A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a guy for over a year. I was initially swept off my feet by him as he is very outgoing and fun. I very quickly fell in love and decided that I wanted to marry him. I started learning to cook well and learning Arabic in order to be a more suitable partner for him as these things are important to him. I don't mind doing these things but they are not really a true interest for me, I just thought they would make it easier for us to get married.His brother has also got a girlfriend of 6 months. She is not trying to change/improve herself for him and although I have my doubts about the stability of their relationship, they seem very happy and I am slightly angry and jealous that I have made hard work for myself by trying to change. I'm stuck now, I can't go back to how I was when we initially met and I suppose I just have to pursue the cooking and Arabic studies. What does everyone think of this situation? Should I have never tried to change in the first place? Is there anything I can do to stop feeling jealous of my boyfriend's brothers' relationship?Many thanksAisha
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (22 December 2010):
 So, you have a boyfriend, but you are angry and jealous of his brother's relationship with his girlfriend. Why is that? Are you not happy in your relationship? If not, don't be in it. Are you married now?
You made these changes, and pursued it the way you wanted to. Should you have? That's for you to decide. I don't know why you would need to change your whole being to be a more compatible wife. Aren't you good enough just being who you are? Why did you feel that you needed to go through these changes in the first place? Is it something that he asked for, or something that you felt you needed to do. There is a difference. If it were me and someone decided to make changes, such as learning to cook etc. I would accept that they had, but I'd be wondering why they felt compelled to do so. When I'm with someone. I'm with them for who they are, not for who they can become in trying to please me. There is a line where I see a partner as being real, and where she could be seen as being fake. Fake is anything that you do that goes against who you are as a person. If its a relationship where you're pressured into making changes, it's not a good relationship to begin with. If it's you who feels you need to change. That's personal, within you, and has nothing to do with his brothers girlfriend, and her not pursuing the same changes. Don't compare yourself to others because you will find disappointment in doing so.
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