A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my gf wont decide what she wants to do with our relationship.we had an argument, she wants me to be more responsible and more mature with my life, and i lied about getting something. during the argument i mis-heard a question and said yes to get her off my back, turns out it was "do i want to go on a break".after the argument i asked her what i said yes to and she asked me why i said yes first, i told her i didnt hear what she said and replied with a yes to just get her off my back. we sorted the main issue out, which was her nagging. but now shes saying she's thinking about going on a break because i lied to her to avoid her nagging at me, shes using it against me to scare me and everything, she's moved all her stuff out of my room at my parents and she's pasting things like "i dont know what to do" all over her facebook.im now constantly worried, she's not said everything is ok or anything, but she keeps saying shes thinking bout going on the break, or she dosnet know what to do, and being hot and cold with me. i dont feel it's fair that she does this. how can i stop her from using this against me while she thinks?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (21 August 2010):
 Ohh man. To easily answer your question - no, it's not fair that she is doing this, and in trying to elicit maturity from you, she's showing immaturity by broadcasting it on Facebook and holding the "break" thing over your head.
I've always said that no one should ever go into a relationship trying to "change" the other person. Here's what will happen if you give in and try to change to her specifications - she will eventually leave anyways because the ultimate issue is her losing feelings for you. She is trying to make it your problem, and trying to justify it as being "your" fault that she's considering a break.
There's only one thing you can do to stop her, and that's YOU calling the break up. She needs to sort her feelings for you in her own mind, and she needs to accept you AS YOU ARE, not who she wants you to be. Nagging is death to a relationship.
You might be thinking "I don't want to lose her, so I don't want to break up with her!" But let me ask you this - do you want to put up with what she's doing to you? If you acquiesce now, you'll be giving her the control she's seeking with this game. You need to tell her to accept you as you are or it's over. Trust me, the pain of possibly losing her is far less than the pain of letting her emasculate you.
A
female
reader, ZeroTwo +, writes (21 August 2010):
Maybe she's having a hard time moving forward knowing that you lied to her, and just needs help trusting you again. I felt like that at a point in one of my relationships, where I think I was basically in her shoes. I realized later that the reason I thought we should "take a break" was because I wasn't comfortable being in a relationship at all if I couldn't trust again immediately. So maybe your girlfriend knows she wants to be with you, and wishes she could but is scared of the period between now and when she fully trusts you again. It does take time and it's very uncomfortable. That's probably going to be frustrating for you both, but you can make it if you both want to. My suggestion would just be to talk to her and make sure she knows that you plan to earn her trust again. It might make her feel safer and she'll respect your opening up to her, and I wouldn't be surprised if she stops using that idea as "leverage" after that. Right now it's probably just a defense mechanism since being with someone (ie vulnerable) while you don't trust them is scary. She's got her guard up. Hope that helps! Good luck. :)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 August 2010):
 How you respond to a woman talk is very important. If a woman doesn't feel you are validating her feelings, then she's going to repeat what she said, hoping for a better, supportive response. When women talk to other women, they don't come across as nagging, it's expressing feelings. Women's feelings aren't something to run away from, and talking about feelings and doing nothing about them aren't pointless either.
Here are a list of cold, uncaring responses:
"And your point is ....."
"It's really not that bad."
"you are too sensitive."
"maybe you should just do this do that."
Better responses would be to nod, say I hear you, your day must be difficult, let me give you a massage. Listen and absorb her experience without butting in to fix her problems.
Just tell her you can work this through, you learn that men and women communicate differently and you are open bridge that gap. Good luck to you.
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