A
male
age
30-35,
*remlin
writes:Im 20yo and I love my girlfriend very much. We have had many ups and downs. But I think I want to experience more of life while im young, date more girls. Is this wrong? Im trying to tell her how I feel, but she says she is at breaking point, she's had enough and should let her know when I decide what I want...Im 20. Should I settle down with her, or should I take the risk and explore other options?I don't want to be a sleaze, but I don't want to regret not doing this later on in life. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 May 2010):
 Thank you for clearing that up, to me at least things sound better now. It is still over-shearing with your girlfriend though. A good rule is to never share your thoughts about her/the relationship until you are somewhat determined and have made up your mind. Otherwise it is just too confusing...
As for the "should I settle with this" question, has she popped the question? If not, why are you worried about having to settle down? Stop being so concerned. Some relationships are good for a year or two or more, and then people move on, filled with morw wisdom and knowledge. My question is: how long have you been together? This is typically a question asked by people who are in a long term relationship of 2-5 years. Where the relationship has become more routine and things aren't so exciting anymore.
Next: is there more happiness out there? This is the question I think everyone in a relationship asks themselves. No one can give you a correct answer. I only know that thinking you will have a relationship that is 100% happiness is unrealistic. People turn to God for 100% love and care, not to a spouse.
I find that I can't exactly measure how happy I am in a relationship, but I can measure how unhappy I am without said relationship. So, how sad would you be without your girl?
I also like to think of a spouse in this manner; not as someone who's job it is to make you happy and content, but as a life partner, whom you cab lean on, rely on, that will help you through in life. A life partner, not a clown or an entertainer.
You need to ask yourself, what are you looking for right now? Just someone to enjoy the company of? Or are you looking for someone to marry? The question is simple, if you are looking for someone to marry, and you feel she's not the one for you (you can't picture being with her until you die), then get out. If you aren't looking to marry (which by all means it sounds like you aren't ready to settle down), why not stay and enjoy the relationship. As long as she isn't forcing you to make a deeper committment, what is the problem?
A
male
reader, gremlin +, writes (25 May 2010):
gremlin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your responses, they really are giving me a lot to think about and I appreciate them all.
However, I believe how I have worded my question has maybe led you to think some things that aren't quite accurate.
I haven't said I want to play the field. All I have told my gf is that im not quite sure where im at and what I want from a relationship right now. I haven't said I don't want one, just that I am having doubts.
I love her and love hanging out with her, yes there are bad times, but many good ones. All I want is to experience more before settling down. And when I do I want it to be with her, and I know this realistically can't happen. I just don't know what I want. My gf forever more, or the chance to see what else life has to offer. Surely this isn't me having a big ego or being a sleaze, I assumed these doubts were normal. Im asking, if things are good 65-80% of the time. Is that a good relationship, is that the best you can generally get? Or is there more happiness out there?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): You are twenty. Of course you should explore the world of dating more. Flowers, movies, skiing trips, snuggling under blankets under the stars. Your girlfriend would love it.
But the point is: you don't want to explore the world of dating with your girlfriend. You would rather do it with someone else, someone whom you haven't even met yet. Which is why she has given you the ultimatum to either shape up or ship out, but to stop stuffing her around.
As for you explaining your feelings and expecting agreement. Oh, your ego! Like any woman with self-respect is going to allow you to go dating other women and then come back to your "safety girlfriend". No, she is the one that wants to be dated, and not unreasonably since you are supposedly her boyfriend.
"not wanting to be a sleaze" -- lol. You're already well beyond that point.
If you really do love your gf, then get your act together and start thinking about her feelings. Personally, if I were her I'd have dumped you long ago. Not only are you inconstant, but this over-sharing of stupid feelings is just a means of controlling her
...............................
A
female
reader, nothing.lasts.and.nothing's.lost  +, writes (24 May 2010):
 Firstly, that would be one of the cruelest things to ,my ears if my boyfriend told me that, I do advise that you stop filling her in on the gorey detail. You shouldn't be with her, you clearly don't love her, and you are definatly not ready to settle. There are different kinds of people, people that prefere to find 'the one' rather than date and settle down together, and people who prefere to play around a bit more before settling down, or perhaps not settling down. There's nothing wrong with wanting to date numerous people rather than settling down, but it's wrong that you're torturing this poor girl who's no doubt very crushed right now. Surely you know that you don't truely love her if thoughts of being with other girls are dominating your brain. Why are you with her? It doesn't matter what age you are, if you'd rather sleep around than settle for one woman, then why aren't ypou doing that? Is it because this girlfriend of yours is a safety blanket to fall back on? You say you love her very much, but the feeling's you're having suggest otherwise. You must know that, that if you loved her so much then you wouldn't be thinking of leaving her to sleep around...
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (24 May 2010):
You shouldn't be explaining to her how you feel. What do you want from her? To agree that it is best for you to "explore"? You want to see what else is out there. If so, leave her! If not, stay! You have to make up your mind and then tell her how it is, but this sort of preparing her for your possible departure is just torture. She cares about you, obviously, otherwise she's have dumped you as soon as you first mentioned this desire of yours.
The grass is not greener on the other side, why leave a perfectly healthy relationship just to sleep around... But as it is your relationship appear to be on the rocks as she said she's at the breaking point. Perhaps it's best to let her go, regardless of what decision you want to make for yourself.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (24 May 2010):
 The fact is you love yourself much more than you love her. You are now at the age where you cant have her and your freedom to date too. You aren't ready to commit to her. She wants a commitment. I think you are both making a mistake.
Let her go. Go no contact. In other words, What caring guy said.
That isn't the answer for everyone. But, based on what you have told us, it is the answer for you.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010): My sister met her b/f when he was 18. He is goodlooking and if wanted to could go out and sleep around. But I guess when you meet true love thats it. I worry for my sister that if they are still together in 20 years time that something might happen but you cant always give up on love. Goodluck
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 May 2010):
Don;t settle. You're clearly nor ready to settle, and you're disturbing her by telling her that you want to experience more. Just tell her it's over and have your fun. She's not the One at al for you. Let her go so she can find someone she loves.
...............................
|
