A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm engaged to be married and have been with my fiancee over 5 years. The first 2 years we had lots of sex. After 2 years sex got less and less now we don't have sex at all and I havent had sex for about 2 years.Dispite this I still proposed and she said yes but we still don't have sex and I'm not sure what to do. will I go through life without sex? I have tried everything and we can't even talk about it now without arguing.Reasons she gives me are is it's painfull to have sex and she has a Low sex drive etc etc.What can I do?
View related questions:
engaged, fiance, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, blueboing101 +, writes (31 October 2010):
well friend, its your life and you may only get one...
ive been married for 11 years if she used to offer out the welcome mat and doesnt anymore get rid of her she willonly cause you grief.life is to short. there are plenty more fish in the sea. go and get one before your rod breaks
A
male
reader, endi  +, writes (14 March 2009):
in what position you want to have sex ?
...............................
A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (20 November 2007):
 Are you crazy? Are you an angel? Are you also finished with sex?
Of course not. No body can ask you not even her to get into this body without flesh and blood.
say good bye and run away!
...............................
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (20 November 2007):
 Love is all that matters. Sex is not love.
I hate when people act like someone is starving a dog when a woman doesn't give a man sex. (ie what are you doing to that poor man, omg blah blah blah more bullcrap the bullcrap continues.) Sex is not a need, it is a want. You can live without sex. One of my relatives divorced, cos her man wouldnt give her sex for more than once a month.
I understand if the issue is cheating. If you find out she has been cheating that is a good reason to break it off. But you shouldn't break it off cos of not having sex, unless you feel you couldn't deal with not having it.
What I mean is, know yourself. If you know you don't have self-control, don't put yourself in a place where it is likely that you are going to cheat if she's not giving you sex.
A sex-free marriage can be just as awesome as a marriage with sex, if there is love involved.
But if this is really important to you, ask her if she has ever had a high sex drive, and if she has, if she misses that drive. Point blank, ask her if she ever wants to have sex again. Also, I agree with what everyone else is saying about a physician. But don't take her to a physician, because you want sex. Take her to a physician to see what is wrong down there, because you care about her. Take her there for the right reasons. And if the pain down there goes away, and she still doesn't want to do it, can you accept that?
People get married, because they love someone, not because they want to be coerced into doing things that they don't want to do, which is why I say, ask her if she ever wants to have sex again. She may just not want it.
I hate this mentallity of, oh you have to have sex to have a happy marriage, oh you have to have sex or your man will leave or cheat on you. This mentality makes men seem to be shallow, etc. and also makes it look like humanity has no self-control, and that most people are evil and wicked. It's like the world is saying, if you don't want to have sex, don't get married, cos the other person will, and you'll have to give in to plz them, NO, this is called rape.
Love is love.
If you are looking for someone to love, with a bonus of "oh i love my wife, and she gives me sex too :D" you might want to find someone else. Love is not about sex.
Sex is great between two people who love each other, but make sure both of you want it first.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (20 November 2007):
 Well, sex (although some people will dispute this) is a big part of a marriage. It is the bond that is shared between husband and wife and should engaged in as often as the couple desires. Good sex can be had in a marriage, you just need to work at it.
I guess the first question you need ask yourself is would YOU be able to have marriage without sex? That question can only be answered by you. Sure, there are other ways by which husband and wife can show their love and affection towards each other without sex. However, there is no denying the part sex plays in a relationship. If sex weren't important, there wouldn't be sites like these :)
If it's painful to have sex there could be many factors as to the reason why. First of all, if she never complained of painful sex before, and is starting to complain of painful sex now, there might be a change in her body that needs to be address by a physician (such as vaginismus). Things like vaginismus can cause painful sex. She would need to diagnosed by her doctor for that.
Another thing could be lack of lubrication before sex can occur. Is she properly aroused before you attempt to penetrate? If not, then sex can be painful for her.
It sounds to me like pre-marital counseling would be beneficial for you two as there might be some issues that need to be discussed before entering into marriage. She might have some things that she needs to get off her chest - or some things she discovered she doesn't like or some things she wants but isn't getting from you. These may be very real issues and she might be afraid to talk to you about them. A counselor can help to bring these issues out to be discussed and possibly save your relationship. A caveat is that counseling could also show reveal the things you fear and loathe the most about that person and cause you not to want to be with them anymore.
Hope this helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelblueeyes +, writes (20 November 2007):
 Hi
Firstly i am sorry that you are in such a pickle, i have been with my hubby for almost 14 years we used to have sex 5 times a day every day then a few yrs later it would be once a week, nowadays we have sex maybe 5 times a week but we went through a period where we could go months without doing it.
I know how you must be feeling but i dont understand the bit that her answer is 'its painful' if she is in pain whilst having sex she should seek medical advice,
I cant give you the answer to weather you should or shouldn't marry her as only you can really answer that but can you accept that you may never have sex with her again?
Take care
Lu x
...............................
|
