you really do trust her and you have a good relationship. I think what you should do is have a talk with your daughter and talk to her, calmly and lovingly and keep encouraging her to remain celibate and making good, sensible choices in regards to sex Remind her that you still 'trust her' fully and that she and her bf' are not to try any hanky-panky on the holiday. Same rule applies, as it does at home. as Good luck
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female
reader, penta +, writes (16 September 2007):
 Only if you want her to have sex.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): All parents are different. My mom never let a bf sleep over my house unless he was just a friend. But then she would let me go off for the weekends with my friends and my bf sometimes. A lot of parents are really open about that just like you are. So I wouldn't worry about it from that perspective. All of my bf's parents have always let me sleep over their house in the same room except for one. My last bf's parents were really christian (but a wonderful sweet family) but I was like 23 and we flew down to spend the weekend and my bf walked me to my bedroom and gave me a kiss goodnight. And I was like "where are you going?" And he was like "oh we are not allowed to sleep in the same room." And I was like ahh. But that was the only bf who was like that.
I don't see anything wrong. And if you are ok with it, sure. You sound like a really cool mom. Really open-minded. I think you are doing a great job.
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A
female
reader, hugs2muchgal +, writes (16 September 2007):
 I'm a 16 year old girl and I hate to say it, but don't let them sleep together under your "permission". It's not up to you to allow your daughter to be ready to sleep with her boyfriend or not and by giving them the same bed might push her to sex, even if she isn't ready.
Also, you haven't considered the boyfriend's parents, and how they might feel. They could be really angry or hurt and if you like them, they could even be disgusted by you for allowing it if it's not what they want.
Have a talk with your daughter, tell her you trust her and either way will love and support her. Make sure she has protection for her first time and leave the rest up to her.
Best of luck
-Hugs
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): 16 a bit too young for letting her b/f come on holiday with you, also sleep in the same bed together in the same hotel. My sister 19 she brought her b/f home and my parents were happy about them sharing a bed, but she's 19, she wouldn't if we were 16!! and also my mum got stick for that by one freind.
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female
reader, 88jane +, writes (15 September 2007):
 i think if you trust both your daughter and her boyfriend then to let them sleep in the same bed if you feel comfortable with this! if you are happy that they have slept in the same bed before then it should be no different on holiday!
im sure if your daughter did choose to have sex then she wouldnt do it with you in the next room if she thought there was the slightest chance you would hear!
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2007): Well I am only 14, but now a days... It seems that people are losing their virginity at the age of 14+ after loving someone dearly, like your daughter. Although you trust them which is good, make sure they use protection. Although I know it would not be such a good idea to comfront your daughter.. but it seems you trust her. So if you know that they are smarter to go unprotected... do not get too involved. Although do not avoid the situation either. I say you have nothing to worry about. Well good luck!
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